Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask DH to come home immediately from business trip?

289 replies

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:02

So I have an unknown bowel condition, waiting for exploratory surgery to find cause.

my symptoms are basically pain huge swelling, fatigue and so much mucous (sorry tmi)

ive had every test in the book all fine. Except when I’ve had extreme pain to the Point of vomiting I’ve had bloods that have shown high inflammation markers, and random stool tests that have shown high calprotectin.

hubs is working away, I’ve got the dcs who are preschool age and toddler, im working but I’m having a massive flare up and I’ve been sick from the pain. I can’t take any codeine due to an allergy and the usuals don’t touch the sides. Genuinely concerned I can’t manage the kids. I can’t really stand up straight, my mind is a mess (due to being in pain), can’t take the slightest touch on my tummy.

no family or friends that can/ will help. It’s not unreasonable to ask him to come home is it?

OP posts:
ElderMillenials · 30/04/2024 15:46

If there are no flights until tomorrow when he's due back anyway what would you like to happen, be clear on what you need from him. Eg no flights but a train would get him home tonight so get on it.

It's hard being incapacitated with small dc, completely appreciate that. It would be worth the two of you coming up with a plan for it it happens again. Is there genuinely no one at all who would help out? Neighbour, friend, acquaintance... anyone who would watch them for a couple of hours or sit with them while they sleep so you can be seen.

When my dh was blue lighted to hospital our neighbour came and sat with the dc who were already in bed and a friend watched them while I visited during his stay. Before that I'd have said we had no one to help out and still wouldn't ask them to take dc anytime but in an emergency they'll help us out.

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:48

Cannot believe how strongly this thread leans towards martyrdom. Which husband in the entire world wouldn’t inform his wife and ask her to come home in this situation?

What if the OP died - would The Man still be too important to be disturbed in his Important Work? If she collapses from pain or worse? Who looks after the Great Man’s children then?

@Sosomuchpain did you and your husband include the words “in sickness and in health” in your wedding vows? This is sickness. You need him at home to look after his children and support you.

Presumably you’ve been investigated for both fibroids and endometriosis? They can each have all the symptoms you describe, and typically takes years to be diagnosed.

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:50

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:48

Cannot believe how strongly this thread leans towards martyrdom. Which husband in the entire world wouldn’t inform his wife and ask her to come home in this situation?

What if the OP died - would The Man still be too important to be disturbed in his Important Work? If she collapses from pain or worse? Who looks after the Great Man’s children then?

@Sosomuchpain did you and your husband include the words “in sickness and in health” in your wedding vows? This is sickness. You need him at home to look after his children and support you.

Presumably you’ve been investigated for both fibroids and endometriosis? They can each have all the symptoms you describe, and typically takes years to be diagnosed.

I went to a gynae because whilst the swelling feels gastro there’s a lot in that area for women. I had a scan and hsg and an internal exam and nothing was indicative of endo or fibroids.

period wise, they are more on their regular side but they aren’t especially painful in fact I never really get cramps they aren’t heavy either, the first day is quite heavy but after that very light

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:51

ElderMillenials · 30/04/2024 15:46

If there are no flights until tomorrow when he's due back anyway what would you like to happen, be clear on what you need from him. Eg no flights but a train would get him home tonight so get on it.

It's hard being incapacitated with small dc, completely appreciate that. It would be worth the two of you coming up with a plan for it it happens again. Is there genuinely no one at all who would help out? Neighbour, friend, acquaintance... anyone who would watch them for a couple of hours or sit with them while they sleep so you can be seen.

When my dh was blue lighted to hospital our neighbour came and sat with the dc who were already in bed and a friend watched them while I visited during his stay. Before that I'd have said we had no one to help out and still wouldn't ask them to take dc anytime but in an emergency they'll help us out.

Sadly I found out before, a lot of people I know are good time friends, not actual friends no one you can actually count on

OP posts:
TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:53

But going forward you do need to do something about the ‘no family or friends’ situation. With small children you’re likely to need help at short notice for all sorts of reasons at one time or another.

Hope the condition eases soon (and that you get appropriate treatment).

Winningatpatriachychicken · 30/04/2024 15:53

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Hi Rishi! Flowers

Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 15:54

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:42

Yup and intestinal biopsies taken and all normal

Show quote history

I had a colonoscopy that showed nothing, it wasn't until I had a specialist gastroenterology doing a SIG procedure that he found the diverticula and the adhesions. I got to see the specialist because I kept going to the GP taking ( warning tmi to follow) jar jars full of what was exiting my bowel so they could actually see what I was talking about ( tip from a GP I saw when struck down on holiday).

MindatWork · 30/04/2024 15:54

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:50

I went to a gynae because whilst the swelling feels gastro there’s a lot in that area for women. I had a scan and hsg and an internal exam and nothing was indicative of endo or fibroids.

period wise, they are more on their regular side but they aren’t especially painful in fact I never really get cramps they aren’t heavy either, the first day is quite heavy but after that very light

Show quote history

Just in reply to this OP, emdometriosis can’t be diagnosed by a simple scan as the adhesions don’t show up. It needs a diagnostic laparoscopy where they actually go in with a camera and see what’s going on.

I’d recommend pushing for diagnostic surgery. Make a list of your symptoms and lean heavily on how they impact on you being able to carry out basic tasks like caring for your children and working. Sorry I know that doesn’t help for now but might help for the future x

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:56

Good advice from @MindatWork.

Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:58

MindatWork · 30/04/2024 15:54

Just in reply to this OP, emdometriosis can’t be diagnosed by a simple scan as the adhesions don’t show up. It needs a diagnostic laparoscopy where they actually go in with a camera and see what’s going on.

I’d recommend pushing for diagnostic surgery. Make a list of your symptoms and lean heavily on how they impact on you being able to carry out basic tasks like caring for your children and working. Sorry I know that doesn’t help for now but might help for the future x

Show quote history

I did push the gynae for it and the response was that you’re not clinically indicative of endo so we don’t have the basis for the surgery but I saw a gastro and I broke down in tears on my quality of life.

some times when it’s been bad, I’ve had to stop eating and drinking, only water for days. It is just no way to live

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:59

Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 15:54

I had a colonoscopy that showed nothing, it wasn't until I had a specialist gastroenterology doing a SIG procedure that he found the diverticula and the adhesions. I got to see the specialist because I kept going to the GP taking ( warning tmi to follow) jar jars full of what was exiting my bowel so they could actually see what I was talking about ( tip from a GP I saw when struck down on holiday).

Show quote history

This is interesting!

ill suck it up and pay private and ask for this!

screenshotting

sorry tmi, but what was it exiting? Was it lots of mucous ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 16:01

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:53

But going forward you do need to do something about the ‘no family or friends’ situation. With small children you’re likely to need help at short notice for all sorts of reasons at one time or another.

Hope the condition eases soon (and that you get appropriate treatment).

my in laws live close but they wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire, they’d help DH but not me.

i learned the hard way after losing my parents that good people are hard to come by. I’d say 90% of my circle stopped speaking to me

OP posts:
WolfFoxHare · 30/04/2024 16:01

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Are you seriously suggesting that wrangling two children under four and typing on a phone are comparable?

Elsewhere123 · 30/04/2024 16:03

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:59

This is interesting!

ill suck it up and pay private and ask for this!

screenshotting

sorry tmi, but what was it exiting? Was it lots of mucous ?

Show quote history

Mucous and blood. Sincerely hope you can get some help.

WolfFoxHare · 30/04/2024 16:06

Being cynical here but I bet if you told a GP your husband is having to miss work to support you, and you can’t have sex, they’d be far more likely to investigate. Women’s pain is often minimised by medical professionals but god forbid it should negatively affect a man.

softslicedwhite · 30/04/2024 16:08

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 15:53

But going forward you do need to do something about the ‘no family or friends’ situation. With small children you’re likely to need help at short notice for all sorts of reasons at one time or another.

Hope the condition eases soon (and that you get appropriate treatment).

Do what exactly? I see this on here so often. Some people just don't have that support. Because their friends and loved ones are abroad or dead or they're estranged from them. Or they have siblings at opposite ends of the country. Or they had to move away for work.

You can't just build a network from nothing. It takes years. You sometimes have to work with what you have. OP in this situation I'd try and get hold of DH asap.

ItDoesntHaveToBeDave · 30/04/2024 16:10

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 16:01

my in laws live close but they wouldn’t pee on me if I was on fire, they’d help DH but not me.

i learned the hard way after losing my parents that good people are hard to come by. I’d say 90% of my circle stopped speaking to me

Show quote history

But they would be helping your H if they took the kids 🤔 and they'd be helping their grandchildren too.
So can he sort it?

TheOriginalFrench · 30/04/2024 16:10

some times when it’s been bad, I’ve had to stop eating and drinking, only water for days. It is just no way to live

It’s inconceivable that you’ve been suffering like this for 7 years, @Sosomuchpain You have all my empathy - wasn’t it just yesterday there was another article in a national newspaper about how women in pain are dismissed?

And (sad to say) I also completely understand the thing with finding your friends are not your friends when you’re in need …

Get treatment, come back stronger, find new people …

By the way - importantly - what would your husband want you to do here? Is he actually on your side?

MindatWork · 30/04/2024 16:11

Sosomuchpain · 30/04/2024 15:58

I did push the gynae for it and the response was that you’re not clinically indicative of endo so we don’t have the basis for the surgery but I saw a gastro and I broke down in tears on my quality of life.

some times when it’s been bad, I’ve had to stop eating and drinking, only water for days. It is just no way to live

Show quote history

That’s awful OP, I’m so sorry you’ve been so let down 😩😩😩

peaches19 · 30/04/2024 16:12

Re the grumbling appendix, I know someone who had these flare ups for years and had very similar symptoms re the pain and vomiting (not sure about the mucous). By the time they operated the appendix was very inflamed. It might not be that of course but it didn't show on scans etc.

Fairysteps11 · 30/04/2024 16:14

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

What even is this reply?! There is zero point in commenting. Stop wasting your time and op time.

Op, if you're feeling so bad, get him home. When a parent can't do their share, the other must pick it up. Work or no work. I hope you feel better soon.

dragonscannotswim · 30/04/2024 16:15

OhHelloMiss · 30/04/2024 15:11

You are able to pick up your phone to mumsnet though

When is he actually due back?

Oh, piss off. It's totally different posting on MN from a couch than it is wrangling two DC, one of whom is a toddler!! Can't you see that??

softslicedwhite · 30/04/2024 16:17

OP could also be gallbladder, some of your symptoms sound similar to mine, post natal stuff fits too. It took me years to be taken seriously when I was actually really sick. None of this is your fault and you deserve better care, and yes DH needs to put his big boy boots and put you first.

DeadbeatYoda · 30/04/2024 16:19

@Sosomuchpain

Because there is a slight difference between in essence texting, and picking up a 13kg 18 month old into the back of a suv, and same with a 4 year old, bending down getting them changed etc, it’s subtle but it’s there

At least you still have your sense of humour 😆. Yes, in answer to your question, you probably should ask him to come home. You've no idea how long this will last and how bad it might get. For your kids' sake as well as your own, he should come home. Keep chasing for proper diagnosis. Don't take no for an answer. All the best.

DeadbeatYoda · 30/04/2024 16:22

Call a babysitting agency. Tell them your situation and see if they can find care for your children during waking hours until hubby is home.