To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

I feel the same reading this thread. Imagine if this was posted in reverse? Can't believe people are justifying this. Truth is there is no justification for deceit like this. None. None. I ignored signs of a friends behaviour years ago, convinced that - oh well, at least she will never do this to me. She did.

I Couldn't trust her.

Agree with this.

If she'll defraud one person, she'll defraud anyone.

She's not an admirable person.

OP, there is no way to know all the details of her marriage, split and child support. Don't judge, don't repeat it and myob.

@Beezknees 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

The 'father' of my DD walked away when she was a toddler (and knew who he was - "Where's Daddy?) and has had nothing to do with her since. She's preteen now. Not paid a penny.

This wouldn’t bother me, he doesn’t sound like a great parent not seeing his child for 6 months and never having her overnight. He’s leaving a lot to your friend including the mental load (he’s clearly never sorted nursery).

Look at it this way, she probably spends more than he gives her on her child, she just has some of her own money left over now to treat herself.

YABU. This is a case of a man who failed in his practical duties as a dad and as a partner to the mother of his child. Your friend deserves every penny she can get out of him. It's giving her and her child a good quality of life, which will compensate for the stress he caused her, and the emotional neglect his actions will have likely caused his child.

Even if you disagree, please mind your own business. Don't tell your husband. He will tell his colleague; men almost always stick up for each other.

This will lead to loads of trouble between your friend and her ex, which will ultimately cause her and her daughter to suffer. The co-parenting relationship between your friend and her ex will likely never recover from her dishonesty.

Always think of and prioritise the children in any situation. Your friend's daughter is innocent. She does not deserve to suffer, which regardless of morals, will be the ultimate outcome of you kicking the hornet's nest.

Also, it will 100% nuke your friendship.

Feel free to privately disagree with her. If you must, you can say you personally don't approve, but you'll support her and keep her secret.

How u comfortable dis you feel when he refused to see or care for his child during the first six months of its life?

Clearly it is dishonest what she is doing. But I have never been abandoned for the first six months post birth.

I can understand but don’t condone the impulse.

I think you need to get off your high horse tbh.

This friend sounds like she is a single mum who doesn’t get much of a break because of this shitbag. I say fuck him.

Also, he clearly isn’t that interested in his child’s life or costs of anything if he doesn’t even know about tax free childcare. Surely she is eligible for it so that’s on her ex to know about it.

Not your business.

It's not your business at all. Don't involve yourself. Clearly your friend's ex isn't perfect, how can anyone not see their child for 6 months? It's right that a man should pay for his own child. Would you prefer to personally pick up the financial slack?

It’s a little relevant in that he does no practical parenting. But I’d say to her I hope she’s saving for when he realises, goes back to paying minimum and refuses to pitch in for anything else without an itemised pre paid receipt. Quite justifiably.

I totally agree and applaud her. He'll wriggle out of it when he wises up. I bet he does zero mental load or practical help, he owes her.

Rubbish, fuck him.

Yes she’s being dishonest and I wouldn’t want to profit from her dishonesty but do you think your H would be as indignant as you if his colleague was paying fuck all or paying himself a low wage on paper to pay peanuts her peanuts, I don’t think so.

For every woman scamming their Ex, there’s hundreds of men paying zero or next to zero and society gives zero fucks.

I bet he stole her mental health and sleep when he didn't pitch in for SIX MONTHS. I like men, hate errant fathers.

So he really isn’t pulling his weight! And didn’t even help or support his child in the crucial first few months of his baby’s life. So effectively she is doing most of the childcare, not to mention the responsibility and mental load. Absolutely I wouldn’t judge her for this at all, and would book the holiday with her. She has been very honest with you, which is all that matters.

His behaviour crap, as is hers. I'd be distancing myself

Yeah I'd change my tone towards someone like this too.

I also had a shit ex but as much as he was crap and didn't pull his weight I would never have felt justified to lower myself to his standards by lying and conning him.

Perhaps get your DH to suggest to your friend he gets nursery bill and invoice sent direct to him and pays directly as you can get tax free childcare if you're paying it.

Is this her overall character? Does she do this kind of thing in every aspect of her life? Or even one or two other aspects? If yes then you should distance yourself. If not then she is probably still heartbroken and using his money to feel better about the situation. That is not healthy way to heal and she puts her daughter at risk of more strained relationship with her father If he finds out. Ultimately she is lying and therefore stealing.

I wouldn't tell her ex, but maybe your DH could helpfully mention to him that he could save money by paying the nursery fees via tax-free childcare? If he set up an account and paid the nursery directly then he'd save 20%. And as it happens, he'd also benefit by not paying his scamming ex for her fake extra day each week....

He definitely should’ve seen the baby. I agree that makes him a dick.

Until I know more about how he cares and has cared for his child I can’t pass judgement on her. Think it’s crazy you don’t think that’s relevant to this post.

Yes.

But this woman clearly did want a baby, or she would have terminated.

She shouldn’t have told you. She shouldn’t tell anyone but I don’t think I could judge her in the circumstances. He left her in the lurch and now she is taking her revenge. Not nice but there it is. Tell her that you would rather not know stuff like that and warn her to keep it to herself.

If you don’t like her then let her go.

No. Life is full of situations where our rights and control over consequences is limited to a particular window of opportunity, and if we fail to excercise our rights at the time we must live with the consequences. Men have that window of opportunity only at the time of conception. This is not news, women have had the sole right to decide to continue a pregnancy for quite some time now, and men know this. Its their job to use their only opportunity to excercise their own rights wisely, not the job of women to shield them from the consequences of their folly if they don't.