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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

307 replies

Jamye · 01/05/2024 19:30

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 01/05/2024 22:57

I would say if I wasn't friends with the ex I would not care. She's confided in you about this, but it's not your place to care. She has her reasons.
If you don't want to go on holiday with her BC you can't afford it just say, if she wants to pay for you then think about it. But don't get your violins out about her ex's predicament.

katebushh · 01/05/2024 22:58

OPs friend should not have told her this, no.

OP being 'uncomfortable' and 'shocked' though is the issue I think needs addressing because personally I find its best to keep your beak out of other people's finances.

Notadoormat4 · 01/05/2024 22:58

CMS is the bare minimum a non resident parent should be paying.

She shouldn't be dishonest about it no. But why shouldn't he also pay for the childcare? He works too 🤷‍♀️

He is paying for his child.

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 23:00

@Beezknees I totally agree with you that both men and women should be more bloody responsible about what they do!

The difference is, if I had an unwanted pregnancy I could get an abortion, so if anything men ought to be MORE careful about what he puts in a woman's body because he doesn't have that choice.

Playing devil's advocate here: a woman always has the choice to have an abortion or not. A man doesn't have that choice over what a woman does with a pregnancy.
So, if a woman has all the power to make the decision of whether to keep the baby or have an abortion - regardless of the man's preference - should she not be the one to take all of the responsibility to prevent pregnancy in the first place?

Ebeneser · 01/05/2024 23:03

I personally wouldn't get worked up about it. Sure it's an underhand way of going about it, but the resident parent (usually the lower earning mother) will pay absurdly more money towards raising the child. Why should the father get away with paying a pittance just because they can. CMS is a slap in the face quite frankly.

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 23:06

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 23:00

@Beezknees I totally agree with you that both men and women should be more bloody responsible about what they do!

The difference is, if I had an unwanted pregnancy I could get an abortion, so if anything men ought to be MORE careful about what he puts in a woman's body because he doesn't have that choice.

Playing devil's advocate here: a woman always has the choice to have an abortion or not. A man doesn't have that choice over what a woman does with a pregnancy.
So, if a woman has all the power to make the decision of whether to keep the baby or have an abortion - regardless of the man's preference - should she not be the one to take all of the responsibility to prevent pregnancy in the first place?

No, she shouldn't take all responsibility. That's just an argument for men to be lazy.

It's not about women having the "power" it's just how biology works, women can get pregnant and men can't. Whoever doesn't want a child, should be responsible for contraception, simple as that.

ShoveItUpYourArseMargaret · 01/05/2024 23:11

Unless you know exactly what he’s put her through then you really are in no position to judge.

My ex was a total utter shit and I’d have absolutely no qualms about taking extra money off him (not that I’d get it). May he rot in hell.

Midwinter91 · 01/05/2024 23:13

I would not be friends with her any longer. And I’d be tempted to tell her why, and make sure the father knows.

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 23:18

@Beezknees It's not about women having the "power" it's just how biology works, women can get pregnant and men can't. Whoever doesn't want a child, should be responsible for contraception, simple as that.

Exactly!!
So, if a woman doesn't want to get pregnant, she should be responsible .........

GoldenTrout · 01/05/2024 23:20

I'd be worried that a woman who lies this easily to other people and who is basically committing fraud would end up doing the same to me.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 01/05/2024 23:20

Team.OP , she is being dishonest and that's not a quality I would want in a friend.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 01/05/2024 23:20

To be honest I think it is none of your business and you should not be getting worked up about it. He was no better leaving her pregnant and not seeing their daughter until she was 6mths old so I would say he is only paying back what he was not paying then. I could not do it but it is her business and I would not fall out with a friend over it. I would ask her does she not feel guilty at all for it but she is doing all the parenting and it is hard being a single parent and not getting time for yourself so unless you are in her situation really hard to judge what you would do in the same scenario.

RazzlePuff · 01/05/2024 23:21

Totally awful of her to be lying, but it’s not your problem. Don’t discuss. It will only bring you misery.

You can’t afford the holiday so it’s ok to ask her to bring it to your level and she can spend her ill gotten gains elsewhere.

it’s ok to let her know it worries you, that’s fine to say.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 01/05/2024 23:24

No wonder he left her if this is the sort of character she is, christ.

Yousay55 · 01/05/2024 23:29

Surely he could look into the costs himself to check everything is correct?
I think it must be hard being left with the baby by herself . I can understand why she is doing it.

Bellavida99 · 01/05/2024 23:30

She’s probably got a 2 for 1 hotel voucher she’s not telling you about too

Angeldelight50 · 01/05/2024 23:33

Beezknees · 01/05/2024 22:20

I really couldn't care less. Women are always expected to take the moral high ground and where does it get us.

Show quote history

This!

If my friend told me she had been doing this, I wouldn’t for a second think she was going to rob me blind in future. Her action is a reaction, it’s not as if she’s pick pocketing people on the street, I’d just make a note not to get her pregnant and abandon my child for 6 months.

As for those who say they would distance themselves.. Do you think any of his mates have felt the need to distance themselves from him when he abandoned an infant? Fucking no chance.

As they say, not my monkeys not my circus.

K37529 · 01/05/2024 23:37

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 01/05/2024 20:54

Maybe he didn't want a baby and she did? If a woman chooses to continue a pregnancy where man has made it clear that he's not interested then he shouldn't be forced to pay.

If she wanted to not continue the pregnancy and he wanted to have a baby he would have no say in that. Its a two way street.

Edited
Show quote history

I hate this argument, women should just end the pregnancy if the man decides he doesn’t want to be a father after he’s already got her pregnant, or else raise the baby with no financial help. If she ends the pregnancy it is her that has to live with that decision. I would imagine that having an abortion can be an extremely stressful and emotional time for a woman, that some women would not be willing to put themselves through. So what about those women? Tough on them? Or here’s another idea, if he didn’t want to be a father maybe prevent the pregnancy before it happened 🤷‍♀️

katebushh · 01/05/2024 23:42

Midwinter91 · 01/05/2024 23:13

I would not be friends with her any longer. And I’d be tempted to tell her why, and make sure the father knows.

No one will be confiding in you then I hope, what a busy body you are!

Perhaps she should send a poison pen letter too eh!l?

Moveoverdarlin · 01/05/2024 23:44

Six months of coping on her own with a newborn, he’s NEVER had her overnight. Imagine those first six months, they should have been the happiest of her life, but her DP left her. I don’t feel a huge amount of sympathy for him. This wouldn’t worry me. She’s your friend, not him.

a222 · 01/05/2024 23:54

good on her.

she clearly misjudged you and was sharing too openly.

LondonFox · 02/05/2024 00:08

setmestraightplease · 01/05/2024 23:00

@Beezknees I totally agree with you that both men and women should be more bloody responsible about what they do!

The difference is, if I had an unwanted pregnancy I could get an abortion, so if anything men ought to be MORE careful about what he puts in a woman's body because he doesn't have that choice.

Playing devil's advocate here: a woman always has the choice to have an abortion or not. A man doesn't have that choice over what a woman does with a pregnancy.
So, if a woman has all the power to make the decision of whether to keep the baby or have an abortion - regardless of the man's preference - should she not be the one to take all of the responsibility to prevent pregnancy in the first place?

Lol what?
Any man old enough to legaly have sex had education on how babies were made.
Man makes decision about having childrrn at the point he agrees to unprotected sex.
It is that simple.

setmestraightplease · 02/05/2024 00:21

@LondonFox Any man old enough to legaly have sex had education on how babies were made.

Any man old enough to legaly have sex had education on how babies were made. - as does a woman?

Man makes decision about having childrrn at the point he agrees to unprotected sex.
-as does a woman?

(and I'm talking about sex within a relationship - not rape)

Stop making women into victims. We are perfectly capable of making our own decisions in life, without relying on men to decide things for us.

Especially something as life-changing as pregnancy.

Lucythecleaner · 02/05/2024 00:38

Oh a man that actually is paying over what the CMS say he should for his OWN child boo fucking hoo!

LondonFox · 02/05/2024 00:55

setmestraightplease · 02/05/2024 00:21

@LondonFox Any man old enough to legaly have sex had education on how babies were made.

Any man old enough to legaly have sex had education on how babies were made. - as does a woman?

Man makes decision about having childrrn at the point he agrees to unprotected sex.
-as does a woman?

(and I'm talking about sex within a relationship - not rape)

Stop making women into victims. We are perfectly capable of making our own decisions in life, without relying on men to decide things for us.

Especially something as life-changing as pregnancy.

Where do you see me making women victims?
Women have two points to stop child being born: sex and early pregnamcy.
Men have one: sex.
So ther is zero point in men complaining about women getting an abortion as they can, as men, very effectivelly stop women from getting pregnant and child being born in the first place (unless man was raped).
It is just biology.