Am I off my head to think I can work full time with a very young family???

[watermelonfizz]

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

I work full time with small children and it is really hard, but it's absolutely no one else's business. You do you.

Also, no one ever reacts with shock and horror when Dad's go back to work full time when their babies are two weeks old....

Mothers get judged for working full time, for working part time, and for staying at home with their children. We can’t win.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into what will work best for your family, so go ahead with confidence and don’t let other people derail you.

Of course you can. Do people say that to your DH?

tell them your dp has decided to be a SAHD. Watch their heads explode.

you’d think we were past all the women stay at home shit wouldn’t you.

my bro and his wife were both teachers. They used to go travelling for the entire summer holidays, like you say no holiday clubs needed.

I would say holidays off when you can relax and do fun stuff are a much better alternative to the extra hour a day after school, when you’re stressed trying to cook dinner, get housework done and get the kids to bed treadmill.

I work full time and have two under 6, it's easily doable, especially when you have help which you have more of than most.
I wouldn't care what people think, it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you and your DH.

I worked full time from when my son was nine months old and am just about to go on maternity leave. I'll go back full time again when this one is nine months. No need to feel guilty about it! :)

Would it help to reframe it as a now decision than a forever decision. Maybe in three years it'll be the case you want to work less but for now this works for all of you.

Also part time isn't always perfect. Many part time workers struggle too. In reality it's hard to have it all. I'm sure people don't mean to do this but in practice there is so much guilt and second guessing with working and raising kids that judgement spills.forth. often from people who regret or passionately love the choice they made. Those who are broadly happy just seem to nod and move on

It doesn't feel like your children will be missing out. They will be with family and still have some early years provision. That sounds a lovely blend to me. If you were working solidly through the year I'd say you might miss some.non scheduled down time with the children but you'll get that in holidays. I suspect if you were talking to people that have less 'holiday' theyd be really envious of all your time with the children (absolutely not trying to start a debate about teachers workload and holidays that aren't holidays just noting that it's a very different working pattern from your 28 days annual leave type roles)

You are not a bad mum for working any amount when you've considered how to make it all work for those affected.

Ignore what others might think of you.
Do what's right for you and your family, both financially and your own sanity. Personally I couldn't be a sahm. I would go mad with boredom. In the flip side I am stressed a lot and I have to juggle everything daily. I am pleased that I'll get a great pension and I'm building experience should I wish to change jobs. Being financially independent is really important to me

Mothers get judged whatever they do. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Do whatever works for you and your family. If your children have two engaged and loving parents who care about their wellbeing, they're already ahead of the game. They will be fine.

If you decide at a later date that it isn't working out, you can reevaluate.

Never had this said to me and I went back full time. People are just nosey fuckers.

I was full time until my third- judged when I worked, judged when I left to become a sahm then when I went back to work a few years ago the SAME PEOPLE said ‘god the kids will find it very tough now being collected from school by strangers, won’t they?’ You will never be able to win! And teaching is such a vocation anyway, if you’re up for the challenge go and enjoy it!!

That sounds like a brilliant solution - you get to continue in a fulfilling career you evidently love and are good at, while your children spend time with family and are socialised by time with their peers. It's a mad juggle with drop offs and pick ups and remembering the right things for the right days and the curveball when one of them is ill, but you will have all that holiday time with them. You do you.

Well you don't need to worry about school runs for another 18 months at least.

As long as your parents are able to cope with 2 GC rather than one 3 days a week )that's a lot if they are getting on a bit).

You can always change your plans in a year or two if you need to.

If you’ve got GP assistance it’s easy. If you haven’t it’s almost impossible unless you have a lot of spare cash to pay people to do stuff for you.

@watermelonfizz I say good for you. You worked hard to get where you are. Yes it will be hard but I’d definitely want to give it a try before choosing a different role. As you say, you won’t have to worry about holiday cover AND you are modelling good behaviours for your kids. Everyone is different. I suspect some of those telling you not to IRL are a little jealous perhaps 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wowww thank you everyone for your replies! I really thought that I would get a load of judgement but instead you have all been so encouraging.

a conversation I had with my headteacher when I took my baby in for a visit 2 weeks ago….

headteacher: I’m unsure where you’re going to be in September. I’m not sure you could commit to a full time teaching role with a baby and toddler at home

me: why’s that?

headteacher: well all the marking, planning, meetings, and so on

me: I’ve been doing this for 13 years

headteacher: yes but I think part time would suit your lifestyle better now

me: i disagree

headteacher: I think you need to go part time, you can’t be fully committed to your career and be a good parent

me: if I was a man would you be saying this?

headteacher: …… 😳

Like most of you have said, I am trying to think what works best for my family. My friend is a midwife and worked 3 12 hour shifts, she doesn’t see her children at all on those days and misses bedtime, but gets to do the school drop offs 2 days a week. However she was in work on Christmas day and didn’t see her children open their presents? Yet she’s one of the people making me feel guilty?

Most people get 5 weeks holiday you can an extra 8 weeks. This is 40 more days. Given that you are only in work 39 weeks. It's like working a 4 day week. Also many days of the week you will be finished by 4pm (not everyday and you will have to do some evening work but you can still do stuff after school). It's not like you're working 6:00 a.m. to 7pm 47 weeks of the year.

That conversation is outrageous and I would personally put in writing that you felt discriminated against on the basis of sex. I am so cross on your behalf.
i work FT with 3 kids and it is tiring, but completely doable. I have a great husband and can afford a cleaner.
The cash I earn goes a long way towards activities for the kids, holidays and the trainers they care about as pre-teens. My career has also thrived.
don’t let anyone get to you

That’s appalling. No wonder you feel judged. Yes it can be hard and I can see why plenty of families have someone going part time, but it’s manageable either way, you have great family support (this can make all the difference) and you want to. I was going to ask if your HT is male or female, has kids or doesn’t have kids, but actually it’s totally irrelevant and either way, they’re completely incorrect and out of line to say this sort of thing.

Sounds like you have solid childcare in place. Too much criticism for working mothers, it’s your business and no one else’s.

Headteacher was miffed at me a few times last year. My toddler was poorly and I had two days off to be at home with him (which I am fully entitled to and be paid for as well) also I said I couldn’t commit to breakfast clubs at 8am as that’s when I’m dropping ds off at nursery. He said could I get someone else to do it? I said no and that was the end of that. I’m very good at saying no to things which are too much for me or which I know have to do and he doesn’t like it. Not saying I won’t go above and beyond because I absolutely will, I have ran after school activities, stayed for summer fairs, discos, etc, but I make it clear my child comes first before I commit to extra things at school. This doesn’t go down well with those teachers who are quite literally married to their job but I see that as their problem

Oh and I forgot to say my kids are thriving. We’re a very happy family and I spend loads of time with them

I wouldn't judge you at all but I would feel sorry for you - simply because I'd hate to do it myself! I would burn out and be exhausted. Maybe that's just me though. Everyone's different in terms of energy/stamina levels and how much their brains can cope with. I found having a baby and toddler really grueling and couldn't have coped with an intense full time job like teaching. If you can cope and want to do it then go for it.

What shocking remarks from the headteacher.

I see FT working as the norm, to be honest, and certainly not anything unusual. With grandparents doing childcare 3 days a week and the school holidays off, you’re in a really good position.

My only tips would be to make sure you have a back up plan in case anyone is ill, and think about getting a cleaner if you can afford it.

Ignore this. My mother was a teacher and worked FT in the 80s. I work FT. My kids are now almost 8 and 13. Yes it’s a juggle, yes I am tired but I love my career. As an academic I have more flexible hours than you but my summer while ‘off’ is research time. And no one has ever asked my DH these questions. Go for it and ignore the comments.

My mother’s top tip to me as a working parent which I am passing on is this. Do NOT plan quality time. Kids just need you. They don’t need special activities. So when you are home, just be there, read, play and do your thing. If you plan special things all the time then they will expect entertainment and when things don’t go to plan you will feel more guilty and frustrated. So on Sundays eg we don’t plan much. We do chores- the kids chip in. Watch a movie, go for a walk. Set up everything for the week. Kids finish their homework while DH and I batch cook. (this is all more intense obviously with a baby and toddler). But don’t feel that because you work you need every minute you spend with the kids to be somehow magical.