I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

Considering I lived with it every day for 16 years this is a bit of an odd comment

What I mean by the depression comment is that I think if he bothered to take his sodding anti depressants and anti anxiety medication he would be a lot more ‘functioning’ he would still have struggle but could function better with them than he currently does.

I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand here. Yes those will be a result of his ASD but they are treatable, his ASD is not.

Your last paragraph is pretty vile tbh. He might not have asked to be the ASD sibling but I also didn’t fucking ask to be a 6ft, 25 stone man’s punching bag.

people like you make me sick

Maybe it's possible to accept two things: (a) OP's brother is not always able to control how he reacts to things at least in part because of his neuro diversity, and also (b) OP is not unreasonable to want to have boundaries on the time she spends with him because being with him is hard and she has a lot of other stuff on her plate too.

Did you really get to the part of post where you remembered to include a hand waving reference to some vicious domestic violence as an afterthought, and still think it was appropriate to keep going with berating?

Obviously his violence is unacceptable (although I doubt it was a place of evil but from emotional dysregulation) but the way you are so dismissive and derogatory of your brothers disability is awful quite frankly. He didn’t ask to be the ASD sibling. He was unlucky. It could have been you!

I'd say OP was the unlucky one being physically abused by him her entire childhood and thrown down a flight of stairs as an adult.

You are in no position to accuse anyone else of being dismissive.

Poor emotionally disregulated 25 stone violent petal.

This.
@RamblingAroundTheInternet you're another sympathiser/berater! So op is so lucky to have been the abused one? She should have been grateful for the violence and being pushed down the stairs? Woo hoo lucky you @Treaclescourer I hope you felt so sorry for your poor brother having to go on a long holiday to Japan.. just awful for him.

Thank you

AGlinnerOfHope · Today 17:19

We had to do a “No one else wants to go to Crich tramway museum. The kid’s having a meltdown because he’s looking forward to playing in the pool. We’re not going to Crich because no one else wants to.”
That was to an adult who then went off in a huff all day. We still haven’t been to Crich 🤣

To be fair, Crich is well worth a visit. Especially during one of their 1940s weekends. But maybe go without that adult so you get to enjoy it your way. 😉

I think I'd be tempted to frame it with DM/DF as the visit would mean losing time out of DH's birthday trip and he was prepared to do that for someone who was travelling from abroad but not for someone who is here all the time.

Then I'd point out how much better life has been since being NC with brother and make it clear to them that your own child takes priority over DB.

It does sound like you need to have a conversation with them about expectations on you when they are gone. You are never going to be able to provide for DB as they have when you have your own family.

They need to start looking into provisions for the future, sooner rather than later.

Regardless of the reason for the brothers violence,@Treaclescourer’s right to not be physically assaulted trumps his right to use her as a punching bag! Her parents are the ones who apparently babied and enabled her brother, to everyone’s detriment. It is NOT @Treaclescourer‘s duty/responsibility to resume the enabling and allow him to continue to bully and manipulate her.

Just be grateful he has gone NC sounds the best plan- and under no circumstances allow the situation to un 'NC' itself.

Those were my words. But at no point did I defend her Brother, at no point whatsoever.
I'm speaking from my own experice with my son, he would have been given as aspergers diagnosis. However he has struggled, life has been a battle for him and he's only 12. I find the mild diagnosis terminology difficult to understand and almost offensive.

Why is it offensive when it’s accurate?

No one has said mildly impacted = no struggles

It just means less struggles.

How is that so difficult to comprehend

Unless you think your son struggles as much as a child with ASD who can’t talk?

find the mild diagnosis terminology difficult to understand and almost offensive.

I think it's just descriptive. It doesn't mean easier. It's arguably harder in some ways for people with what would formerly have been called Aspergers as they'll be more self aware and have completely different expectations placed on them in comparison to someone with profound autism.
Factually though, the latter has far more significant impairment.

Because for me it's not accurate. A mild diagnoses doesn't necessarily mean less struggles. He is incredibly self aware and went through a period of almost mourning and heartache at wanting to be 'normal' and like his friends.
Whilst I don't agree with your Brothers actions. I feel you trivialise his disability. I believe your parents are mainly at fault in failing to protect you from him.

Thank you. That was really helpful :)

I agree.

a mild diagnosis factually does mean less impact on someone.

Im sorry that you seem hell bent on denying reality

@Ap42 what do you mean 'trivialise'? Do you mean by not accepting she just had to put up with the violence as he obviously couldn't help it?(

Did you not read my last response when you asked a similar question.

Does it though? I have sat watching my Son try to kill himself because of the self awareness he has surrounding him being 'different' as such I think your termonolgy sucks. Generally those kids with high functioning asd are more likely to suffer with mental health problems as a result of wanting to fit in. It's not an easy ride wherever you are on the spectrum. My Brother has a masters degree, but can't handle the social side of work..he went from earning a huge wage to being unemployed, also asd.

But @Treaclescourer is talking about HER brother, not your son or brother? And what she knows and how she was affected.
Why do so many want to shut people's life experiences down?

No one said it’s an easy ride.

The assessment looks at impact, factually if you score lower on the impact scale then yes, you’re less impacted and thus probably have it a bit easier than those higher up the scale.

The mental health issues that come hand in hand with those aware of their differences are treatable. Being non verbal and unable to use the toilet aren’t.

Well if she didn't want other people's opinions and experiences then maybe don't post on a huge forum like this?
Also, your contradicting yourself. I haven't tried to shut down her life experience. But here you are trying to shut down mine, which is relevant in attempting to demonstrate how 'mild autism' actually impacts the person diagnosed.

No one asked about your son though.

Your son and your experience has absolutely no impact on my post.

You’ve wedged it in to make me feel bad about wording used to describe my brother. That comes from my experience living with the man for longer than your son has been on this earth.

Your experience isn’t relevant at all.

Nonsense. She's merely pointing out that your experience isn't relevant to OP. Unless your son regularly assaults you?