I really don’t think I ABU but everyone thinks otherwise - AIBU?

[Treaclescourer]

I am quite used to always being seen as ‘at fault’ in my family but I am genuinely starting to think maybe I am being unreasonable here so wanted to get external opinions. It’s long so I apologize but I’d really appreciate any input.

backstory -
my brother has ASD (an Asperger’s diagnosis when that was still a thing) and although is very ‘high functioning’ is prone to being selfish, devoid of any empathy and at times violent.

My entire childhood revolved around him, and making sure he wasn’t overwhelmed due to the violent outbursts that would occur.

As he has gotten older the violence has started to become less frequent, but since being with my DH (11 years) he has witnessed 2-3 violent incidents from my brother towards me which has made DH not like my brother at all. He has ASD himself and because he isn’t violent doesn’t think my brother’s diagnosis is an excuse for that behavior. So I try to keep them separate, DH is polite and civil when around my brother but doesn’t enjoy spending time with him (although he does a very good job of masking it, as my brother is under the impression that he and DH are cool)

My brother lives 3 hours drive away from me.

(this is relevant) - additionally 8 years ago my father moved abroad for work and comes back to the UK every 2 years.

Now onto the issue at hand.

In November last year I was told my father was going to come back to the UK to visit for 3 weeks. This would be the first trip back since I had my DS. So it would be his first chance to meet his grandson. He was due to spend 2 weeks with my brother and one week with me.

DHs birthday is also in November and we had planned a city break for a long weekend. The city was about 40 mins away from where my brother lives. So I spoke to DH and said since we had limited time with my father I was thinking about making a detour to have maybe a nice lunch with my brother and dad on the way to the city break. To maximize the time as a family. He said of course as he also misses my dad (they have a great relationship) and wanted DS to get as much time with him as possible. I also hadn’t seen my brother for a few months at this point (as he won’t get a bus or coach to come and see us due to anxiety, and I had a newborn so wasn’t in the mood for 6 hour round trips)

Spoke to my brother, he was excited to see us all, great.

Unfortunately dad had to pull out of the trip due to medical issues a month before coming back. As that would just then leave the afternoon as just me, my brother, DH and DS I cancelled the detour to see my brother on the way to DHs birthday trip. As the only reason we were doing it was to maximize time with my father and tbh I felt bad expecting DH to spend a day around a man he dislikes on his birthday trip.

I understand why my brother is upset with this, but now I am public enemy number 1 in my family for being ‘so cruel’ to him and ‘making him feel like an afterthought’ - quite honestly he was an afterthought, he hasn’t bothered to come and visit us, he has never made the effort to come to me, and is now getting annoyed I wouldn’t do a 40 min detour to see him, I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words)

I’m not sure if since having DS a lot of trauma from my childhood and having to bend to my brothers will so much is coming up and making me a bit of an asshole, but honestly speaking - in this situation was I being unreasonable? Should I apologize?

You're spending far more time with someone who has violent outbursts than they deserve already.

No, don't apologise. Why should you make any effort to see someone who's prone to violence?

Yes.

I just read that as you wanted to 'share' some of your brothers 'dad time' and when your dad didn't come you've cancelled seeing your brother despite only being 40 mins away.

I can see why your brother is upset, you absolutely were not visiting to see him. The back story is irrelevant.

Well yes, I never claimed I was visiting to see my brother which is why I’m a bit confused.

I was visiting to see my father, my brother being there was a nice extra for some time as a family as a whole.

I could understand a bit more if I had told my brother I was coming to see him, and made it sound like he was the reason we were going - but he wasn’t. Just thought I could kill two birds with one stone, but with one of the birds not there didn’t see the point in throwing the stone

I can see how people are saying he's an afterthought. But I think as long as you're honest in saying yes he was an afterthought and you were only going to see your Dad, then at least you're being honest in that you don't have a relationship with your brother. Are you happy if he wanted to go NC? If you are then you've done nothing wrong.

PS, just because your DH has autism it doesn't mean it affects everyone the same.

No apology required.

Well after this my brother did decide to go NC, which is where the fall out is coming from. Because my parents are keen to mend the relationship, and tbh since not speaking to him for a few months I’m realizing how great it has been! No midnight calls threatening to kill himself if I don’t pack up and drive 3 hours to see him (with a 3 week old baby) no moaning about how I’m not giving him enough attention since having DS, no bitching about not being able to go to the cinema with me since having DS, since you can’t really bring a small baby to a normal showing etc.

And yes, I fully understand not everyone on the spectrum is the same, unfortunately DHs black and white thinking is at odds with that and can’t fathom why my brother is using a very mild diagnosis as an excuse for pushing his wife down the stairs.

I’m apparently a narcissist and almost as awful as Hitler (his words

🤣🤣🤣

What an overreaction!

If this was my family my db would’ve said “no problem” and that would be that.

Your family dynamics sound really strange to me, having Asperger isn’t an excuse to treat people like shit and be violent towards them. It all sounds like very hard work and now you have your own little family I’d concentrate on them and being happy - not kowtowing to the golden child and his flying monkeys!

You're not in the wrong.

If I was your brother, the message I would be receiving is that you don't value me/the relationship with me. You're already living far away from each other so this was a rare opportunity to catch up and through this you've made clear that there was no part of the lunch that was catching up with him, only your Dad.

This might be how you feel, and perhaps you're justified. The back story is really giving justification for why you don't want the relationship not why you'd pull out of this particular arrangement, so taking that in isolation - as he no doubt will - it does seem off and would warrant an apology. But perhaps this is an opportunity for you to take stock of what contact you want with your brother and put him in the picture?

There’s no such thing as a “very mild diagnosis”.

but the horrific violence demonstrated by your brother should be enough to cease all contact. That’s not autism, that’s him being evil.

Yes the hitler comparison was a bit of a wild one, DH is keen to send a copy of Mein Kampf for my brothers birthday this year as a joke but it might be too soon

I fully understand your brother going NC, I would too in the same circumstances. But there's nothing lost as you probably should have gone NC with him first rather than go to his house.

can’t fathom why my brother is using a very mild diagnosis as an excuse for pushing his wife down the stairs.

Oh no. Just no. Your db sounds like a selfish, violent twat who’s behaviour has been excused by his parents all his life.

That is so not ok. Sounds like you’ve been brainwashed into thinking db comes first at all times and you must tie yourself in knots to accommodate him. Maybe think about going LC for your own sanity.

And stop giving him so much headspace, you’ve done nothing wrong and sound like a great sister under what has been a very difficult family dynamic.

I say mild because he is definitely able to ‘play’ it up when needed

This is a man who can arrange and do a 4 week tour of Japan alone when he wants to attend an anime event, but needs my mum to make a doctors appt for him and drive him there (taking time off work etc.) and explodes if she can’t rearrange her life for a 30 year old man child.

Could it be that your brother is reacting to a change in plans and then what he sees as a further change, as he understood that by planning to travel, you also wanted to see him?

I'm probably not explaining this well, but I have noticed that our ASD son's expectations are very linear. It is not an issue to me to be flexible or think 'Oh, x didn't happen, so now I'll rethink y...' His mind doesn't work like that. There has to a direct line of logic, so that 'expecting sister, sister can't come' are connected without the intervening 'sister's visit depended on dad, so now sister is rethinking.' That intervening bit is what puts it in the social and emotional realm because it's about what you prefer (to use your time and your husband's time differently).

So yes, it all sounds a bit over the top and definitely from your relatives, but I don't think it is necessarily unreasonable from your brother in terms of being hard to comprehend.

I can definitely understand why my brother feels this way, I think it would make more sense if I felt able to be honest and tell him DH really doesn't like him, but that’s not really going to happen because it’s a dick move.

There are sadly consequences to actions which he has never really experienced for most of his life, my mum has recently tried to start getting him to understand that he can’t just moan people don’t want to spend time with him when he isn’t that enjoyable to spend time with. Which sounds awful, but at 30 it’s time I think for him to understand relationships are a two way street.

Caveating my response to say I hadn't read about him being violent. You would be completely reasonable to withdraw from the relationship on that basis.

Oh definitely, he struggles with the nuance of everyday human actions and decision making so I can fully understand why he is upset.

I have said as much to him, I can understand he feels like an after thought, I can see why he thinks the only reason I was coming was to see dad (because it was) my issue is with people who aren’t my brother agreeing I am the worst and expect me to apologize and make it up to him. And by making it up to him it will mean me going out of my way (as usual) to appease him.

Yes I agree, I can honestly understand why my brother felt hurt and wants to go NC. I just feel it’s a case where neither of us are wrong, but I’m being told I am the one who is wrong and he is the victim in this so wanted to see if I was really missing the mark

thank you for your perspective as it’s really helping me since my family are so intent on blame

Yeah it's a tough one. In your shoes I wouldn't bring DH into it either as you'll just find yourself in the middle and actually I think you have enough bad feeling towards your brother from your past, that you don't really need to hide behind DH's feelings even if they're particularly relevant on this occasion.

The justification for not seeing your brother isn't that it was a huge inconvenience, it's because you and your DH don't want to, which is why right now you look like that bad guys to the outside world. As I say, maybe now is your opportunity to have an open conversation with your brother saying without intending to hurt anyone, you realised that you didn't want to make the detour to see him because at the moment you don't feel a desire to see him for x,y and z reason. You love him but you need to see a,b,c changes in his behaviour before you'd feel comfortable in his company. Maybe see if you can work with your Mum to get the message across? If you pick up on what your mum's already said to him maybe it'll ring a bell

You would go NC with someone for cancelling lunch?

OP YANBU, I am well aware that ND people react to things differently but there is absolutely no excuse for someone being violent towards you or anyone else. I have an ex who used the excuse of ND as a reason for being violent and abusive and it has taken me years of therapy not to try and fix him or blame myself. This isn't your fault and if you want to go NC even if your brother does try and 'fix' things with you then give yourself permission to do that. You deserve a peaceful life.

No of course I wouldn't I'm not an idiot. But I'd go NC with a family member who showed me that I wasn't important and the only reason they were coming over was for someone else. The only thing I think OP has done wrong is plan to go there in the first place, she should have gone NC with him a long time ago.

Honestly who cares why he is upset? People in hell will want ice water—doesn’t mean they will get it.

The way I look at it you are extremely low contact, unofficially, with an unpleasant and frequently explosively violent and selfish relative. Everyone in your family controls the relationship differently—your father fled the country, your mother holds the bag, you just avoid as much as you can.

Your parents are upset that you have had a moment of truth, an emperor has no clothes moment. But it was inevitable really. You just had a baby! Your DH doesn’t like your brother for very good reason. You are realizing that while your family sacrificed your childhood on the altar of your brother’s moods you are not willing to sacrifice your child or dh to satisfy or placate him.

If you expect your parents to prioritize your child or dh or your safety or mental health: forget it. Your brother is the key patient/main concern. Your parents will insist you fall back into line and serve his needs.

Yanbu.