To tell my husbands ex to **** off?!

[jdh877]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short. Been with husband 8 years, married for 3. Already have a child together. He has 2 boys from previous relationship. Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys but things took a turn last year when services got involved as she was drinking again. Went from having the kids 80:20, to when social services said she was fit to parent again, she stopped my husband seeing them due to him 'taking them away from her'. She's only allowed him sporadic contact when it suits her. Just to clarify, they were removed as she was blind drunk choking on her vomit when the children came down for breakfast one morning. Social services have said she's fit to parent and need to make application to court. Can't afford a solicitor, or any of the fees due to all our savings being used for therapy for the boys and bridging the gap financially whilst they've been with us majority of the time. CMS took too long to investigate our claims so all this time my husband was still having to pay her maintenance, was warned if he didn't they would deduct from
Wages. Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Found out we're unexpectedly pregnant, despite all the shit show of the past year or so, we're delighted. We've experienced loss and infertility so this baby is super special to us.

Obviously we've told the boys, my husband FaceTimes them regularly (when she allows). They were super excited. But obviously now their mum knows...

So tonight I've had an unknown caller calling me a fat whore down the phone (lovely) slurring words obviously.

My husband has had an unknown call telling him that's he's going to pretend he has done unthinkable things to her, that she's going to make sure he ends up in jail, that if that doesn't work she's going to harm me and our children...

I'm genuinely fucking done... I just want to tell her to FUCK OFF. but she's genuinely unhinged and I know it'll turn into something and I haven't got it in me. What the fuck do I do. It was the same with my last baby. She ruined my pregnancy and I just majorly fucking cba. She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

Police not interested, said she's probably just upset from the news and not counted as harassment as didn't report all past instances. Said it's more of a civil issue but to ring if she turns up to the house. Feel like I'm being failed by everyone. Husband doesn't know what to do, he does everything right and she still comes back with something else.

Oh dear OP you should have left out the dates…

I feel very sorry for all the children involved in this. By the way, you’ve spent all your savings on therapy for them and one is only 7? Really?

Your husband needs to take charge and yes go to court if necessary. But, of course she hates you. Of course she wants to ruin your pregnancy. I would just lie low, you can’t ever fix what you did, stay out of the way. Support your husband to try and engage with her to get the best outcome for their children.

Lol though at ‘my husband does everything right and she still comes back with something else’ WELL I can think of one thing he could have done right, and then none of this would have happened, and that was not to have an affair and dump her while she was pregnant. The pair of you deserve each other 🤷‍♀️

However bad the mothers parenting was, your new baby is not ‘super special’. This baby is no more special or important than the two children your partner has already fathered.

No one chooses to be an alcoholic that can’t cope with their children, she just didn’t have the emotional resources to cope with the shit that was thrown at her by you and your husband. People who have been hurt often want to hurt back as a way to cope. You play with fire you deserve to get burned.

I’m sure ‘good pussy’ OP and the husband were the ones who had the children last time the ‘understandable and excusable’ drunk was found choking on her vomit.

Though he’s decided he cannot afford legal fees, I read the OP as they will gladly have the children back once SS removes them again.

Hopefully he will refuse to return them next time, then his ex will take him to court and he’ll be able to maintain custody. By then he’ll probably have to put the children through therapy again too. What a mess

Can’t afford £200-£300 to go to court? But can afford to go ahead with a pregnancy? Every decision this pair make is me, me, me.

Court costs are absolutely not £300

I don't know all the financial details but my relative took his ex to court because she used thier child as a pawn and he could only see him as and when she said so, so he wanted a more fair consistent schedule. It cost thousands and he could only afford it because his parents (the child's grandparents) lent him the money. To this day I don't know how the ex paid for her solicitor but they both had solicitors.

That's why it cost thousands, because he used a solicitor. If you self represent, which many do, you only have to pay the £232 court fee.

She ruined my pregnancy

By the sounds of it you ruined hers too.

Ex is a horrible piece of work, alcoholic, narcissist, threatened me since day dot. We've always tried to keep things nice for the boys

I'm not someone who thinks affairs are black and white and I don't automatically think that those who cheat are evil but I can understand her threats to you and if by 'keeping things nice for the boys' you mean he was taking his toddler and baby to be around you straight away and acting like you two were the mature, responsible ones and she was the unreasonable one then you both behaved like assholes and that would have been incredibly provocative and inflammatory.

Overall, horrible, horrible woman. Horrible horrible situation. Poor kids.

Sounds like you had a major part to play in causing the horrible situation.

She is the worst person I've ever met. And she's never going away. It's never going to stop.

It seems the feeling is mutual! She feels about you the way you feel about her.

Obviously she can't be threatening you and your kids and her own kids need to be looked after but you really need to reflect on your own behaviour and lose the superior attitude and understand that this is a traumatised woman and you are not blameless. Even if you get custody and the kids grow up thinking you and your partner are the better parents....one day they'll realise that you and your husband both had a part to play in their massively damaged childhood.

Maybe but I'm not sure how fast you can get to court either without a solicitor as even with one they had to go to mediation first to prove it hadn't worked before they were even given a court date. I really don't think it's as cheap/easy as some people think.

In op's situation I'd call social services if I was really worried about the children and the mum being an alcoholic.

I'd be ringing the police to say she's an alcoholic wo's drunk in charge of kids and ask for a welfare check on them.

She plays games because DH has always stuck to the rules to keep her sweet. She won't expect you to play hard ball too.

DH got the blame for 'taking the kids off her' last time anyway, so whatever happens will be his fault. Might as well do the right thing and make sure they're ok.

She’s not fit to parent - she’s abusive and it’s not acceptable- is she being monitored by social services? Contact NSPCC for advice. The damage that woman is doing to her children is ten fold. Look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - I’m one of them. Being drunk is one thing but the abuse is her as a person.
Poor kids - do the see the Dad regularly or is she still punishing him.
Are the around other health people - let’s bloody hope so. 🌺

It's cheaper than a new baby.

It is easy to go to the family court without a solicitor (I’ve had the misfortune of being dragged unfairly through the family court system for 10 years, so I know what I’m talking about), you don’t actually have to engage in mediation if one or both parties tell the mediator there has been abusive behaviour then they will give you a statement saying you are not suitable for mediation . Then you are free to go ahead and make the application to the courts. This would be the way to get regular access sorted, social se vices are unlikely to intervene in this.
I will say that if the other party seems to mysteriously have the funds for a solicitor, it may be that they got legal aid, it’s very difficult to get this these days. You essentially have to be living in poverty and also have a background of proven domestic abuse so it’s possible there’s a lot more to that story than you are aware of

Since when is legal aid available like that??? What nonsense is that???

To start with, it can be extremely difficult to prove is a child protection case but even if it was, do you think so many divorced parents would be spending £10,000s in legal fees to protect their kids if they could get legal aid? The threahold for it is so low you won’t qualify even if you are struggling to pay your rent, and if you do, it is not that you have a solicitor to use at leisure, the time they give you is very very limited as well.

Agree to call the police for a welfare check on the children every time she calls either of you drunk. Record everything and start logging it with police, it is harassement and sorry people aren’t helping the more kids.

You've been together 8 years.

His youngest child with her is 7.

How does that work then?

If anything the mum was abusive but I'm not getting into all the details on here, not the point of the thread anyway.

Social services have been involved with these children before, the op believes the mum is drinking on a regular basis and thier dad isn't seeing them in person. At 7 and 10 I wouldn't be messing around trying to get a court date I'd be asking someone to look up the history and go check on my kids.

If this is real/accurate I'll eat my hat

Troll hunting is against the rules. If you don't like it then don't use the site.

Reported.

Completely agree the picture the OP paints sounds like an urgent situation, they could do both though couldn’t they. Social services are 1. overstretched and very dysfunctional and 2. will never replace the involvement of a stable parent over the long run. so I would say doing both both are equally a priority.
a police welfare check is the way to get a safe adult into the house while it’s happening, they would then refer on to SS who may well do nothing and advise the father to go to court. The system is very broken

Yeah, that excuse doesn’t fly at all. Hopefully OP is busy telling him to sort that shit out, though at this point I’d just not return them if she’s on the bottle again. Poor children ☹️.

Pathetic. Reported, Miss!

Get a restraining order, barring her from contacting you. Don't get angry with her, it will cause you stress and effect your pregnancy. I know this easier said than done, but just try to remember she is is someone in the grips of a disease.

Where have you gone OP?

People are asking you questions.

It seems since you mistakenly (I take it) disclosed his youngest with his ex is only 7, and you've been together for 8 years, you are 50% responsible for the break up of their marriage.

Why can't you take responsibility for that?

Did the ex have a drink problem before your affair?
Or did he leave her because she had a drink problem?

You need to tell people who keep asking you.

And your priority is those children.
You and your DH should be doing all you can to protect them whilst their mum gets the help she needs.

Your being failed by social services, Fuck her being a sodding warrior over coming addiction the social worker is there to protect the best interests of those little boys; seeing their mother pissed out of her brain isn’t in their best interests; it’s damaging them; it’s not safe for them to be in a home with her in her alcohol induced state what if the house goes up in flames? Is the old soak going to be in a fit state to guide to sleepy boys out of the home safely? Is she going to be able to call emergency services. Go higher than the social worker go to her manager & explain their not doing their job in the best interests of these two little boys; get your husband to speak to the school to find out how they’re doing in school; are they arriving on time, have they eaten; are they clean etc get information from after school clubs; does mum pick the up pissed do they walk home alone - is he happy for his kids to do this given their young age; then go in & smack SS with this information & make sure you can evidence the boys were settled with you clean; fed, at school on time; had slept a full night etc. I’d also then consult a solicitor & go for full custody of them yes you’ve got a little on & another on the way, but these two little boys need a loving safe stable home & maybe it’s time dad fought like a lion for his boys. You can then have the immense pleasure of phoning her up & telling exactly what you think of her & tell her to Fuck Right Off 😂😂😂😂

That kind of toxic attitude isn't in the boys best interests either.
Better yes but best? absolutely not.
And as for it being a loving, stable home, again better yes but probably not the home the boys deserve.

Sounds like the mother was destroyed by the affair, OP has no self awareness and is a hypocrite complaining about her pregnancy being ruined when she ruined the OPs also and risked harm to the children.

Getting them out of the mothers home isn't the end of the road....they will then have the long term impact of what has happened and the long term impact of being taken from their mothers home and the fact she became an unfit mother and couldn't raise them.

You'd actually think it was ok to destroy a mother with an affair, then get custody of her kids and then phone her up to laugh and tell her to fuck right off. That's nasty, cruel and evil.

I'd say there is a lot more to this story if social services think the boy is best placed with his mum rather than their dad.