I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

And I as the parent of a 33 year old whose autism was diagnosed at 3 but has managed to achieve a degree and live independently find it very useful. So what makes you right and me wrong ?

Dipping into a thread to deliver a rather unpleasant attack on the OP, launching a classic ‘darvo’ on her before flouncing off with further insults is utterly cowardly and pathetic.

Nothing makes me right and you wrong. I never said that, although it seems so many people on this thread like to put words in others mouths. I said I found it difficult to understand and offensive. My personal opinion, of which I'm entitled to, as you are yours.

What do you find offensive about the OP talking about being assaulted? Should it not be discussed?

Can you actually read?! This thread is hard work!
I was talking about the mild autism diagnosis terminology and how I personally found it difficult to understand and offensive. Maybe try having a read before make ridiculous comments!

It's only hard work because you are discussing terminology rather than OPs actual problem. Should she remain nc with a violent, abusive man or should she be guilt tripped by her enabling parents into saying sorry. That's it.

Quite, @LittleGreenDragons I find it rather squirrely, while I know threads evolve, all the 'more about me, centre me, you've upset me' posts bizarre! Especially the flouncey ones! It's not even their thread, who cares if they flounce! 😆

OP have you heard of the charity Sibs? They might be an avenue of support.
https://www.sibs.org.uk/support-for-adult-siblings/

Try reading before commenting. I have discussed her actual issue.

Your brother may be a violent bully but you're not a very nice person either.

BE KIND.

It doesn't matter how abusive, manipulative, even potentially murderous a man is to a woman, it is imperative that she uncomplainingly accepts everything, or she is a Bad Person.

I have. Unfortunately you seem to be having problems with quite a few other posters on this thread. Time for some self reflection maybe.

It's worse for a female to be 'not nice' than a male to be a violent bully for some!

@DoreenonTill8 yes, it is! And the definition of "not nice" is all-embracing. Expressing any relief at being free of an abusive man for a while is sufficient.

Absolutely, who cares he and your parents ruined your childhood with violence and physical abuse, you didn't buy him lunch!!
Clearly that's worse!!

It's a public forum, I have been polite throughout, unlike many on this thread. A difference of opinion is natural in a large group of people from differing backgrounds. As such, I feel no need to self reflect, on merely stating my opinion whilst also trying to understand OP.

LOL! If it's DH who is the Crich fan then maybe cave and go with him after all, just the once. 😂

Do you think the op has found it offensive to be assaulted? Or on this thread specifically to have people tell her she is wrong about her life? That seems to bother you less than your own feelings. There is no fundamental right to not be offended, including on other peoples threads.

@SpidersAreShitheads Fucking hell. I don't even know where to begin with your rant. I'm an autistic woman too, and I've had mental health issues in the past. I've managed to not push anyone down the stairs, weponise my depression, or indeed be a vile bully to anyone. I'm firmly on OP's side on this. Her DH, also being autistic, is appalled by her DB's behaviour towards her! Do our opinions count?
(P.S. Spiders are bloody awesome.)
And yes I consider myself 'mildly autistic' (high functioning) purely because most days I just get on the with it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Even doing things I hate like cleaning my flat and making appointments and going to work. Some days I struggle more than others though.

Quite. Often not "being nice" is not doing exactly what l want, when l want it

Yes, it is amazing at the lengths taken to protect and defend violent men.

The apologists here must have violent male relatives themselves.

Fortunately, many women are getting fed up with it, and they either cut these nasty men off, or they are having them arrested and thrown in jail where they need to be.

I'm pretty sure my late DH would have defended me if someone had shoved me down the stairs in my own home. He would have pummeled them.

How many relatives or other people have you violently attacked? Have you punched anyone or push somebody down the stairs?

Thank you so much for this, will check the site out

Unfortunately @SpidersAreShitheads sounds a lot like my brother in many ways.

Politeness of isn’t merely a matter of tone or avoiding certain words. You have made a very impolite choice to center yourself and your child in this thread and repeatedly demanded that your feelings about the phrase “mild autism” be attended to urgently. “I am offended” is neither impolite nor polite but it is demanding and intrusive since you have used it to derail the thread and draw attention away from OP’s needs to your own.

Precisely, I'm appalled by those who have come on this thread and tried to shut op down with deflection and self centering, is that the DARVO people mention?
At least its evidence of the ops back story that people think/act like that!