To just want a childless day out?

[ToxicChristmas]

Love my friend. Love her kids. Do not love her wanting to take her kid or kids on every bloody outing we go on. I get she thinks they are brilliant -I think the same about mine. But it's driving me potty that every single trip we plan to do or do she adds on a kid.
We've just this evening arranged to go out to an event next weekend -all great until she adds that her youngest wants to come. I KNOW he will be bored within the hour and it's a whole day event. We won't be able to sit and watch anything for any length of time, we will have to plan around said child. Any suggestion of it being adult only won't go down well. I'm just going to cancel as it's expensive and seems pointless to go now (for me).
Any ideas of how to deal with this diplomatically in the future? Or do I just accept that we won't be doing days out? I've tried to nicely say in advance about adults only but it's been brushed off or told it will be ok and how much the kids enjoy going out with us. Do I just be brutally honest? Do I try and laughingly say I need an adult day? Or am I a miserable bitch who should just put up with it? Or a mean mum who enjoys time sans kids?

Or this 😁

YANBU and this would do my head in. Why would anyone want to go to an event with a kid that has no interest in it? Painful. She's very insensitive not to see this. sad face my arse.

She's really going to struggle when her kids leave home.

Agree. A sad face, that’s pathetic. She needs to take more care of her friendships.

Nothing more yet. I'm not cracking and responding first!!!

Don't you there !

Meant

Don't you dare!

I think you've done the right thing. Yes sometimes kids can be fun, but sometimes its nice to have an adult conversation.

You’re perfectly reasonable OP. If she say anything else say that you’re leaving your kids at home for a child free adult evening, that includes all children

Perfect response.

🙁

How would you even respond? She's left you guessing. I really would just go alone. Not your fault that she chooses to not communicate clearly.

I think the other option is bring another friend and leave her and her DC together.
There's nothing worse than women bringing their kids along to everything.
Boils my piss.

You can't respond to that. The only reason she has sent that response is so you will back down and say never mind. Just ignore.

Yes, empty nest syndrome beckons.

Everyone needs to use their words

Its perfectly acceptable to want a child free day and say so.

Its perfectly acceptable to bring your kids places with you.

Sometimes people want different things
Compromise or cancel, also a choice.

You’re right. But the OP’s friend never compromises.

my friends parents and partner have suggested gently my friend should have adult time alone, she’s brought them everywhere since they were babies though. She’ll probably still be bringing them when they are adults unless they get bored and decide to live their own lives. I’m not sure how she’ll cope when that happens

I can tell you where her daughters will be....they'll be posting on Mumsnet complaining about their "toxic" mother who drops by unannounced, offers unsolicited advice and is the MIL that their partners can't stand.

My child is grown as are the children of most of my friends. One of the saddest things I see now is women my age who are so desperately alone and lonely. The kids have their own lives, the partner is often gone as well and making new friends in your 50's and 60's isn't easy.

Motherhood isn't a martyrdom competition. It's normal and healthy to want to maintain adult relationships and that does require considering the other person's feelings and needs. As other posters have said, if all you can mage is 30 minutes of adult-only conversation when your baby is down for a nap, then just do it. Don't completely lose yourself in motherhood 24/7; your children won't be young forever.

How so? Perfectly possible to reply with just a question mark, nothing else.

You’ve done the right thing. I’m off to an expensive event next weekend, I’ve got to take my 7 (by then) week old as I don’t have childcare, my best friend is coming and she’s bringing her 6month old as it’s easier for her. She’s leaving the 3.5year old because she would be bored!

We’ve talked about this event for years, we’ve been given tickets which is why we’re going this year. We absolutely thought this would be a child free day because we didn’t think we’d be going for another few years 😂 so we’re doing the next best thing and taking the easier 2.

If she has childcare, then I see no issue in child free day out!

That's fine. I think I can safely say that most mothers enjoy being with their children.

But let's say you have a friend that needs some one-on-one time with you. Couldn't you carve out an hour or two to give this person your undivided attention on occasion? Or do all your friends just have to accept that you're a "package deal" - you plus kids in tow?

Even if a friend doesn’t need some one on one time, isn’t it nice sometimes to go out child free and just be able to chat without having to follow children around, be interrupted or have to constantly go to child friendly places?

Its healthy to be a grown up and not just Mum.

@Mrsdyna

this! ⬆️

Exactly this. Obligatory I love my kids and enjoy spending time with them, but it's so nice sometimes to catch up with a friend over a drink or a meal and not have someone pulling on my sleeve and mum,mum,mumming at me.

I’d say:

I’ll take that sad face as a no so I will go to the event on my own and maybe we can plan something else in the future.

You don’t want to go with a child in tow and she doesn’t want to leave her child. Neither of you are wrong, but what is wrong is expecting your friends to be ok with you bringing a child to every outing with no consideration to them and the change of dynamic on the outing even more so when you have available childcare.