To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

I agree. It may also be pointless to compare the relationship between a woman and her ex to a community of disabled people and the state.

Comments on those threads frequently draw comparisons between the intended use of child benefits and disability benefits, so l think it absolutely does stand up as a double standard.

She is lying and as such stealing. Not only does it put into question her values and principles by by doing so, she is not helping herself.

It will come out. He will wise out. He will meet someone who will tell him that she is likely getting tax relief. If he ever needs to take her to court for more access, wanting to take the child abroad or whatever reason, and he tells the judge of her deception for all this time, he will get all the sympathy and the mistrust of the judge.

I too would have an issue with respecting her as a friend even if I would try to convince myself it's none of my business.

Not necessarily. If you are working (I assume as the child is in nursery) and are also sole carer of a young child with no opportunities for the child to go on overnight stays with the father, then going on a short holiday may replenish your batteries to keep soldering on.

It could be considered an investment.

It's only a double standard if it is the same people on both threads contradicting themselves.

If he can't even be bothered to have the child overnight I highly doubt he'd want to go to court for more access, and I disagree that a judge would be sympathetic towards a man who didn't see his child for the first 6 months of their life and doesn't even do overnights now.

I see where you’re coming from. But is it right that we demand the system of payments made to support the cost of disability be tightened to the point where every penny spent by the claimant has to be itemised and justified, while simultaneously allowing a system of payments made to support the cost of childcare to be so lax that it’s possible to defraud it as easily as the OP’s friend seems to be doing, in order to benefit herself ?

It's not defrauding though. The amount of maintenance a man pays has no bearing on what benefits she can claim. He could be giving her 10 grand a month and she could still claim.

If he can't even be bothered to have the child overnight I highly doubt he'd want to go to court for more access, and I disagree that a judge would be sympathetic towards a man who didn't see his child for the first 6 months of their life and doesn't even do overnights now
Amazing how quickly your gender biased has led you to assuming that it is his choice not to have the baby overnight when OP said nothing as such.

It would be like jumping to the conclusion that if she can lie about childcare and use him for money, she probably lied about being on the pill because what she really wanted was a baby.

All we know for a fact from the OP is that she is lying to get more money.

You could look at it that she is defrauding him personally, but as far as claiming tax free childcare she's not defrauding at all, they would not take anything he is paying into account.

If it was her choice OP absolutely would have said, because she clearly doesn't like her friend and wants to paint her in a bad light.

And this bullshit about lying about being on the pill. As I have stated many times, it's his responsibility to wear a condom if he didn't want a baby.

Exactly. I think the OP is a terrible friend. Judging and taking the side of the absent father.

We all know child maintenance doesn’t even make a dent in what it costs to bring up a child. Then she has all the parenting/ mental load.

And no doubt (given previous form) this man will stop paying as much at some point. The friend will never have a fair amount of money from him over the 18 years of bringing up this child.

There is no compassion from the OP about how hard this is for her friend. She begrudges her one day with her child. The rest of the time the friend is working and parenting and juggling everything.

It’s the man’s fault. Obviously.

This thread isn’t discussing the father. This is about the mother.

Also, two wrongs don’t make a right. Whatever he’s done, she shouldn’t be a lying, manipulative bitch.

Have to disagree. She doesn't owe him anything after he left her with no help for the first 6 months of their child's life. Serves him right.

Nope. My DH is an amazing father.

It’s really as simple as not thinking it’s acceptable or a great lesson to teach your child that lying and manipulating is okay. And being that dishonest a person makes you a shit mother.

You are quite clearly over invested in this situation and have skin in the game.

And it will serve her right when this all backfires in her face, and she grows up to hate the deceitful, manipulative child she’s made (who in turn will resent her for her behaviour).

But it's an acceptable and great lesson to teach your child than you can opt out of parenting when you want?

Alright then. 😂

All the posters saying he shouldn't have got her pregnant, how do you know they weren't using protection and it failed? How do you know that they agreed not to have children but then she changed her mind? ( and forgot her pill or even worse tampered with condoms).
How do you know he didn't want to see his kid and she said no? And he doesn't know how much nursery fees are, do what? Perhaps he thinks she isn't a complete bitch and wouldn't lie.
I'm pretty sure my DH doesn't know how much our nursery fees are, guess he must be a shit dad too

You seem to be stuck on a broken record.

What he’s done is irrelevant when we are solely discussing her behaviour. Whatever he’s done, it doesn’t stop her teaching her child bad lessons and it doesn’t stop her being dishonest, deceitful or manipulative.

If it was her choice OP absolutely would have said, because she clearly doesn't like her friend and wants to paint her in a bad light
Oh, more assumptions without foundation then...

Of course, saying that she must have trapped him is total bullshit, that's my point. Your assumptions are no different.

So he’s a deadbeat who only started seeing her when she was six months old?

It might be ‘wrong’, but I sort of don’t blame her.

Sounds like you are jealous. I would keep out of it.

You cannot "trap" someone. Use. A. Condom.