To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

You’re not being unreasonable. It would change my view of her as person, and I would probably consider whether to start distancing myself.

I couldn't get too worked up about this tbh, I'm far more disgusted by the men who pay peanuts towards their kids and use every loophole in the book to pay even less.

He sounds like he left her whilst pregnant and totally alone in the difficult early days so I get her feeling like she's owed, it will likely be short lived and he will start paying a pittance soon enough.

They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months).

Meh, couldn't really get my knickers in a twist about this tbh. He sounds like a prize knob for leaving your friend when she was pregnant and tbh I do think he deserves a bit of karma for this.

He's obviously not doing any of the mental load of arranging nursery if he doesn't know how it is being paid.

This.

If someone can do this type of thing to one person, then they can do similar to someone else - including you.

I would back off from the friendship.

It's neither here or there if he is a bastard or a saint, the fact is your friend has bragged about being a liar and a money grabber and that would make me question what other morals she is lacking in and whether she would happily cheat me out of anything.

I would have to call her out in it.

I also don't like stupid people and she is stupid to brag about conning her ex out of money. She could have just done it and kept her mouth shut but chose to stupidly blab about it.

Fucking cheeky of her. And I'm frankly surprised he isn't asking for invoices for nursery fees etc.
If she can be underhand with him, she won't hesitate to do it to others she's close to...

I wouldn't be going anywhere with someone like that.

She's sly enough to have you paying for it all.

Find some new friends who don't fuck people around.

its so shitty isn’t it! I’m also surprised he’s not asked to see invoices

Yes it’s dishonest and I don’t like dishonest people. The truth matters

Not that surprising if he didn't bother to see his daughter for the first six months of her life?

Anyway, you're clearly not keen on your 'friend', so just fade her out.

I’d be annoyed that I knew and had therefore been put in the position of seeming to approve (or having to make a decision as to how I felt).

If she’s going to do something like this, keep it to herself.

Yes many many refuse to pay what they owe by hiding income etc, or just simply not paying, but this doesn’t mean she’s right to do this.

I’d tell her I’d rather not know and to please not tell me this sort of thing. I’d also say I couldn’t afford the time or money for the holiday and not go, as it would seem tainted now.

If he can't be bothered to check more fool him. He isn't doing nights or after nursery is he? Think about it. Would your husband behave like him?

Walk a mile in your friends shoes. Your her friend, not his.

She won't always have holiday allowance will she? And what childcare is he providing?

Her behavior is not great, but honestly if he really only started seeing their dd when she was six months, then she had to take care of a newborn completely alone, so I can't blame her for wanting to even things out.

Also if he was actually involved in the daughter's life to a point of knowing how much taking care of kids cost, she couldn't pull off this lie, so he only has himself to blame.

Imagine if a mother didn't see her kid until she was 6 months and had no idea how much it costs to take care of her, she would get dragged to hell and back.

How old is the child? Over two or old enough for overnights? How much care is he providing?

@Kalevala he doesn’t have her overnight but I really don’t think that’s relevant to this!! She’s two next month

Yeah, the fact they split and he didn’t see the kid for six months doesn’t mean she gets to go on the rob. When he finds out, and he will, it’s going to be horrible.

if this is who she is, I can see why they split.

Why’s that relevant?

She shouldn't be lying about the cost in general. But if she wants to use her annual leave for childcare I don't see a moral issue with him 'paying her'. I'd be willing to bet he uses his own annual leave to suit himself and it won't be sprnt doing childcare.

To be honest, I'm surprised at you taking the side of a random man who shirked his responsibilities and ignored his own baby for 6 months over your friend, who you must have some care and empathy with to call her a friend? Surely you see how she must have struggled doing everything alone while he pleased himself, and that has probably coloured her actions towards him? Of course it's not great behaviour, but doesn't your care for her override your concern for an unknown and not very decent man?

She ie being dishonest but I wouldn't say truly awful..sounds like she's got a of the responsibility arranging childcare, call.it an admin fee.

Perhaps she sees it as payback.

Yes it’s underhanded, but he sounds utterly vile. Only you can decide if it’s crossed a line and you no longer trust her/think she will do it to you.

The hours of care the mother is providing would be expensive if provided by anyone else. 168 hours a week minus any care he is providing.

Does he pull his weight with their child? If not then I don't blame her.

an admin fee

so true 😂😂😂 seriously though not agreeing with her being dishonest, but it seems things are not evenly split between them anyway with most of the responsibilities being on her and him dipping out for the first 6 months.

So how often exactly does he have her?

And what steps is he taking to secure overnights?