Page 8 | To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/05/2024 19:39

Trainbother · 02/05/2024 08:58

I'm afraid I'm always a bit wary of men who have terrible exes but "cant" afford to do what's needed to protect their children. As PP said court costs are £300.

Can you really accept a situation where it's not possible to do whatever it tales to get the children away from this, for the sake of a few hundred pounds?

I'm not saying it's not a terrible situation to be in, it must be awful for everyone, but to give up? Will he give up on your children when they need him most?

This.

Tired old excuse about not being able to afford a solicitor because you don't actually need one. If you can't afford £232 how can you afford another child?

The court fee is waived completely if you're low income.

Red flags everywhere here.

Haffiana · 03/05/2024 19:40

Missingpop · 03/05/2024 19:25

Your being failed by social services, Fuck her being a sodding warrior over coming addiction the social worker is there to protect the best interests of those little boys; seeing their mother pissed out of her brain isn’t in their best interests; it’s damaging them; it’s not safe for them to be in a home with her in her alcohol induced state what if the house goes up in flames? Is the old soak going to be in a fit state to guide to sleepy boys out of the home safely? Is she going to be able to call emergency services. Go higher than the social worker go to her manager & explain their not doing their job in the best interests of these two little boys; get your husband to speak to the school to find out how they’re doing in school; are they arriving on time, have they eaten; are they clean etc get information from after school clubs; does mum pick the up pissed do they walk home alone - is he happy for his kids to do this given their young age; then go in & smack SS with this information & make sure you can evidence the boys were settled with you clean; fed, at school on time; had slept a full night etc. I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys. You can then have the immense pleasure of phoning her up & telling exactly what you think of her & tell her to Fuck Right Off 😂😂😂😂

I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys.

You would consult a solicitor. I would consult a solicitor. Any fucking halfway decent human being would consult a solicitor and ensure the children access to a loving home. Just not the 'father' of these two boys, oh no, not at all in 8 long years. All he can manage is to have another baby.

NotAgainWilson · 03/05/2024 20:10

Hotchocolateand5marshmellows · 02/05/2024 21:16

Maybe but I'm not sure how fast you can get to court either without a solicitor as even with one they had to go to mediation first to prove it hadn't worked before they were even given a court date. I really don't think it's as cheap/easy as some people think.

In op's situation I'd call social services if I was really worried about the children and the mum being an alcoholic.

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Agree, not really that cheap if you are dealing with an ex who is doing their utmost to screw you up and can afford a long legal battle.

My bill was well over 3k, one of my friends spent over 50k and was unsuccessful… just to get full residence a few years later when her exh sent their child to hospital with broken bones. Until then, he was seen as a fit parent by CAFCASS, Social Services and the courts despite constant “accidents” when the child was with him.

Another friend did self represent, but not knowing how courts work, didn’t do so well against a bully ex armed with a proper solicitor.

Beezknees · 03/05/2024 20:12

NotAgainWilson · 03/05/2024 20:10

Agree, not really that cheap if you are dealing with an ex who is doing their utmost to screw you up and can afford a long legal battle.

My bill was well over 3k, one of my friends spent over 50k and was unsuccessful… just to get full residence a few years later when her exh sent their child to hospital with broken bones. Until then, he was seen as a fit parent by CAFCASS, Social Services and the courts despite constant “accidents” when the child was with him.

Another friend did self represent, but not knowing how courts work, didn’t do so well against a bully ex armed with a proper solicitor.

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If they can afford another child, they can afford a solicitor.

NotAgainWilson · 03/05/2024 20:22

Beezknees · 03/05/2024 20:12

If they can afford another child, they can afford a solicitor.

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Frankly, I am off the idea that parents who have no contact with his children are parents who didn’t try enough. But as I said, you need to play a long game and it will be horrendous, not the sort of stress a pregnant woman should be getting on. Hence why I suggested the Op to let her husband to it and keep a record of incidents. The records I had was what saved me from spending £10,000s in that battle.

But saying that can be done for £300 court fees? Ha, only if both parts agree on the first court hearing. Considering how pissed of the exW is, the drunkness and erratic that is unlikely to happen. That will lead to months and months of CAFCAS involvement, children advocates, etc.

pollymere · 03/05/2024 20:31

I would call your local Safeguarding Team helpline and say you're are concerned about the safety of the children due to her heavy drinking. Is she driving them to school for example? She's unlikely to be sober. Safeguarding will kick SS into gear.

PotatoLove · 03/05/2024 20:32

Record and document everything. You can download an App that automatically records any calls you receive. Report to SS if alcohol is being abused again. Dealing with a narcissist is horrible, they crave attention. Try to ignore as best you can, especially as you're pregnant. Good luck ❤

OldPerson · 03/05/2024 20:34

Time to put boundaries and structure in place, instead of a lot of people mouthing off and being hysterical.

Seriosuly, what would it achieve to tell her to "fuck off". Would it make you feel big and grown up?

So obviously current reactions, drama and hitting out are not working.

Will her two sons feel better if you demonise her?

So work out:

What is the current situation regarding her two sons? If they have to live with her, what support can you offer to them? How do you make them also feel part of your family, and that you're there, if they need you?
You're pregnant. What do you need for a healthy pregnancy? What do you need to do to protect your baby's future childhood from all this screaming and shouting and malice?
Work out the small things. Like "safe space". If the boys visit, keep comments about mum out of it. On special occasions (don't waste your time on what day Christmas is. It works equally well on the 26th, 27th 28th of December) - build your own fun traditions. Easter egg hunts. Birthday routines. You don't need to own the calendar date - you just need the fun of your own family traditions to celebrate an occasion.
Put as much emotional distance as you can between your family and angry ex. But you can only do that, if you step back, realise she's petty and angry, and make better choices.
If you keep being weighed down by anger and wanting to hit back, you're an immature person. And you're all going to drag each other down to the lowest standards. And your DC will suffer from it.

Thalia31 · 03/05/2024 20:46

jdh877 · 30/04/2024 21:49

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

What Solicitor told you this? Your husband isn't legally obliged to pay maintenance if he is the sole parent. They couldn't deduct it from his wages without taking him to court in front of a judge. You're unlikely to ever see that money again.

Giraffesandyellowroses · 03/05/2024 21:06

OldPerson · 03/05/2024 20:34

Time to put boundaries and structure in place, instead of a lot of people mouthing off and being hysterical.

Seriosuly, what would it achieve to tell her to "fuck off". Would it make you feel big and grown up?

So obviously current reactions, drama and hitting out are not working.

Will her two sons feel better if you demonise her?

So work out:

What is the current situation regarding her two sons? If they have to live with her, what support can you offer to them? How do you make them also feel part of your family, and that you're there, if they need you?
You're pregnant. What do you need for a healthy pregnancy? What do you need to do to protect your baby's future childhood from all this screaming and shouting and malice?
Work out the small things. Like "safe space". If the boys visit, keep comments about mum out of it. On special occasions (don't waste your time on what day Christmas is. It works equally well on the 26th, 27th 28th of December) - build your own fun traditions. Easter egg hunts. Birthday routines. You don't need to own the calendar date - you just need the fun of your own family traditions to celebrate an occasion.
Put as much emotional distance as you can between your family and angry ex. But you can only do that, if you step back, realise she's petty and angry, and make better choices.
If you keep being weighed down by anger and wanting to hit back, you're an immature person. And you're all going to drag each other down to the lowest standards. And your DC will suffer from it.

Excellent advice 👏

babycandy · 04/05/2024 05:35

First things first, congratulations!

Keep reporting everything to the police. Highlight that her behaviour towards your husband is deemed as domestic abuse. It absolutely is domestic abuse.

Please also tell the police that you let pregnant and in a state of vulnerability due to this, and that her threat of violence towards you and the kids is very real.

When contacting social work… tell them that you’re deeply concerned about her behaviour when she has the kids. Her frame of mind is dangerous and that is so harmful for the kids to be around.

If she is drunk and threatening you guys then you can bet your bottom dollar she’s saying all sorts in front of the kids… again this is domestic abuse.

It might be worth suggesting that the kids attend Cedar Programme with Women’s Aid. This is for kids that experience or have experienced domestic abuse.

Do not just put up with this, and do not react to her. Both the police and social work have a duty of care here to both you, your partner, all of the kids involved including your unborn child, and to the her as well.

Sending my love… keep pushing for help and support here because none of this is acceptable x

Dollenganger333 · 04/05/2024 05:47

If I were you, I would stop her from having your telephone numbers and make her communicate with the two of you via a coparenting app. It keeps the focus on the day to day of the children and it doesn't allow abusive messages to be sent.

She doesn't have the right to call you if she's going to use it to be nasty.

AmIEnough · 04/05/2024 06:59

Definitely contact SS again and also report and send a copy of the call to the police in case this escalates. Congrats by the way, I wish you all the best with your pregnancy

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 07:51

Missingpop · 03/05/2024 19:25

Your being failed by social services, Fuck her being a sodding warrior over coming addiction the social worker is there to protect the best interests of those little boys; seeing their mother pissed out of her brain isn’t in their best interests; it’s damaging them; it’s not safe for them to be in a home with her in her alcohol induced state what if the house goes up in flames? Is the old soak going to be in a fit state to guide to sleepy boys out of the home safely? Is she going to be able to call emergency services. Go higher than the social worker go to her manager & explain their not doing their job in the best interests of these two little boys; get your husband to speak to the school to find out how they’re doing in school; are they arriving on time, have they eaten; are they clean etc get information from after school clubs; does mum pick the up pissed do they walk home alone - is he happy for his kids to do this given their young age; then go in & smack SS with this information & make sure you can evidence the boys were settled with you clean; fed, at school on time; had slept a full night etc. I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys. You can then have the immense pleasure of phoning her up & telling exactly what you think of her & tell her to Fuck Right Off 😂😂😂😂

Your joy at ruining somebody’s life (even more) literally made me feel sick.

You sound psychopathic; I have no other explanation for how little empathy you have with the Mum and the boys.

This is not about winning and completely annihilating the mother. She needs help not more of her life taken away by the OP.

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 07:53

babycandy · 04/05/2024 05:35

First things first, congratulations!

Keep reporting everything to the police. Highlight that her behaviour towards your husband is deemed as domestic abuse. It absolutely is domestic abuse.

Please also tell the police that you let pregnant and in a state of vulnerability due to this, and that her threat of violence towards you and the kids is very real.

When contacting social work… tell them that you’re deeply concerned about her behaviour when she has the kids. Her frame of mind is dangerous and that is so harmful for the kids to be around.

If she is drunk and threatening you guys then you can bet your bottom dollar she’s saying all sorts in front of the kids… again this is domestic abuse.

It might be worth suggesting that the kids attend Cedar Programme with Women’s Aid. This is for kids that experience or have experienced domestic abuse.

Do not just put up with this, and do not react to her. Both the police and social work have a duty of care here to both you, your partner, all of the kids involved including your unborn child, and to the her as well.

Sending my love… keep pushing for help and support here because none of this is acceptable x

It’s strange that fucking someone’s husband isn’t considered domestic abuse. Particularly when the wife is pregnant and in a state of vulnerability.

Bramblestarr · 04/05/2024 08:17

jdh877 · 30/04/2024 22:07

Thanks everyone. Boys are 7 and 10 so aware but still little really..

Yes will be back on to social worker tomorrow. Last time she said 'she's allowed to make mistakes' as long as she takes accountability and continues going to her classes 😳 so she's basically allowed to drown herself in several bottles of wine, hurl abuse at me and if I flag it they'll ask her where she's gone wrong and they let it slide. Weird imo. They did say if it becomes reoccurring they can look into it. Tonight is the worst it's ever been. Social worker very much sees her as a 'warrior' who's overcome her problems. Hats off to people successfully battling substance addiction it is something to be really proud of. But she's just fucking lying- and getting away with it. She is vile and I can't believe we're STILL here after 8 years.

Hi, SW here - if she's intoxicated and caring for the children at that time you need to ring police and social care / out of hours emergency duty tea

I would recommend keeping log of EVERYTHING. Write down , messages, comments people say has been said. You may need this in longer term

In terms of court, if mother is stating she is recovering from alcohol abuse,social care do not have powers to mediate and enforce this and make parents allow the other contact.
This ultimately becomes a private law matter. I note you said you can't afford court proceedings. However, are you aware you can request c100 form off the Internet and
Pay the fee (about 250 I think off top off my head) and represent yourself in court and. Children will be allocated a cafcass worker to seek their views. You would just need to be respectful of the court.

Also it may be worth contacting Harbour for yourself and yout your husband to gain support. Both children may also benefit from this

Definitely ring social care and discuss further

Hope this all makes sense.

GoldEagle · 04/05/2024 08:20

PassingStranger · 01/05/2024 14:08

Grow up how will swearing at her help?Keep calm and business like. Be better than that. Don't stoop that low.

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There speaks someone who has never had to deal with an alcoholic, they are lying, abusive, manipulating pos.

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 09:23

Bramblestarr · 04/05/2024 08:17

Hi, SW here - if she's intoxicated and caring for the children at that time you need to ring police and social care / out of hours emergency duty tea

I would recommend keeping log of EVERYTHING. Write down , messages, comments people say has been said. You may need this in longer term

In terms of court, if mother is stating she is recovering from alcohol abuse,social care do not have powers to mediate and enforce this and make parents allow the other contact.
This ultimately becomes a private law matter. I note you said you can't afford court proceedings. However, are you aware you can request c100 form off the Internet and
Pay the fee (about 250 I think off top off my head) and represent yourself in court and. Children will be allocated a cafcass worker to seek their views. You would just need to be respectful of the court.

Also it may be worth contacting Harbour for yourself and yout your husband to gain support. Both children may also benefit from this

Definitely ring social care and discuss further

Hope this all makes sense.

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Is there any support for the mum during this process? Perhaps OP can help her so it doesn’t need to actually reach court.

Beezknees · 04/05/2024 09:34

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 09:23

Is there any support for the mum during this process? Perhaps OP can help her so it doesn’t need to actually reach court.

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While I don't think OP is an innocent party, it's not her job to help an addict. The mother needs to want to help herself. At the moment, the children are in danger, so they should be removed until she can sort out her life. The mother's needs come second to the children, always.

EnglishBluebell · 04/05/2024 11:09

I'm 99% with you. She sounds horrible and abusive, completely agree. However you cannot begrudge her maintenance on the basis of her being horrible and because you didn't agree with her having main custody.
However with regards her appalling behaviour, I'm disgusted that the police haven't at least phoned her to warn her. I once made one perfectly civil phone call to my ex to let him know our DC was unwell and wasn't even rude - first time I'd contacted him since he left. Next thing I know, police are requesting I sign a Harassment Information Notice! This was 2016 though.

Suffice to say I refused to sign and made a formal complaint. But it shows the inconsistency between policies.

EnglishBluebell · 04/05/2024 11:13

@Beezknees I agree. OP begrudges maintenance for his existing DC but happy to drag another child into this mess

babycandy · 04/05/2024 11:29

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 07:53

It’s strange that fucking someone’s husband isn’t considered domestic abuse. Particularly when the wife is pregnant and in a state of vulnerability.

Edited

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Have I missed something? What are you talking about?

Dexterrolledoffthesofa · 04/05/2024 11:32

StormingNorman · 01/05/2024 21:15

50/50 this thread is getting deleted when OP realises she accidentally let the truth slip out 😂

Well, the OP hasn't been back so.....

StormingNorman · 04/05/2024 13:14

babycandy · 04/05/2024 11:29

Have I missed something? What are you talking about?

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OP is the OW. The wife’s husband was fucking OP while she was pregnant.

threatmatrix · 04/05/2024 13:30

Yet my son got arrested for sending hateful messages and was put in prison until they found it was all false. I’d go back to the police and say it’s stalking, harassment, and a threat to life and it’s affecting yours and partners mental health. I’d the phone social services anonymously and say you want a welfare check done on the children living at such and such address as you heard them screaming.