I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

Does your diagnosis mean you’re unable to read?

As firstly I wasn’t encroaching on his time with dad. Secondly I never said I wanted to go NC or that I am going to go NC.

I was travelling to see my father and extended an invite for him to join, it would have been nice for him to be there. He wasn’t the reason for my trip. Seeing my father and getting him to meet his first and only grandchild was the priority, my brother being there was a nice to have because he had been moaning about not seeing me since DS was born (because he made 0 effort to travel to me)

I have never claimed I know what it’s like to be autistic, I’m bloody glad I don’t. What I do however know is how fucking shit it is growing up in a house with someone who is.

@Treaclescourer ignore all the FOG peddling, they seem to be coming from your brother's stance, 'you need to accept my behaviour, I'm the victim' or your parents 'you're so awful, you need to do what you're told, you're not important'.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I have read all your comments Op. I am so struck , and saddened, by the fact that your wider family, and in particular your father, are still, at this point, telling you that you have to fix this, your brother is the priority etc etc.

Your dad sounds, frankly, terrible. He is trying to bully you into assuming his responsibility towards his son. I can see why your brother has learned to model that behaviour.

Rightly, your own DS & DH are your priority. Make sure your parents know, and understand this. They don’t get to deprioritise your family, as they seem willing to do to you.

Your dad left because he couldn’t cope with your brother. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on.

He’s apparently allocated this three weeks to his children. When was his last visit?

You have a husband who centres the needs of his wife and baby. What a blessed relief for you.

Before November he hadn’t been back for just under 2 years.

Reason this is rearing its head again is that the trip planned originally for November is happening in a weeks time so dad will finally get to meet DS and it’s opening the wounds of what happened last time

I have been clearer to family but they are all still so set on defending him, my father actively told me to never say that my brother wasn’t the priority again. And especially to never say it to him, when it was the facts of that particular situation.

that is horrible. Siblings should not be their siblings priority. Especially not when you were children / young adults.

During a time other children / YA prioritised themselves, their health, school, university, careers, relationships, friendships etc. you were expected to prioritise your DB. This kind of parentification is abusive and exploitative.

I imagine that you becoming a mother has shifted your focus and allowed you to see that you cannot continue to prioritise your DB at the expense of yourself and your DS. That is good and healthy. Well done!

I was in a similar situation as a child / YA and I am currently working on it with my therapist. I would strongly recommend you do the same.

edit: the fact that your DF left but is still expecting you to prioritise your DB is horrible. He - the parent - left and apparently feels it’s perfectly alright to put his parental burden on you, his daughter. It’s selfish and exploitative.
It’s a shame you were burdened with this kind of father and brother. You deserve better

Tell him you’ll also allocate one week a year to your brother. Fair’s fair.

They have relied on you being a pushover about this. I don’t think that will work for them anymore, now you have your own priorities.

You don’t need to make a fuss. Just quietly carry on as suits you, and mention the week a year offer to your dad if he tries it on.

With your mum, point out you recognise sacrifices she’s made for her son. You will now be prioritising your children.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be spending time with any relative who, as a grown adult, pushed me down the stairs.

While adaptations and accommodations are needed for people with an ASD diagnosis, it is actively unhelpful for there to be zero consequences when they are violent to others. Your brother has been taught that he can be as violent as he likes and then blame the victim of his abuse. You seem to have spent your life doing a lot of appeasing- it’s ok to say no.

Brava, OP. 👏👏👏

Nobody gets to decide what your priorities should be, other than you.

This is what I think, drawn from my life experience of families and my husbands large family.
Your mistake was to be honest. Next time you need to tell a 'business lie' like most other people do. Wait til nearer the time and then say oh no the babys sick, what a shame we can't come. We will do it another time. Then just keep being busy and vague.
Always be vague. Grey rock.

Do not spell it out to people that you dont like them as much as others, even if it is justified, because they wont take it well. Just make up some BS reason so that everyone can save face.

I actually agree with this - I'm a bit older than OP. Families like this have no incentive to change, all they want is to go happily along not being confronted about their behaviour. There's one person that soaks it all up, takes all the blame, because that enables every other selfish fucker to pretend it's all wonderful.

The beautiful thing is once you have your own family you can set some very firm boundaries and there's not a damn thing they can do about it. They won't like it, as OP is currently discovering, but what can they actually do about it? Call the police? Push her down the stairs again? Not if she stays away.

Sympathies OP. I know how much having a baby brings up your own experience of being parented. If you're up to it, get yourself to a therapist so you don't struggle with this alone, it's a total headfuck and you have every right to be angry, and ultimately happy.

Your poor mum.

Her "poor mum" let her get assaulted throughout her childhood. My sympathy is limited.

I think YANBU . Your DB is violent ,no 2 ways about it .Its often easier for older parents to turn a blind eye, and pretend everything is fine. Then wonder why the 2 siblings dont get along as adults! No one should be afraid of their own family

I can read perfectly well, ta.

Specifically I can read the part where you said "I think at the moment I prefer NC."

I can also read the part where you said "I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break." You see those words? Nice lunch with brother and dad....

I wonder why your brother thought you might actually want to see him too? How strange he would think that, right? Maybe it's because you describe a close and loving relationship: "I love my brother, despite everything he is one of the closest people to me, we have such a laugh when we hang out." Hardly surprising then that he would assume that you actually want to see him too. You acknowledge he was really "excited" about seeing you. So yes, I think you owe him an apology and yes, I think you've behaved badly. Your insistence that this was only about seeing your dad doesn't tie up at all with your other comments. I think it's just convenient to you to frame it that way to yourself so you can carry on pretending you're the good guy in all of this.

What I also managed to read was the multiple posts where you've been scathing about his mental health, dismissive of his anxiety, disbelieving about how his autism affects him. The fact that you can't see that a planned trip to Japan is very different from organising a doctor's visit says it all. You don't understand the first thing about autism and comments about him "weaponising his mental health" are downright shitty.

Your brother may be a violent bully but you're not a very nice person either. Because of what you've had to endure in the past you've convinced yourself that you're always in the right, when actually you're saying and doing some pretty shitty things too.

I don't care whether you reply or not as I'm muting this thread now. As an autistic woman I'm sick of reading ableist comments on MN about autism, and this thread is full of them, especially from you.

Do you genuinely not understand the difference between ‘I think I prefer being NC’ and ‘I am going to go NC’?

When someone has gone NC with you and you realise how much less stress is in your life that’s not the same as deciding to go NC yourself. Letting them continue the NC isn’t the same thing.

When have I been scathing of his anxiety? Anxiety he has medication for but refuses to take btw.

And he does weaponise his mental health. I’m not sure how you, a stranger can say with any certainty that I am wrong when I have seen it with my own eyes and lived it.

This is a man who told me he was on a bridge ready to kill himself because I didn’t answer a phone call the day before. If that’s not weaponising mental health I don’t quite know what is.

Your reading comprehension is piss poor

What I also managed to read was the multiple posts where you've been scathing about his mental health, dismissive of his anxiety, disbelieving about how his autism affects him. The fact that you can't see that a planned trip to Japan is very different from organising a doctor's visit says it all. You don't understand the first thing about autism and comments about him "weaponising his mental health" are downright shitty.

Would you say this to a woman who had left her husband after physical abuse, assuming that the husband had the same issues with ASD/anxiety as the OPs brother? Would you berate her for not being nice enough about him after she'd been thrown down some stairs?

This. It’s a toxic family dynamic of everyone bending over backwards for the brother at any cost by the parents which seems to have added to his entitlement and controlling ways. I feel sorry for OP. This is yet another situation where she is expected to come last. In terms of her original question YANBU and l would go NC or LC in your shoes

The fact that you can't see that a planned trip to Japan is very different from organising a doctor's visit says it all.
JFC! He planned and executed a three week trip to a different country all by himself. I'll bite - if he can do all that what part of his autism prevents him calling the GP?

Oh.. and DB went NC with OP, so you read that part wrong. She's just debating whether to let it continue or be guilt tripped into making amends.

You have been absolutely foul to the OP. I hope you aren't as abusive to your own family as OPs brother is to hers.

I think sadly @SpidersAreShitheads is probably the abusive ASD adult in their family and is deflecting in this post

@SpidersAreShitheads you do know that family will still often love someone despite their violence and aggression?
You by your insisting the 'OP is the bad one, poor me and poor brother' is only evidencing the rubbish she's had to put up with.

7 words barely acknowledging the violent abuse OP has suffered. 356 words berating her for not being kinder to her abuser.

I'm glad you're leaving this thread.

Your brother may be a violent bully but you're not a very nice person either.

Ha! This really reminded me of something someone in my family said when I tried to talk about the violent abuse I'd experienced from my brother.

The absolute lengths people will go to in order to protect violent men is astounding.

Op's preference for avoiding her brother may have something to do with the trauma he's caused her!

Amazing isn't it? And that monster has flounced thinking she's the victim on this thread.