Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I off my head to think I can work full time with a very young family???

155 replies

watermelonfizz · 30/04/2024 10:18

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 30/04/2024 19:18

I had no idea that working moms were judged as being selfish until I had my first and returned to work. In my case, I had to work, we could not live on my husband's salary only. We ended up having three kids and I returned to work each time. Whether you work because you have to or because you want to, it is absolutely nobody's business but yours.

Can you work full time and still be an amazing mother ... yes, you can!!!! You are a woman, remember! We can do anything!

DinosInTheKitchen · 30/04/2024 19:29

Other people will always have an opinion on this. My 2 are now 5 and 3 and I’ve remained full time as does DH.

MIL has the 3 year old 1 day a week, whilst the other days we rely on nursery and before and after school clubs. DH works shifts so is able to do drop off/pick ups on occasion. It’s hard work and myself and DH don’t always see the most of each other but we’ve made it work, and I’ve continued to build my career. We still manage to have quality time as a family, and the extra income is what pays for our holiday etc.

I get comments all the time from colleagues or friends about how can I work full time, but ultimately I’ve not had much choice and it’s no-one else’s business besides mine and DH.
Do what’s right for you and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/04/2024 19:31

Snailandwhale2024 · 30/04/2024 19:11

Thank you, this gives me hope when I return to work full time. Fed up with all of the comments from others about my decisions and choices. I also get comments about taking a shorter maternity leave than most at the moment. Out of interest, how long are you taking @SouthLondonMum22 ?

Show quote history

3 months. I did the same with DS and got comments about it too.

Unicornhat · 30/04/2024 19:34

watermelonfizz · 30/04/2024 10:48

Wowww thank you everyone for your replies! I really thought that I would get a load of judgement but instead you have all been so encouraging.

a conversation I had with my headteacher when I took my baby in for a visit 2 weeks ago….

headteacher: I’m unsure where you’re going to be in September. I’m not sure you could commit to a full time teaching role with a baby and toddler at home

me: why’s that?

headteacher: well all the marking, planning, meetings, and so on

me: I’ve been doing this for 13 years

headteacher: yes but I think part time would suit your lifestyle better now

me: i disagree

headteacher: I think you need to go part time, you can’t be fully committed to your career and be a good parent

me: if I was a man would you be saying this?

headteacher: …… 😳

Wow, I work in HR - this is extremely inappropriate and discriminatory!!

QuietLifeNoDrama · 30/04/2024 19:42

Sod what anyone else thinks. Your going to be judged whatever you decide to do. Do whatever you think is going to work best for your family. You've already done it once before so you have a pretty good idea what your in for. Let's not forget though, if it doesn't work out the way you hoped you can always change your working pattern later down the line. Don't feel pressured into changing it based on someone else's standards.

Letsgotitans · 30/04/2024 19:44

I got judged for working 3 and half days, term time only! Plus my child went to pre school so only did 9-3!! Apparently that was 'throwing him in at the Deep end' 🤦 you will get judged no matter what you do, you do what works for you

Pianolin · 30/04/2024 19:52

This sounds like a lovely setup op. Suspect people are just jel you have the grandparent support to make it work.

Wakeywake · 30/04/2024 19:56

I'm surprised you've got 2 children and only just discovered that everyone and their dog simply must have an opinion on everything to do with your child-related choices. Ignore. Of course you can work ft with young children, many, many people do.

WhiskersPete · 30/04/2024 19:58

I'm a teacher and I went back 4 days after DC1. I just ended up cramming 5 days of work into 4 whilst losing a fifth of my salary for it. So after DC2 I went back full time.

  • Things that have helped:
  • A lot of GP support
  • Getting a cleaner
  • DH is able to be flexible with work and do school drop offs
  • Being really strict about not taking work home with me.

I realise this wouldn't work for everyone.

PickledMumion · 30/04/2024 20:00

You've already been working (and pregnant!) with a small child. You'll be absolutely fine with two. The worst part for me was having double the number of sick days with the kids - I used up my dependents days very quickly.

NewYearNewJob2024 · 30/04/2024 20:06

I actually can't believe that these sorts of conversations are happening in this day and age. And like you say, it's very unlikely men would have to have the same conversation!

I know lots of teachers who work full time with 2 children! And not only teachers, but those in other professions. I would have thought this was the norm if I'm honest! Especially with the current financial climate!

I have 1 toddler and would like another baby in the near future and fully plan on returning to work full time (as a teacher unless I find another job by then...but I'm looking to leave for different reasons!)

SarahJane796 · 30/04/2024 20:11

I’m a teacher and on SLT. I have three kids. It’s totally doable. Husband also works full time. After school club and breakfast clubs during the week when they get to school age and then all the holidays with them.

it’s fine. Get a cleaner. And a gardener if you need it. Outsource the house stuff you don’t want to do.
You are building a career as a woman after children. You are an excellent role model.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 30/04/2024 20:14

watermelonfizz · 30/04/2024 10:18

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

Hi @watermelonfizz

I think the difference with teaching than other jobs is the sheer all consuming nature of it during term time.

I tried to go back full time when dc were small but it was too much even with the holidays.

Itsacruelsummer · 30/04/2024 20:25

You need to find a more supportive school. Your headteacher sounds awful! They are out there!!

It sounds like you have a good balance and you will always have the holidays with your kids which is more than lots of people. I teach part time and its great but also has ruined my career progression and I still feel judged sometimes for only being part time! You can't win!

Proudmummy67 · 30/04/2024 20:30

I can't believe your Head said that to you!

I'm a teacher on maternity and due to go back in the summer with a 3 year old and 9 month old. No one has said anything to me! I know it can be tough sometimes but I try to see it that I get 13 weeks off with my kids and with the extra money I've got from working full time we can do nice things etc.

echt · 30/04/2024 20:35

An older generation of teacher here but thinking of women who had children about the time I had mine 90s-2000s, everyone worked full time. To be fair I knew ono-one with more than two children.

That HT is a piece of work and is probably pissed off that you're not available to do unpaid work such as breakfast clubs, etc.

SmokeyWigwams · 30/04/2024 20:50

It's not always necessarily a case of "ignore everyone, they're just being judgy". They might be speaking from experience. The amount of threads I see on MN from mums working full time with young children, who are completely burnt out and miserable, even with lots of family support, makes me wonder if the naysayers may actually be right. Maybe it really is crazy to that two parents working FT with young children is the norm, maybe everyone would be happier if at least one parent worked part time. So I wouldn't be entirely dismissive of what everyone is saying.

Stressedmum1966 · 30/04/2024 20:54

That’s your choice. It is fair to say it is hard - I worked full time with 4 young children, that was my choice and I loved my work. I didn’t have family around so good child care and emergency back up was essential and my husband and I worked as a partnership. Ironically I worked less when my kids were teenagers so I could support them with GCSEs and A levels. I currently work full time now.

CantFindMyGlasses3 · 30/04/2024 20:59

Surely that conversation was discriminatory, if nor illegal? Please report to your union! I worked full time with childcare and the odd bit of GP help when they were too sick for nursery but well enough to be out of bed. I'm jealous of teachers holidays! Please report those comments... outrageous

Wouldprefertobereading · 30/04/2024 21:02

I did it, needs must. One child is a chartered engineer in a specialist field and the other is a Dr. It’s hard.. but it’s always hard no matter what the circumstances you raise your children. Just do it.

Doubledenim305 · 30/04/2024 21:05

Everyone is different. Different energy levels, family support levels, childcare provision etc. So u know what u can and can't do.
I have low energy and absolutely cudnt do it. But that's me.
Absolutely DO NOT let a vampire HT decide for you or pressurise you. And do not feel obliged to go above and beyond.
If you can do both, great. If not go part time.
Just try it. If it's too much, you can go part time later. Have a good and if you don't like it change it. But at least you will know one way or the other.
I'm a teacher. It's an energy and time sapping job. Don't be hurt by friends saying go part time because they probably just trying to protect u..

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/04/2024 21:10

SmokeyWigwams · 30/04/2024 20:50

It's not always necessarily a case of "ignore everyone, they're just being judgy". They might be speaking from experience. The amount of threads I see on MN from mums working full time with young children, who are completely burnt out and miserable, even with lots of family support, makes me wonder if the naysayers may actually be right. Maybe it really is crazy to that two parents working FT with young children is the norm, maybe everyone would be happier if at least one parent worked part time. So I wouldn't be entirely dismissive of what everyone is saying.

Most mums who are happy working FT aren’t going to be starting threads about it.

Everyone is different. I’m glad I went with what I felt was right and dismissed what others were saying because 99% of things they said I would feel or would happen wasn’t the case for me at all.

TruthorDie · 30/04/2024 21:11

YANBU. I work full time hours compressed into 3.5 days. My husband does the same and our toddler twins go to childcare 2 days a week. It’s doable but tiring and requires planning. I’m not sure why everyone (l write everyone but most of the time it’s women!) have to be so judgemental. Also 13 weeks off will be great when they go to school -both for the lack of childcare and the quality time.

Arconialiving · 30/04/2024 21:17

soscarlet · 30/04/2024 10:25

Mothers get judged for working full time, for working part time, and for staying at home with their children. We can’t win.

It sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into what will work best for your family, so go ahead with confidence and don’t let other people derail you.

Absolutely this! Not a teacher but I've worked throughout and my DSs are now 16, 14 & 12. Hard but do-able with a partner who pulls their weight & sounds like you've good support around you too.

WhatWouldYouDo33 · 30/04/2024 21:19

I don’t understand what’s so special about the school run. Personally I hate it.

I would rather have all school holidays off. Sounds like you have a good support network Op.