To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

@CommentNow literally none of this is relevant to the dishonesty!

Serves him right, sounds like he's been a crap dad, deserves what he gets.

So basically he never has his child, isn't planning on having her overnight and didn't bother for the first 6 months of her life!

Fuck him, I hope she fucks him over every way she can!

This. Imagine thinking "dishonesty" is worse than a bloke who doesn't even have his child overnight.

@LSTMS30555 i never said he was perfect! Far from it. I just feel uncomfortable with what she’s now doing.

The fact that you're more bothered about this than about the fact that this man is a lazy, shit parent is what's wrong with society and why so many men continue to get away with this nonsense. Congratulations.

The amount of people excusing this behaviour is disgusting.

Theft is theft and I genuinely couldn't keep that to myself and allow it to continue. Especially when she's taking the piss and spending it on holidays, it's not like she's doing it out of necessity for the child.

Yawn. I have no sympathy for shit fathers.

I really couldn't care less that a shitbag of a man who abandoned his baby for the first six months of their life is paying more than he apparently should. I think he should be paying far more than he is.

2 wrongs don’t make a right.

But I agree with pp, I don’t want to know about this stuff. Do what you want but don’t involve me in your fraud.

So you think it would be better that he asks for proof and receipts all the time? Rather than have a co-parenting relationship based on trust and the best intentions for their daughter.

So true! Let’s normalise making it socially unacceptable for fathers to be like this.

You can’t really put a price on abandoning your wife when she’s pregnant. Leaving her to bring up a baby alone and not having anything to do with it for 6 months can you?

More fool him if he doesn’t check anything.

I can’t believe you’d side with some absent, shit father over your friend. Think of how much she must have struggled going through all that.

He could also cut that money at any money. Or disappear and refuse to pay another penny. I don’t blame her.

Exactly.

I agree that it sounds like revenge tactics, which makes me uncomfortable.

Ok, she's pissed off with him for screwing her over and for taking a long time to take responsibility. I would be too.

He sounds like he's trying to do the decent thing now and is stepping up.
And it sounds like he's feeling guilty if he's not questioning any expenses she's asking for - he's trusting her to be honest about their child.

But she's being unfair now and letting personal feelings get in the way.
I'd wonder how long this is going to carry on for? How long until he realises she's being dishonest?
And then when he pays a fairer amount, how will she choose to punish him again.

It's uncomfortable because she's putting revenge and punishment above the welfare of their child

*and, before anyone asks I am a single parent, with experience

Not sure what it's got to do with you tho? Your her friend not her moral guardian. If it was something reprehensible that I couldn't possibly accept, then ok. But judging personal financial arrangements within the complexity of a previous relationship loaded with emotions - nope. Women are financial harmed when relationships end to a far greater extent than men (source, a Guardian article on divorce the other day) If I like her as a friend that means I trust her judgement.

Maybe he didn't want a baby and she did? If a woman chooses to continue a pregnancy where man has made it clear that he's not interested then he shouldn't be forced to pay.

If she wanted to not continue the pregnancy and he wanted to have a baby he would have no say in that. Its a two way street.

Actually, it's not a two way street, because the women has to carry and birth the baby, so she gets the final say. If he didn't want a baby, should've worn a condom.

@@Beezknees Actually, it's not a two way street, because the women has to carry and birth the baby, so she gets the final say. If he didn't want a baby, should've worn a condom.

Do we know the backstory, or are we just going to assume?

I was responding to a PP, I didn't assume anything.

@Whatismypasswordthen If I like her as a friend that means I trust her judgement.

Definitely not a given!
Not on AIBU if you read the threads, and definitely not in real life!

Maybe he didn't want a baby and she did? If a woman chooses to continue a pregnancy where man has made it clear that he's not interested then he shouldn't be forced to pay.

Is that really a gotcha? It seems like it because the woman controls the outcome of the pregnancy. But imagine instead that she has decided to have the baby adopted. Would it be OK for the father to refuse to sign the adoption papers on the basis that he is able and willing to raise the child. And then claim child maintenance from her?

Yeah she's being really awful and I wouldn't see her the same knowing she's sly and a thief

I'm amazed how many posters justify it. Stealing is stealing. If it's to prevent starvation I'd understand but this is blatantly nit what is going on and it would make me mistrust her in general

I couldn't get worked up about this. She's a single parent of a 2 year old and I bet she does need a bloody day off. It's probably that or she loses her sanity. And it's not going to happen any other way is it, because deadbeat won't have his own child even just one night a week. Good for her. He screwed her over.

He should have abstained from sex then.

That's where his choice ends.