To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

I wouldn't be the slightest bit arsed about this.

Where did I say she isn't wrong?

She shouldn't be doing it, but knowing how the system works he will be screwing her over soon enough (and already did for her pregnancy and the newborn days) so I can't bring myself to care about what she's up to.

Another typical sexist thread on MN!

We get numerous threads from women complaining that their ex is manipulating the business accounts and lying about his income to pay less maintenance and all agree that even if he still pays a large amount above the financial needs of the children, he is a bastard for doing so, even if he has the children regularly.

But twist the situation around and the guy just deserves it!

Of course, these posters are always right all because, aren't all men bastards anyway?

Have you been a single parent, having your child with you every single night without fail because their dad couldn't be arsed?

THIS 👏🏼

Excellent post!

💯

No wonder he left her, what a selfish and entitled cow (putting it mildly)! I couldn't look someone like this in the eye, sorry OP. In fact I'd be inclined to tell him. This kind of behaviour is just not on, I'm shocked at how many PPs are condoning it on the basis that he deserves it.

I think this is his comeuppance for the way he treated your friend. I would be patting her on the back. More woman should do this to low lives that abandon their families.

It's none of your business. Unless you've seen the invoices it might not even be true - she might be exaggerating, testing you (you have connections with ex) or anything. She's bonkers tho. Nod, smile, move on!

Absolutely what @destinationzoo says. Your post was written to highlight her "dishonesty" but there are lots of clues that this isn't so clear cut, starting with the fact that he had no contact (or payment) for 6 momths, and does a grand total of ZERO of the parenting.

The subtle misogyny also of a woman who is on leave and therefore looking after her child means the financial benefit of that should go to the man is quite startling. If I take my DC out of nursery for a day a week and choose to do the work of looking after them rather than working, then the only person who should benefit financially is me. I'm sure she feels exactly the same.

I'm also dubious about the claim of "high" maintenance. Not something I'd expect to see from someone who has and had so little contact.

And @vivainsomnia what threads are you even talking about? I see lots of women getting upset when their male ex's fiddle numbers to pay less, but as a rule, the moment he pays so much as £1 over CMS amounts, women are almost universally told to suck it up.

but the lazy shit parent isn't her friend, she can dislike him without it having any impact. That doesn't mean it's ok to do what she's doing

If it was a dad doing it to the mum MN would be fuming.
But because its the mum doing it to the dad its okay.
Very two faced on here.

I highly doubt they would, if the mum did barely any parenting. The responses would be the same.

Both parents sound awful. I certainly don't envy this child. Her life's going to be an uphill struggle, being raised by these two.

Agree.

ps, your username is ace. Long live Chris Lilley 😂

When who grows up? Can someone please make this make sense to me?

Exactly it’s such a false equivalency. You can’t compare a mother with primary custody who looked after her child from birth to a very part-time fairly disengaged Dad who dips in and out their child’s life and clearly leaves all the admin related to his child to the mother.

If the mum was a deadbeat parent I’m sure people would be up in arms about what she’s doing.

The crucial difference is she is the one parenting the child and this man doesn’t even have his own kid overnight. If he was more involved this situation would probably not have arisen.

All I can say is I hope she makes good use of the extra money and gets her kid something nice.

Imagine - if he tried to report her to the police and get her sent to prison for fraud, he might end up having to have his child full-time 😂.

Even if he found out, it's clearly in his interests not to rock the boat.

@CrispieCake Exactly 😂😂 going from no overnights to looking after them full-time - doubt it!

I’m often aghast when men don’t have their own kids overnight because I’ve babysat quite a few of my friends toddlers overnight over the years. It seems bizarre to me that someone’s own dad isn’t able to do what a little old family friend (me) does 😫

I wouldn't even see this as an issue straight NOMB truly awful is real harsh imo

I take it there are a few stepmothers on this thread 🙄

The OP is not this womans friend so I would imagine there is some embellishment added. I mean, does anyone really think a father who was absent for the first 6 mths and, as the OP points out , "is not a wealthy man" is going to pay 'high' maintenance and all nursery fees no questions asked? As if 😂
I'd take a guess and say that OP and her DH have 'picked sides' and, add in the disapproval that the friend isn't living below the poverty line like single mothers obviously should, I'm pretty sure we aren't going to get the real full story.
We get numerous threads from women complaining that their ex is manipulating the business accounts and lying about his income to pay less maintenance and all agree that even if he still pays a large amount above the financial needs of the children, he is a bastard for doing so, even if he has the children regularly. But twist the situation around and the guy just deserves it!
This makes zero sense. Twist it how? A guy lying about his income to avoid paying what he should for his child IS a bastard for doing so, right?
And a mother ensuring her child receives enough financial support is the same how? Yeah, not in anyway the same.

And again, in case it's been missed..whatever CM says he needs to pay is NEVER going to be half of the cost of raising the child. And if this woman has lied to him in order to receive extra money FOR HER CHILD, it certainly doesn't mean she's the evil, scheming woman portrayed by the posters on here who, for some reason, seem to be taking this personally. 🤷‍♀️

End result is a better quality of life for the child which the father is apparently willing to contribute extra. I suspect that if he is paying more, it's because it suits him to.

Yet again, financial jealousy masquerading as moral outrage.
I thought the “I work 70 hours a week whilst my friend gets millions in UC for doing nothing” benefit bashing brigade had covered this enough today.

Feckless fathers are one thing, but greedy, bitter, grabbing women are a shame on womanhood. I’d take great pleasure in telling this man.

Yeah, perhaps he might volunteer to have his child that day.... 🤔 probably not given he is a useless cunt.