To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

YANBU

I wouldn't consider anyone with these morals a friend 😡

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Shades of the 1834 Poor Law and the Bastardy Clause here. The poor seduced men need to be protected from these wanton money-grabbing hussies who want them to fund the fruits of their immorality.

Make a decision with your husband.

You both should probably ditch them both as friends. Because both will be exhausting for different reasons.

The only solid relationship is between you and your husband. (Maybe!)

Unless you're just a trouble maker or drama queen. Or jealous she has more disposable income.

It doesn't help the split couple, if they're amicably being parents togethers, if you start poisoning the air.

Equally, it doesn't help dad, if he's being fleeced.

So decide how much you want to be involved. And then decide your moral stance.

The right thing to do would be to tell her you don't agree with scamming her ex, and as the wife of husband who maintains a relationship with her ex, you just feel you need to step out.

The concern that your neutrality has made you stray into enemy camp, might make her backtrack on exploitation, and fear of ex recovering overspend - or even demanding to be primary parent becuase of her fraud.

But whatever you decide, you should step out the situation. Going on a holiday with someone you know is paying for it fraudulently makes you equally guilty by association.

So how shocked are you? Or are you only shocked if it doesn't interfere with your own enjoyment?

It's definitely not her friend. It's her husbands ex 💯

Not your circus....

Not your concern really. Her ex sounds an idiot if he has not even checked costs.

Feckless fathers are one thing, but greedy, bitter, grabbing women are a shame on womanhood. I’d take great pleasure in telling this man
Who has apparently never questioned such an apparently super high amount. You really believe that? He's just ponying up the cash no questions asked?
Op might be embellishing because fathers who don't see their children generally hold on to their $$ very, very tightly.

And when you took great pleasure in telling this man, you'd also be ok with the child being the collateral damage of your malice? Because it is ALWAYS the child that will suffer. It is the child who benefits from child maintenance no matter what the really bitter ones some stepparents and fathers insist. The child.
I know which person I'd rather know 🤷‍♀️

“Greedy, bitter, grabbing” women are a shame on womanhood but absent, unbothered, feckless fathers are what? One thing? Misunderstood ? Re-married? Moving on?

The child might not want to stay at his overnight, or maybe he can't be trusted to take proper care of her?

... and both of those things would also mean he is a poor parent!

precisely, the bias in the post you’re commenting on is so evident and sadly reflective of what’s wrong with society. Men get let off so easily.

An absent father is far more economically, socially and emotionally harmful for society and children, than a woman fudging things to get a bit more money for her and her child.

How disinterested and selfish must he be to not even ask to actually see his child’s nursery bill? He’s very foolish. Serves him right. Zero sympathy.

You sound awfully bitter that she has more disposable income than yourself! And partner perhaps helps out less? Raising children is bloody expensive more than any child maintenance would be. And you give no back story on how involved the dad was as a parent.

@SharpAzurePanda An absent father is far more economically, socially and emotionally harmful for society and children, than a woman fudging things to get a bit more money for her and her child.
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Hear hear.

Agree with the above.

I would tell her that she’s got even and now needs to tell him she’s reduced DD’s hours at nursery and actually charge him the right amount! He’s only got to talk to someone innocently to discover she’s entitled to tax free childcare or however it works and then he’ll withdraw all support except the bare minimum…. She needs to tell him she’s claiming xyz now and he can pay less…. He’ll think she’s being honest and appreciate it and she will actually for once be being honest.

My DH’s ex did this and he found out when they had to change nursery and the old nursery sent a statement. He found out he’d been paying the whole nursery bill most months, on top of a generous maintenance payment and at a time where he was having DSD 5/6 nights a week, including all weekends, due to exes shift patterns.
There are just as many women who swindle men as there are deadbeat dads unfortunately.

Oh come on.

You really think there are just as many men paying 'generous' maintenence, also having the kid 5/6 nights a week, yet, inexplicably, not being involved enough with the nursery to figure out the payments, as there are guys who bugger off and pay the absolute minimum they can get away with and aren't involved?

I just couldn’t get angry about this. Do you think that the measly percentage of his salary he pays is actually enough of a contribution towards his daughter? Short answer, doubt it.

Oh come on, read the post properly.

I said as many women who swindle men, not as many men like my DH.
yes, I absolutely think there are as many women who inflate costs, withhold contact or are generally arseholes as there are deadbeat dads who pay nothing and never see the kids.

There aren't.

There are a lot of new wives and partners who buy into the lies their shiny new husband tells them and think that's the case though.

If you think most men out there are paying a penny over the legally required minimum then you're very sadly mistaken, and the minimum is an absolute pittance.

As for withholding contact, it does happen on occasion for sure, but most men who say it just can't be arsed and blame their ex, or they have fucked their kid around so much the mum has told them to take them to court (and they don't bother).

If he was so involved, why was he so UNinvolved with the practicalities of being a parent? I call bullshit.

I don’t actually know what you mean by that, other than you might think that he left the family unit, which wasn’t the case. His ex cheated on him and asked him to leave to move her new fella in.
I don’t expect you to know the ins and outs of other people’s lives, making an assumption is truly making an ass out of yourself and honestly it doesn’t really bother me if you believe what I say or not.
i do, however, know of many women who have behaved just as abhorrently as men in these situations. Just as the OP has found.
But you are clearly an ex wife and have a hatred of step mothers so I can see what you responded negatively to me.
Hope you have a lovely day and your positivity makes an appearance 💐

No, I meant the fact that he apparently had no clue about the costs involved in parenting and was just bountifully giving her money and giving himself a pat on the back for being so generous. Parenting is about more than money, you know. If he had his child 90% of the time, why did he have no idea how much nursery cost?

I've actually never been married, though I do have a daughter with an ex, and we luckily have a brilliant co-parenting relationship. I also have a great relationship with my daughter's step-mum. Me and my ex have a 50/50 arrangement and we make decisions together, share costs, and both know exactly what's going on in our daughter's life, including how much things cost.

Reading MN makes me realise just how lucky we are, actually. (I'm genuinely very thankful we've managed to make it work, I know it's not easy)