I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

I think the mistake was tolerating your brother’s company in order to see your dad. It was actually pretty cheeky to impinge on your brother’s time with him and then not follow through.

I think you need to reframe the situation for your family-
“We only saw DB because we love you, mum and Dad, and don’t want to upset you. Sadly DB has pushed his wife down the stairs and attacked me on several occasions, and now no longer wants to see me because I’m apparently ’worse than hitler’. I don’t feel able to argue with him about that. DH and I get upset as well, and prefer to avoid things that upset us.”

Given your brother’s ASD, is there likely to be neurodiversity throughout the family? As in, it’s not just your brother that’s likely to be a bit inflexible about things?

It just feels so hard to be super clear that we didn’t want to see him. He knows we were going to visit to see dad, and he was a nice to have there, but to be super clear feels mean.

It’s not helped by the fact he is really struggling with his mental health atm, and has been for the past year, but I don’t know how much I need to keep bending for him in order for me not to be the bad guy.

I love my brother, despite everything he is one of the closest people to me, we have such a laugh when we hang out but since having DS it’s become so hard as his expectations are high and he just doesn’t understand that my life is now different, I barely have time to see my best friend who lives 10 mins away, and he will never ‘get it’ I don’t think due to his ASD

Being Autistic and being a twat arent mutually exclusive and while your Bro's violence may be partly or wholy due to his SN it doesnt mean you have to put up with it and it obviously upsets your DH to see you treated like this.
Just be careful you aren't expected to take over his admin etc when your parents no longer can

YADNBU your parents have pussy footed round your brother for years, at the expense of your childhood, and now are angry with you for upsetting the apple cart, probably with an eye to the future and you taking over their role. Stick to your guns.

Ah so my brother wasn’t spending loads of time with dad during those two weeks, those two weeks were mainly for my dad to shoulder some of the ‘caring’ duties my mother is expected to do. Such as cleaning my brothers flat, getting his shopping, making Drs appts, dental appts etc. more restbite for mum if that makes sense. if they had plans and were going to spend days together I’d not have suggested it, the suggestion was also to encourage my brother to spend some nice time with dad instead of staying in his room whilst dad cleaned

Yeah taking over as carer has become more front and center in my mind lately, esp with both mum and dad having health scares recently.

I have made it clear it’s a non starter, mum seems somehow convinced something will happen magically to not make it necessary - most likely him dying before her (sounds awful but he is extremely overweight and depressed, has self harmed before so I don’t think it’s that unbelievable to think she is correct with that assumption)

Well, if he can go to Japan he can come to your house, can't he? It sounds as though he's been very indulged throughout his life and he uses his anger and temper whenever he doesn't get his own way.

This is complicated.

However, there is a clear principle here which you may find helpful; you are not responsible for your brother.

You are responsible for yourself and your baby and to some extent your DH.

It wax arguably rude to cancel the lunch.

However you would probably benefit from some clearer communication within your family and it sounds like this incident is making that happen.

If it is anybody's responsibility to look after your brother (you mention phone calls and driving) it's your mum and dad's. Not yours.
Stop doing that.

Your mum and dad might try to guilt you into doing it/playibg happy families but you have a responsibility to your own child and family now.

I would take your brother going NC as a very good thing - quite honestly he sounds like a thoroughly over indulged man child and not a nice one at that. No apology needed.

I know....but right now he just receives the message you don't want to see him full stop. Giving him some reason might at least give him something to work with.

This last response was really different - you said you love him and are close to him and enjoy his company but find it hard. So you don't really want to go full on no contact?

Then maybe just say things are harder with the baby and you were already thinking the lunch detour was too much but made the commitment for your Dad. You will arrange to see your brother another time. At the end of the day, you need to handle this instance a little bit in isolation - how would you handle it if it was someone else? You've loaded all this past bad feeling onto why you're not meeting him for lunch but not telling him that. Of course, he's done a catalogue of things wrong but lots of wrongs don't make a right. You clearly care about him but also have a lot on your plate with baby....just put this particular instance right so you have a clear conscience for your own sake and can carry on with your day

I think at the moment I prefer NC vs the status quo

But in an ideal world I want a relationship with a brother who isn’t selfish, and a drain on my time and energy.

I want to want a relationship with him if that makes sense. I love him to bits, but since having DS I am maybe seeing more clearly the inequalities in our relationship and it’s bugging me more than it has done before. Especially as I’m tired as shit, so maybe I’m not responding as rationally as I used to.

What's the bit about someone pushing their wife downstairs all about?

It sounds like a great result for you. I would be delighted to hear my violent relative had gone NC.

Yanbu. It sounds like you see way too much of him.

DH doesn’t like the fact I was pushed down the stairs by my brother, it was one of the worst incidents he witnessed

Thats his view, he doesn’t like someone who pushed his wife down the stairs.

The back story is really giving justification for why you don't want the relationship not why you'd pull out of this particular arrangement, so taking that in isolation - as he no doubt will - it does seem off and would warrant an apology.

You can't be repeatedly violent towards someone and then refuse to consider that context when getting offended that they aren't rushing to spend time with you.

If it were me, I'd own it and speak frankly. "Yes family members. You're quite correct that the only reason the meet up was planned was to see dad, and while brother was included, he wasn't the reason for the trip. Unfortunately due to the history of violence in his part, and his own lack of effort to connect with us, we don't have the sort of relationship where we would spend part of DHs birthday trip with him. I'm sorry if that offends you mum and family, but that's the way it is I'm afraid. More tea anyone...?"

It doesn't seem like it matters if you're being unreasonable or not. The outcome is one that you're happy with, you don't have to deal with your selfish and abusive brother any more. Enjoy your freedom!

Definitely, he uses his temper and physical size to intimidate people in order to get his way. Sometimes it does appear to be an instinctual reaction, but other times he clearly knows that both myself and my mum are scared of his reactions and uses it to his advantage.

Same applies to weaponising his mental health.

Oh I see, sorry. I can completely understand your husband's POV here and I'd be worried about your brother doing anything like that in future.

I have become quite desensitized to it, so I struggle sometimes with how strongly DH feels about these incidents, as all I think is ‘3 times in 11 years is pretty good’ as it would be nearly daily growing up

Why do you love him?
Do you think you genuinely do or you think you do/are expected to because you are related?
He doesnt sound like he does much to deserve your love

If he violent towards you because of his condition, then he could be violent towards your child. Your child should not meet him.

If he is violent towards you and it is nothing to do with his condition, then you should probably not see him at all. Your child should never see you being hit by your family.

I think when you love someone and then you seen them violently attacked by someone else you can't unsee that. Your DH doesn't have the same history as you with your brother, he's only going to see the bad.

It is never unreasonable not to want to spend time with an adult who has been violent towards you.

This. I don't think you can see this clearly OP. He sounds dangerous and frightening and as if he adds nothing positive to your life.