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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want a childless day out?

156 replies

ToxicChristmas · 01/05/2024 20:50

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

OP posts:
easilydistracted1 · 02/05/2024 08:05

@LuckySantangelo35 but that's not what the friend feels clearly. And she keeps bringing them so it's not worth the effort. They have different ideas of how they want to socialise.

Workawayxx · 02/05/2024 08:08

I think you’re right to address it with her OP. An alternative would be to refuse to work the day around bored child and separate off eg watching something, child wants lunch now “no problem, I’ll just catch the end of this and meet you at the next thing…”. She might think twice if it’s just her dragging a bored child around and you don’t feed into the child-centric dynamic.

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:08

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2024 07:49

@Mrsdyna

what about a night out drinking cocktails?

what about a coffee date with a close friend and she needs to talk to you about personal problems she’s been having?

Show quote history

I don't really have the time or desire to go out drinking cocktails at night but I'd be happy to meet up for something to eat at night.

As for a coffee date, I take my kids. I'd go somewhere that has a playground etc.

Revelatio · 02/05/2024 08:12

If you are having a coffee date with a friend who wants to talk to you about about some personal problems, how are you going to listen and give her the time she needs with one eye on your child in the playground. You are doing both your child and friend a disservice.

If you don’t have any childcare then maybe offer for your friend to come over when the children are in bed. I have a child but would not dream of bringing them to an adult date. I wouldn’t be able to give my friends the proper attention or my children. Your friends are friends with you, not your children, it’s ok to just want to see your friends in their own.

TinkerTiger · 02/05/2024 08:14

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Are you quite alright?

gertrudeteacake · 02/05/2024 08:18

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Are you the friend?!

Catsmere · 02/05/2024 08:19

Revelatio · 02/05/2024 08:12

If you are having a coffee date with a friend who wants to talk to you about about some personal problems, how are you going to listen and give her the time she needs with one eye on your child in the playground. You are doing both your child and friend a disservice.

If you don’t have any childcare then maybe offer for your friend to come over when the children are in bed. I have a child but would not dream of bringing them to an adult date. I wouldn’t be able to give my friends the proper attention or my children. Your friends are friends with you, not your children, it’s ok to just want to see your friends in their own.

That's the opposite of what OP asked - it's her friend insisting on bringing her children to everything, not OP. Or are you meaning "general you"?

UnpickThePockets · 02/05/2024 08:22

@Catsmere the poster is referring to @Mrsdyna

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:30

Revelatio · 02/05/2024 08:12

If you are having a coffee date with a friend who wants to talk to you about about some personal problems, how are you going to listen and give her the time she needs with one eye on your child in the playground. You are doing both your child and friend a disservice.

If you don’t have any childcare then maybe offer for your friend to come over when the children are in bed. I have a child but would not dream of bringing them to an adult date. I wouldn’t be able to give my friends the proper attention or my children. Your friends are friends with you, not your children, it’s ok to just want to see your friends in their own.

Well we are all different, we will have to agree to disagree.

gannett · 02/05/2024 08:30

I'd start just inviting her to things that are inherently adult-only. Cocktails in the evening, or a non family friendly restaurant for dinner, or a gig.

Catsmere · 02/05/2024 08:37

UnpickThePockets · 02/05/2024 08:22

@Catsmere the poster is referring to @Mrsdyna

Oh, thank you! My mistake (obviously). Now it makes sense! Sorry, @Revelatio .

Stripeysocks1981 · 02/05/2024 08:42

YANBU. As lovely as I’m sure the kids are, it totally changed the dynamic of the day and tone of conversation. Everyone is entitled to adult time!

gindreams · 02/05/2024 08:47

@Mrsdyna you don't seem like you would be a very good friend anyway to be honest

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:52

gindreams · 02/05/2024 08:47

@Mrsdyna you don't seem like you would be a very good friend anyway to be honest

Ok 😂

Neither do you.

Samlewis96 · 02/05/2024 08:55

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 07:31

I do like to take my kids with me wherever I go. I really enjoy being with them.

That's fine for you. But your friends may not like it so much. And it's unfair to force your kids on them

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:57

Samlewis96 · 02/05/2024 08:55

That's fine for you. But your friends may not like it so much. And it's unfair to force your kids on them

Show quote history

I don't force my kids, it's culturally normal for us. My friends are fine with it, they will bring their kids too if they have them.

exomoon · 02/05/2024 09:30

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 08:57

I don't force my kids, it's culturally normal for us. My friends are fine with it, they will bring their kids too if they have them.

Show quote history

So a completely different situation to OP's then. She's leaving her kids at home and wants an adult day. Do you not have the empathy to see her situation?

Mrsdyna · 02/05/2024 10:06

I will no longer be responding on this thread, expect to potentially the OP.

exomoon · 02/05/2024 10:13

😂

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 02/05/2024 10:25

Oh god, this person would not be my kind of person. I really can’t stand people who think their kid should be everywhere with them! You should just tell her, I’m having a child free day so I can really enjoy the experience , you’re welcome to come but please leave the kids at home

Peonies12 · 02/05/2024 10:26

I'd be honest and say you were looking forward to an adults only day, and you think their child would be bored at the event.

KreedKafer · 02/05/2024 10:29

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

LOL. Projecting much?

VJBR · 02/05/2024 10:30

SherrieElmer · 01/05/2024 22:07

Of all the options that you offer in the last paragraph in your opening post, I go with "miserable bitch".

You are a shit friend who lacks the empathy to understand what it means to be a mother. Instead of being happy for your friend, who is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions, you only focus on you and what is convenient for you.

You should reconsider your stance on this one.

Seriously? Not sure she is the 'miserable bitch' in this scenario. Think that award goes to you.

Justlovedogs · 02/05/2024 10:48

Minimili · 02/05/2024 04:40

I haven’t seen that film but I’ve heard people talking about it. Wasn’t there a mini series too?

Show quote history

Mini series? Do you mean a cereal drama? 🙄

supercalafragilisticexpealidocious · 02/05/2024 10:50

I would just say "let's do a girls/mummy's only day out". Doesn't need to be a big drama.