I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

Exactly what I was thinking. I wouldn't want somebody who is violent and who messed up my childhood around my baby son.
For years it's been all about him. Now is your chance to rewrite the script and make him a secondary character, with you as the protagonist.

Absolutely.
He isn't good to you, he doesn't like you, you understandably don't like him either. You owe him nothing and you don't owe your family a reconciliation just so that they can pretend they have a normal happy family.
Enjoy a peaceful life without having to tiptoe around a violent petulant man.

It sounds like your family find him hard work and also rely on you to be supportive to him and perhaps shoulder some the load with him. You are expected to do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. This also happened with my sibling. I probably would have made a plausible excuse for not going to the lunch to save the upset, even though as you said it was obviously a two birds with one stone situation and there is nothing wrong with that!

Not to criticise your Dad as he is ill but if he is one who is criticising you, it sounds like working abroad keeps him away from the situation and not having to deal with your DB.

Could you subtly use these things as excuses - ie don’t tell him off or criticise him, but frame things as consequences of his self-indulgence actions. Eg. you could say that you changed your mind about visiting him because you don’t want to be a burden/tire him out as he’s clearly struggling if he can’t even arrange his own appointments, etc. That way he hopefully sees the cause of your non-visit as him, if that makes sense?

TBH, he mainly sounds like a bully who’s been indulged and is still being indulged. Your mum is doing him no favours.

Either tell him bluntly why you don’t want to see him, or use the method above in an attempt to try to improve his behaviour.

All I can hope for this ridiculous comment is you haven't read the thread.

This is definitely the time for a 'sorry you are upset " type apology ie. I'm not sorry for what I did or didn't do but "sorry YOU have an issue with it".

As a parent of a child who is on the spectrum and considered 'high functioning' I think your perception of your Brothers 'mild diagnosis' maybe quite an old fashioned way of thinking. Those that are higher functioning still struggle immensely. Just something to bare in mind when speaking about your Brother.

Not unreasonable at all. In fact, he is very lucky you did not decide to go NC with him ages ago. People on the spectrum are not all saints, some of them are arseholes and should be avoided, just like neurotypical arseholes. So enjoy your new-found liberation and don’t allow yourself to be bullied into maintaining contact with an awful person.

Are you 'subtlety' berating the OP here? Is she not 'being kind' enough?
Do you agree with the parents she's the bad one for just not understanding and she should of course accept violence, and if her child is also assaulted like she was for 'not being kind enough' well thats her/the child's fault isn't it?

Tbh having lived with him for 16 years I think I understand his struggles quite well.

He is perfectly capable when he wants to do something

I actually think his biggest issues are his crippling depression and anxiety, and the ASD is a bit of a red herring, but since getting a diagnosis it’s become a bit of a get out clause for him

I wouldn't bother going. Also, I would prefer that my DH made it clear to your DB, that he thinks he's an asshole due to being violent towards you.

Yes he hates change and was looking forward to the lunch, I fully understand why he is upset.

What I don’t quite agree with is it’s my fault for him being upset if that makes sense.

I think having DS has put an abrupt end to his position in my priority list and it’s been a harsh shock to his system and to mine, am still trying to navigate how it works and trying not to keep repeating the same behaviors from my end over and over again

Definitely, I was the third parent all through my childhood, the third parent that was expected to come in and help fix things but not respected enough to be listened to about longer term strategies to deal with his behaviour.

And dad 100% fled, my brother has been an emotional vampire his entire life and dad had enough and decided to leave the country, not realizing that wouldn’t help push my brother to be better, merely made him 100% my mums problem (and mine!) he is however thankfully coming back to the UK permanently from next year as I’ve told him he has to for all our sakes (mum has a terminal illness and is really struggling to put up with him atm)

Erm, did you actually ready what I wrote? As it seems as though you are putting words in my mouth!
I don't think shes in the wrong at all. And no one should have to endure any form of violence. I mentioned the perception of her Brothers disability as there seems to be a misguided view that because someone is high functioning its somehow easier for them to handle their disability. It's not. That was my only point.

He wasn’t convenient to begin with.

I ‘dropped’ him as going for lunch with just his wasn’t worth the extra travel! Spending time with my father who I haven’t seen for 2 years was

You need to prioritise yourself and your family. Nothing you do will ever be enough for him. It's very sad that he has a problem, but you can't sacrifice your own well-being and that of your child for someone else.

He is this way because he's been enabled, likely for his whole life.

Accepting that your family is as it is, rather than than the way you wish it is, is painful, but very necessary if you are to heal. Neither your brother nor your parents will change, because their pattern of control and capitulation has been perfected so long since that by now it's likely set in stone. Relinquishing the hope that one day they'll see the error of their ways and start treating you better (they won't) at least brings freedom and a certain measure of peace.

Now would be a good time to refuse to continue dancing to this tune. Don't capitulate; don't apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.

If your family throws a collective strop and removes their presence from your life, then that's their decision alone. You can't control others' responses, only your own. In your situation I'd be done with allowing them to control you.

Don't justify, argue, defend or explain. The answer is a calm and simple 'no'. You deserve peace in your life and will not find it as long as this dynamic is allowed to continue.

You actually think make violence towards OP is irrelevant? That's screwed up.

Sorry mum and dad but years of allowing x to think his needs come first and no one else’s matter have left me struggling to maintain a relationship with my brother, as he’s simply not that likeable and his lack of independence is stifling. I’d love to have a relationship with him but I fear while everyone caters to his needs and tiptoe around him that will never be achievable, as he’s never going to change. I’m not going to apologise for not investing lots of time and effort in to a one sided relationship that is all about him, especially now I’m a parent myself and have other priorities.

Tbh depression and especially anxiety are very often comorbid with ASD. Some experts think anxiety should be considered a core feature. However that’s by the by. I’m very sorry to read your mum is terminally ill. No wonder she’s panicking that you have fallen out with your brother as I suspect you are her plan b for when she’s gone. Your parents urgently need to make plans for your brother’s future that aren’t just ‘his sister will look after him’. Some kind of supported independent living for a start. Easier said than done especially as they seem unrealistic about him.

Maybe your brother gets his selfish behaviour from your dad. I can't believe he abandoned his family like that. What a life your mother has had. Until the day she dies, her life will never be her own. Her disabled son constantly taking from her, and her daughter resents her for all the attention she gave to her son to keep things as peaceful as possible in the house. I know it's hard growing up as a "normal" child with a disabled sibling (I've been there), but you still grew up, moved out, and have a life of your own. Your poor mother won't be free until she is dead. Your brother will always be tortured by his disability. Your father, well, no comment. That's where your anger should be directed.

I agree with your DH, the diagnosis is not an excuse to be violent to anyone. Your DB may be wired differently but he can still understand what is right and wrong, and what is not an acceptable way to treat people.

I'm surprised you didn't got NC first.

For goodness sake don't apologise - he might forgive you and resume contact!

Joking aside, you don't have the type of brother you describe wanting and you never will. I understand completely what you're saying but it's pure fantasy and you need to think about the reality in front of you.

Your parents are beholden to him but, more importantly, will be extremely wedded to the idea that how they have behaved and what they have done to you - both as a child and an adult - is acceptable and fine. You are unlikely to get them to think differently because the reality would likely be psychologically devastating to them, so they will protect themselves from it, consciously or subconsciously.

What you need to decide is whether you want to continue or cut contact with the brother you actually have, bearing in mind that your choice includes inflicting your brother on your husband and vulnerable child. I think you need to work through that with a therapist. Best in mind that even if you protect them physically, the toll it will take on you to, for example, receive late night phonecalls where he threatens to kill himself, will all trickle down to your little family and negatively affect them. As would seeing their mother being treated with violence and disrespect, however infrequently.

You are not responsible for your brother's well-being on any level, but you are responsible for the well-being of your child and for your own. That is where your actual duty lies, hard though I'm sure it is to properly believe after a life-time of gaslighting, and I think you would benefit from working towards a true realisation in that vein with a professional too.

Possibly controversially, I think your brother's diagnosis is a massive red herring here.

There is no justification on earth for requiring a woman to put up with a violent adult man (with the possible exception of a parent to a child, in contexts and conditions I won't go into) whether his behaviour is culpable or not. None. There will be people who try to guilt you into thinking there is but this will be for reasons that are mainly about them (justifying their own choices re you or their own circumstances) or because it is literally more convenient to them to have you believe that (e.g. your dad).

I realise this is long, and somewhat preachy (sorry) but I'm desperate for women in general to really grasp that they can and must start putting themselves and their children before all the F.O.G. heaped on them by their immediate circle and by society at large (see this thread for examples!)

Wishing you all the very best.

I think his ASD is a separate issue tbh.

You shouldn’t be expected to stay in relationship with someone who is abusive.

My cousin weaponised her mental health whenever she felt she wasn't getting enough attention, either publicly via Facebook or on a WhatsApp group chat. It got to the stage where I couldn't be bothered dancing to her tune anymore.

That became the beginning of the end of our relationship. I got married, had my first DC, there were lots of issues, so life was tough, my focus was now on DC, my ailing parents and new family. I pushed back more. Gently, just not reacting to the demands at first, then as she became more reactive I just became the Grey Rock. You need to look up Grey Rock; it will help.

She went NC with me and my parents 3 years ago now. I've never felt freer. I don't have anxiety anymore, worry or dread at the next thing that will happen or be said.