To think my friend is truly awful for doing this?

[Jamye]

My friend has recently been very keen to book a mini break with me. I’ve been looking forward to it and she’s sent lots of links to luxury hotels etc. It got to the point where I had to say could we go somewhere cheaper, she said that was fine and then proceeded to say she only had ‘extra income’ because she was getting her ex to pay for all her DD’s childcare by firstly giving him inflated cost of them, not telling him she’s using tax free childcare and also taking holiday allowance one day a week so has a day with her daughter that basically her ex is paying her for as he thinks he’s funding nursery!

I was really shocked by this and think it’s very wrong. His maintenance was already high in the first place and then she asked for more because nursery is more, when it’s actually not. So she has all funded nursery and some left over for dd and for her to spend as she wants. I haven’t told my DH as he is still a colleague of my friend’s ex. They had an acrimonious split and my friend feels she is ‘owed’ this (he left her and only started seeing their dd when she was six months). I do totally get my friend has been through a lot and I have huge sympathy, but this is basically stealing money?! He is not a wealthy man and she earns well herself. AIBU to be surprised/disgusted by this?! I genuinely don’t feel I can sustain the friendship as it is so lacking in basic honesty!

She's happy to lie to her ex, brag to you and know that you can't even discuss it with your DH.
We don't know why they split up and it sounds like he pays a ridiculous amount and sees his child. She sounds vindictive enough to make access difficult.
But really it doesn't matter. She's a liar and you can't trust a liar. I wouldn't want her for a friend.

I would be very uncomfortable with this and would be distancing myself from her.

Honestly I don't love it but he never sees his kid. I don't doubt she needs a vacation.

Him being a shitty person seems the bigger issue.

He didn't see his kid for the first 6 months of her life and OP won't answer if he sees her now.

And what can she accurately know about their childcare arrangements? Why didn't he see his baby for six months? Can you confidently call that?
If the OP's account of her friend's behaviour is accurate, she's proven herself to be underhand, devious and a liar.

What co parenting? Did he even look at the nursery his daughter goes to? Talk to the carers about his DD, cost, food, daily routine etc? I expect the mother asked those questions.

Well OP acknowledges her friend has been through a lot with this man as he left her and didn't see his baby for 6 months. Then she says the father is far from perfect.

She also knows he doesn't do overnights.

You sound like a terrible friend to her anyway to have so much more sympathy for him, than her. Yes it’s wrong but considering his behaviour in the past and the fact he still doesn’t have his child overnight or have any ideas regarding the nursery fees, I hardly think it’s that disgusting.

In your opinion. And the facts are clearly that he hasn't stepped up. Come on, it's not yur friend is it? It's your boyfriends ex.

Is it right or honest? No but it’s really none of your business, it almost sounds like the reason you’re most upset is that you’re jealous she’s got more money than you?

This woman giving other women a bad name. Plus, she’s stealing. Or perhaps it’s fraud.

That's what's coming across to me I'm afraid.

He's done morally wrong, and now she is doing it back. It's not something I would do and would disapprove of, but I can kind of understand why she is doing it.

It isn't great that she's bragging about it and that in itself would put me off a friend but if I found out accidentally that a friend was doing this (under her circumstances) then I'd think good for her. It seems like a fair price to pay for the emotional burden she has endured single-handedly during the first year of raising a baby.

I'm guessing the additional financial income is short-lived as her DD won't be in childcare forever.

Well, may be she was always a deceiving, money grabbing person and that's why he left. May be she got pregnant to try and trap him and he needed/ needs the extra time for his parenting instincts to kick in. Or may be, he is a horrible man. We don't know, and luckily the post is not about him.

Your friend, however, has bragged about being dishonest and greedy. So we know who she is. And if you don't like her anymore, you don't like her anymore.

Tbh, I'd rather she hadn't told me, and it might affect how much I trust her to be honest in her dealings with me, but I don't think I'd feel worked up about it. If it bothers you, you should let the friendship cool off, but I wouldn't go further than that, personally.

On the subject of your 'luxury' trip she's looking at - please don't be surprised if she books a Groupon deal or similar, and charges you the full rack rate, I.e. a free holiday for her as well.

This is what a friend tried to do to me. Obviously not a friend any more!

I couldn't be bothered by this. He left her to deal with the pregnancy and early days? F him. He's a right shit, he's treated her awfully, what goes around comes around.

Sounds like they deserve each other.

Utter nonsense and pathetic excusing his behaviour. Again, he should have used protection if he didn't want a baby. You can't "trap" someone with a baby, if she got pregnant it means he was not using contraception, that's entirely his problem.

She only screwing over a man so on here there are a lot that will feel that is perfectly fine

I’m with you, I think it shows what she’s capable of and I’d think less of someone who does that.

A man who didn't bother seeing his child for the first 6 months and doesn't even have her overnight or are you ignoring that bit? He deserves to be screwed over.

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

I really couldn't care less. Women are always expected to take the moral high ground and where does it get us.

I have no sympathy for lying, stealing, mothers, and as a pp said if this is a sample of her character then maybe there are good reasons for why they are no longer together.

There's no good reason for a man to not see his child for 6 months and not have them overnight. I don't care why they aren't together, that doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting. It's embarrassing how many women will fall over themselves to make excuses for them.