To just want a childless day out?

[ToxicChristmas]

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

Yes I can see that does save money but I just think Kelloggs taste better?

Just say look sorry ? But this is an expensive event and we really want to enjoy it as adults, we don't want to have to plan things around a child because as I said it's a lot of money and we want to do what we want and enjoy it as adults.

If she didn't listen I would stop inviting her to so many things, I would only invite her to the things I didn't mind kids coming to.
If he asked me why she wasn't invited to everything I'd tell her the truth, I don't want to be with kids 24/7

I think honesty is the best policy. Just have a chat with her and tell her you think her kids are great, but sometimes you just want adult only days out and it's nothing to be offended about.

I think it's really shortsighted for women to not make an effort to maintain their friendships just because they have young children. The occasional hour or two of adult-only time with a friend can keep you connected and lets the other person know that you value their friendship and can prioritize them every once in a while.

So many threads on here about how lonely people are, how they don't have any "real" friends, etc. It isn't magic! Enduring friendships require upkeep and effort. So foolish to not at least try.

I've decided to stop sitting on the fence and say something tomorrow 😬.
I really don't want to go to his event next weekend with a bored child in tow, so it's either cancel altogether or address it. I may as well try addressing it. I'm going to go with the absolute honesty route.
I don't predict it going well but fingers crossed she will hear me out!

Your friend sound odd

Are you sure she has no childcare issues? Maybe the partner doesn’t want to be saddled with all the kids while she has a child free day? Maybe the grandparents are less keen than you think?

100% positive. I know them all extremely well.

👏👌😂

yes just be honest and if she gets offended continue to be honest and explain you need a child free time.

start seeing other friends who don’t drag their child along

I haven’t seen that film but I’ve heard people talking about it. Wasn’t there a mini series too?

Eh? 😆

Oh God, there’s no hope 😆

Have you missed the fact that OP is also a mother? Assumed she is a miserable childless bitch like all of us childless women?

It's not unreasonable of your friend to want to take her kids out, but it's extremely unreasonable of her to expect everyone else to feel the same way. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Please keep us updated on what she says.

I’m in a similar situation and i’m sick of gritting my teeth or dropping hints that I’d prefer adult time.

Every time my friends makes plans I get so excited because I don’t see her much, inevitably I then get a text “oh Lily/Sian said she wants to come too”

These are her daughters who are 10 and 14.

My friend has a partner who works from home and lives on the same street as her parents so the girls could easily stay at home. When they do come they interrupt, moan they are bored and want plans changing to fit them, they want money spending on them and often sneer at us saying how “old and sad” we are.
My friend doesn’t work and so it’s not like she feels she misses out on time with them, she usually claims they insist on coming - that’s possible because my friend always spoils them.

Now when she texts that her daughters want to come I usually reply that I’ll leave them to it, if she surprises me and turns up with them then I make excuses to leave early.
I’ve tried multiple times to say I want to see my friend on her own but she gets so offended. I feel like we can never discuss anything without her kids wanting to chip in with their opinion or change the subject.

My friend also has a terrible habit of putting me on speaker phone when I call and not telling me. Last time I called it was a very sensitive subject where I was desperate for advice and reassurance, I didn’t want anyone to know about it either.
Suddenly her daughter started chipping in and I was so angry and embarrassed, I try not to call now and it’s a shame because we don’t see each other much and used to talk for hours.

Hopefully you will get a better response, I’d love to know how you managed it if you do though.

I honestly can’t see your friend changing, my friends parents and partner have suggested gently my friend should have adult time alone, she’s brought them everywhere since they were babies though. She’ll probably still be bringing them when they are adults unless they get bored and decide to live their own lives. I’m not sure how she’ll cope when that happens.

Putting you on speaker phone without telling you is crossing a line, its really inappropriate behaviour. It feels to me she sees you all as a group of friends. She's doing what some teens do, adding other friends secretly to the call to try and catch someone out. Like she wants to be seen as her daughter's friends rather than their Mum.

Good luck, OP!

If she insists on bringing the child, would you bringing another adult work? So you can split off and enjoy yourselves when the kid gets tired?

I do like to take my kids with me wherever I go. I really enjoy being with them.

@easilydistracted1

er no , OP’s friend IS wrong. you don’t take your kids to an adults day out.

and the kids are not her life. They are a bit part of her life sure. But not her entire life.

Try leaving the carrier around the house and putting some treats in it, your cat will then have more positive associations with it.

@Mrsdyna

what about a night out drinking cocktails?

what about a coffee date with a close friend and she needs to talk to you about personal problems she’s been having?

@SherrieElmer

oh Hun.

being a mother doesn’t mean you have to be a shit friend!

hth

Why is she currently going through a rollercoaster of emotions? Is she having a breakdown?
Did you miss the part where these are fairly old children so the friend isn’t a new mum and how the OP has her own kids too but doesn’t want to drag them everywhere or listen to friends’ kids moaning?