To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

How is the OP’s friend staying at a luxury hotel meeting the needs of her child ?

You're the only one embarrassing "the side" by pandering to the usless men who don't even parent their own kids.

Mixed feelings here. First, it is none of your business. Second yes, it is a shitty thing to do.

I think what he has done is worse.

You should be more upset about that.

Wanting the mother to be honest is not pandering.

She is recharging her batteries to return rested and ready to do 80% of the child Labour. Quite frankly he is on to a good deal if she is prepared to continue caring for said child 247. I would be utterly disgusted to be faced with such a specimen of a father that he can’t even manage a single overnight stay!

No wonder he left

She sounds vile
i wouldn’t want to be friends with her

And yet you've said nothing about wanting the dad to do his fair share of parenting. Why are you not bothered about that?

I actually think it is the op who isn't being quite honest with us. She is painting her friend as dishonest when she is nothing of the kind. Her ex pays for childcare and on one of the days he pays for she uses her paid holiday allowance from work to spend the day with her dc. She is paying for that day with her holiday allowance. What kind of friend describes this as fraud? What kind of friend is so jealous of some measly benefit that her single parent friend enjoys that she describes her friend as a bad person she wants nothing to do with and shares it all over the internet?

What efforts did YOU make op to judge him for being so poor? How did you feel when your friend was left literally holding the baby?

I would be so supportive of a friend of mine that was taking care of herself and her child like this, especially after such a difficult start. Are you jealous of her self care and time with her dd by any chance? It might be time to look more closely at your own life if you begrudge her happiness.

There are lots of men posting on this thread trying to change the tone.

Definitely. Or the wives of men that are probably terrible fathers themselves.

So predictable. I am female and a mother funnily enough I just don't think you can justify theft!

You sound abit too straight edged tbh....don't get me wrong I generally hate money frauds, but in this situation I would do the bloody same.If she had left him/he didn't do anything wrong to cause the relationship breakdown it would be really wrong, but fair play to her wanting to rinse the idiot for whatever after he behaved like that.He deserves it.

I don't get why you are defending him and taking his side so much.....surely you can see he treated your friend and her child like shit.
Sounds abit like you're jealous of her financial situation, although perhaps she was abit vulgar and braggy about it.

The double standards on MN are hysterical. Three separate threads on disability benefits this week. All of them proclaiming vehemently that it’s right to take away the monthly contribution to the cost of disability and instead force disabled people to prove the cost of everything they need, or move from cash to vouchers, so that the money isn’t ‘frittered away on things not disability related’ to quote one poster. And yet it’s fine to basically claim from the state for your child and then spend that money on a luxury mini break for yourself because dad is stumping up as well ? Might not be fraud in the legal sense but it’s morally bankrupt in my view.

But you justify a man not parenting his child?

Yes, different people on this site have different views. Funny that. Is it the exact same posters on the disability threads that are on this thread? Because I certainly haven't said anything of the sort.

Where does it say it's his choice not to have the child overnight? Have I missed that?

Pretty sure that if it wasn't, OP would have said because she doesn't have a very high opinion of her friend. She added that part in later.

Yes, I feel really sorry for the friend. She is happily confiding in op in a jokey way and planning little holidays away with her while having no idea of how much op despises her. Op, please do your friend a favour and leave her to find some real friends. What with her ex and you she and her child deserve much better.

I think that a thread on disability benefit might attract quite different posters to those drawn to comment on this thread, so your non-evidence based proclamation of double standards doesn't hold up.

She should be planning ahead, but she’s clearly not saving the extra. She’s spending it on an extra day off work and a nice holiday. I think that might be short sighted of her.

I think this poster was referring to the general mindset, not not accusing specific posters. If you have a look at those threads there does seem to be a stark contrast and what the OP’s friend is doing, is basically fraud. The fact that her ex is a piece of shit is irrelevant.

Yes, but different people with different opinions will be posting on different threads. So it's pointless comparing them.