To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

It’s because it’s extremely hard to effectively coparent with an utter c*nt. One who threatens to withhold contact at the slightest thing, one who refuses to share any information in regards to things like nursery such as bills and such and tells the nursery not to provide the information, one who has an expectation that everything should be done her way or the highway. When you’re being told to pay the money or you won’t see your kid, you pay the money through fear of that coming true. You have an expectation that the bill is a certain amount if the child is going 5 days, but if you find out the child is actually only going 2-3 days per week a year or two after the fact then how could you have known??
like I said, I don’t expect you to know but you’ve made assumptions that are clearly wrong.
so I’ll make my own and call bullshit on your “good relationships” because you sound like an idiot.
I’m done arguing with morons on the internet today. Have a good one xx

OK hun 😂

He's legally entitled to information from the nursery. And she shouldn't be able to withhold contact because he obviously has a court order outlining when he should have his kid.

He could have asked when he was there a billion days a week picking the kid up while paying all that money to his ex (who, naturally kicked Mr perfect out and moved someone else in immediatly).

Weird how he had his kid 6 days a week and didn't go for residency, and didn't even think about renegotiating maintenece, was able to pick the kid up but the nursery didn't tell him a single thing about anything on the exes say so as well, and also somehow wasn't aware that the kid was only in 2 days a week although he was super heavily involved.

These guys must get pulled aside in school and given a script honestly, the sheer amount of men who have exactly the same story is astounding, and the sheer amount of women who blindly believe it until they are also, apparently, the money grabbing psycho shit parent ex as well (no judgement, I was also that idiot who believed it all, but I was 19 at the time).

I'm sure it will all work out for you though, since you don't question a thing he says, these guys like that in a woman 💐

It's none of your business so unless she's a bad friend to you don't get yourself worked up over it or end the friendship. Going forward just don't talk to her about financial issues so then you can't feel anything about what she does.

If her ex doesn't know what she's paying for childcare it's his problem, he should be shouldering some of the responsibilities when sorting things for his child.

He had primary care of his child because his ex works shifts but she was threatening to withhold contact and not let the nursery tell him how much it cost?

This is bizarre. All he had to do was ask.

And how can she withdraw contact if he has primary custody?

He didn’t have primary custody, there was no formal arrangement in place as they weren’t married. Honestly, he was shit scared of her because she had form, he was worried any rocking of the boat would cause her to withhold contact and so he was basically a massive pushover.
He had DSD so much due to exes night shift patterns, and was then told DSD was in nursery all day due to ex sleeping after night shift, which was fair. However, DSD wasn’t in every day so the bills were much less than expected, he was paying her what he believed was half but in reality it was most or all of the bill. Nursery only sent the bills to primary contact, which was ex, and he trusted what she was telling him. He didn’t really have any reason to ask so never suspected. Until the statement was sent when DSD moved nursery and it was obvious what was happening.

Over a decade down the line he is still wary of her tantrums and makes sure not to rock the boat.

As she is the one with the child and doing all the hard work, cooking, washing, ironing, being on hand in the middle of the night, looking after the child when it's sick then I understand why she is doing it. Men get away with a lot of responsibility, they leave women to struggle and he was no where to be seen for 6 months! It's her business not yours, you don't know what has gone on between them either and it doesn't mean she is a bad person or will treat someone else like this. She has trusted you to tell you this. I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship.