To just want a childless day out?

[ToxicChristmas]

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

Even when you’re going somewhere you know they’ll be bored and won’t enjoy? That’s a little bit selfish of you - maybe sometimes they would rather not be with you and be having fun at home

Think I'd message back, Does that mean no? If so I'll sit this one out.

We ended up in a pub near our home. That woman had zero imagination!! Friendship dwindled when I once didn't answer my front door... It clicked when I saw them separately they slagged the missing one off. Obviously that's what they did when I wasn't there... Too old for that shit in my 30's!!

There was yes. I watched both. What a roller coaster of emotions that was, felt like a right miserable bitch after.

Also, I didn’t get it properly, felt like I got the story wrong.

😆

I had a friend like this, and I made the mistake of thinking she might meet me without her young kids when I had a cancer scare and needed some support.

Every meet up prior had been in a playground/soft play/whstever. She had a lovely partner and local parents but just seemed to feel like everyone’s experience was enhanced by their presence.

She brought the kids and spent the entire time responding to my worries by saying “oooh look Molly just waved, do you want to say hi? Do you want to say hi? Ooooh Ben you’re being sooooo good eating your muffin, is it a good muffin? Can you describe it for mummy?”

I gave up after about ten minutes, left and stopped responding to her messages.

Yanbu...if I left my kids at home I sure as hell didn't want to hang out with someone else's, lovely though they may be.

Sad face emoji...hmm. Not sure about that. The lack of any other comment makes me think she wants you to back down.
Why is she so insensible to this?

Many moons ago i had a friend that would always ask me and others to come out or over hers we was fine with it but only if we were child free.
She new most of us had no child care or help or family but would still ask she had 2 kids her self but always had a sitter.
It was always text in caps ONLY IF YOUR CHILD FREE.
It fizzled out in the end.
Fast forward 20 years she message me on FB at the time dont have it now.
And after a few hi hows it been she said she had 4 more kids and lots of her old friends lost contact with her they (fizzled out they stopped baby sitting) .
She asked if we could meet up catch up in a child friendly place maybe a play centre i said yeah sure if your child free my babys 20 now i dont think he wants to play any more i dont have any other children.
I never got a reply.
Not much advice op but it just made me remember that old friend that always said only if your child free.

Meant to say fast forward 18 years.

She is waiting for you to respond and agree her kid can come. How silly of her. Be a grown up and talk properly!

Not much advice op but it just made me remember that old friend that always said only if your child free

@earther But the scenario you're describing is also completely one-sided. Your friend expected to exclusively socialize child-free when the entire friend group had small children. The OP is just asking for the occasional adult only meet-up.

Healthy adult relationships involve compromise. I wouldn't expect a completely one-sided friendship to stand the test of time. It's hardly a surprise that your friendship fizzled out since this woman apparently had to have things her way 100% of the time.

Gosh she sounds annoying

Im afraid it was all one sided her way or no way.
But i understand where op is coming from im not saying i dont it just reminded me of what i put up with.

Any news??

Plus there's an assumption there that other people want the company of her children or should have to accept it on all social occasions. Nope, nope, nope.

I think a lot of people think "I don't want to do a child centred activity" to mean "I don't like your child". They don't understand the difference.

I would send a message saying "I really like spending time with "child's name", but I think this activity isn't child friendly, and he will get bored. This activity is quite expensive - if we are going do something with kids, I would rather spend money doing something that they will enjoy"

Also some friends are "kid event only friends". This might be this friend - you keep meet ups to things that you want to take your kids to.

What on earth are you talking about?!

No news.
Just to make it clear, I don't expect every event to be child free. I don't even expect the majority to be. Just the ones where the kid or kids are likely to be bored and whinge about sitting still and watching the event. Seems absolutely pointless to me -for all of us.

I'd honestly go without her, and if she says anything, say "oh sorry, I assumed you didn't want to go seeing as you said you weren't happy with the situation?
communicated via sad face emoji
You should have said you wanted to come!
Then don't give the situation any more thought, tell yourself she chose not to come.
Don't miss out as she's so dithery and uncommunicative.

Why on earth haven't you told her before? Stop being such a doormat and just tell her. Or appreciate that many mums are like this, but it isn't for you. I can't stand it, I would've had to tell her.

She has told her before though and keeps being brushed off saying it'll be Ok 😕

"

I’ll take that sad face as a no so I will go to the event on my own and maybe we can plan something else in the future.
"
Perfect.

YANBU and I completely understand. I have loads of adult friends with kids and we very rarely take the kids along. Because they are my friends, I like their kids but the whole point of socialising is that I want to speak to my friends often about adult stuff and not be fielding questions about Minecraft, snacks, breaking up petty arguments or being pestered to hurry up every 5 minutes. Plus as you say the things I want to do are not child friendly. Obviously I do take my kids to interesting places on other occasions.

Stand your ground on this OP- as well as being blind to other people’s feelings she’s actually quite rude to not be prepared to compromise occasionally when she doesn’t have massive childcare issues etc. I’d agree with going on your own too.

What ???

I have a friend like this. She used to be perfectly normal, but has recently decided that her kids are mature, intelligent and interesting enough to be welcomed into the adult social world. They are not. The youngest is seven.