Am I off my head to think I can work full time with a very young family???

[watermelonfizz]

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

Lots of people do it and don’t have the benefit of long school holidays!

@watermelonfizz take what others say with a pinch of salt. People have their own agenda for judging others and its usually because of some insecurity in themselves

Do it if you want and accept it is hard going (I did it). I think there needs to be some non-negotiable support for full time teaching parents:
A cleaner who will also deal with your laundry,
If not, have a cleaner and a laundry person or a commercial laundry,
Online grocery shopping.

Good luck! Your headteacher is a dinosaur!

Unfortunately judging women for their domestic arrangements is something of a national pastime. Damned if you work, dambed if you stay at home.

Your headteacher and friends sound completely backward though with incredibly old fashioned attitudes. It’s absolutely possible to do what you’re doing and in fact more people do it than don’t do it.

I’m wondering if you live somewhere really rural?

I've had a quick chat with my headteacher about me returning to work after maternity leave. For me, it makes no sense to go back part time, so I will be back full time. DS attends my school and I'd have to drop him off and collect him 5 days a week anyway (it's an independent school and we live about 30 minutes away). We haven't had the conversation that I'd like to go back as phase leader but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it...
With DS, I went back part time and it was horrible. Same amount of work for less pay. I felt like I was both a shit teacher and a shit mum...and thennI even ended up with less money.
Luckily, my current school is much more family-friendly and I know they'll work my timetable around my needs, if possible. Also, they don't make me feel guilty about child sick days or anything like that. (My previous school threatened with capability because DS caught ever bug going when he first started nursery.)
DH might reduce his hours a little, depending on which nursery DD will go to.

wow - that's outrageous!

OP, I have young kids and work full time in a very, very demanding job. If I'm honest - its very tough. But I don't have grandparent help and I don't get holidays off - so things like managing illness is very difficult.

You sound like you have a good set up and you still have holidays to immerse yourself into the children. If it works for you and your family, then go for it! If it doesn't work out, then part time is still an option.

100% your headteacher has thought there was a cost saving.

Know your equality Act, ACAS and other relevant info and don't get into a discussion. Emails from now on. Facts only: As discussed on X date, i am writing to confirm my intention to return to my position in a full time capacity on X date. Please confirm receipt and any necessary paperwork I may need to take ahead of my return.

The headteacher is male. I'd be reporting him regardless of his sex.

Yanbu to want to work full time, and as a teacher you'll actually be at an advantage not having to find childcare for half terms and summer holidays because presumably you'll be off work too.

The only thing is with two small children I wouldn't underestimate the amount of times they might be unwell during the first few years of thier lives! My son's attendance in reception was terrible and I remember thinking it was a good job I was a sahm at that point because of the sickness bugs and chicken pox, covid etc.. but you should absolutely go back full time if you want to and the headteacher sounds like she was being really judgemental.

I fucking hate the school run and love that I only have to do it once a week now.

Of course you can work full time with young children.

I’ve just had twins, I now have 3 under 2 and will be going back full time just as I did with DS. I’ve had some similar reactions too and just bring up the fact that DH is going back full time so what’s the difference?

Stop discussing your choices with others and avoid phrasing it on a way that welcomes their opinion.

I’m learning this.

You’ve reached a decision that works well for you and your family.

80% of other people’s opinion sucks. There’s a grain of truth in some 10% of it and 10% are genuinely helpful.

OK. So now it has been established that it is a male headteacher I most definitely would put it in writing that at this stage it remains your intention to return full time after maternity leave and his suggestion that you would not be able to perform your duties properly and should only work part tine because you are a mother is discriminatory on the basis of your sex. Copy to Head of Governors too and HR.

Why would you be off your head to do it when you're lucky enough to have plenty of help?🤔

If you didn't have this support, then ywbu, but you do!🤷‍♀️

The headteacher wants rid of you to get someone in who is willing to go above and beyond or to cut down on costs. Possibly both. If you’ve been doing it 13 years you’ll be expensive. Unspoken and sometimes spoken expectation is that you will go above and beyond. You will do the Christmas and summer fairs, the discos, the moderation meetings, the training sessions, the parents, celebration and open evenings. You will not clap eyes on your kid until 8pm…Plenty do all those extras willingly and they make it harder for people with families. I was a teacher and went down to part time after 15 years and eventually left for something more family friendly. I had no help though and I also dislike being made to feel like a shirker because I couldn’t make myself available for every after school thing

Dear god! It's not the 1950s!!

Of course you're not off your head. How does the headmaster think most mothers and fathers are surviving? We work full time.

Glad you’re getting the support and advice you need on this thread!

I’d be speaking to the union. What was said is completely unacceptable. Are dads advised to go part time? Thought not. God it’s depressing that this sort of thing is going on in 2024.

I know plenty of full time teachers, I absolutely would do full time if I had holidays off.

I do 4 long days all year which I think is far harder once school age due to needing holiday childcare.

Anyway, you can always drop hours one day if you want or need to. Going back full time doesn’t have to be permanent.

I can’t imagine why anyone would give 2 shits about doing the school run.

I have no family to help so the kids HAD to go to nursery.

I think if it felt right to you before everyone started chipping in, then go for it.

It's hard no matter the circumstances, and like you say yes during term time it will be busy but then you have the holidays solidly with them. I'm in the other camp whereby I work from home, flexibly, 4 days per week but am all year round (aside from 26 days annual leave) so although I can generally do drop offs / pick ups, school holidays are really a struggle. There is no ideal solution here, I guess in both elements we make sacrifices so for you it's just deciding what works best for you / your family.

Don't allow others thoughts to dissuade you. If it's not working out, you can always revisit the situation down the line and make changes!

Absolutely this.

Some women just love to judge others and throw shade on their choices, it's not healthy and non of their business.

It is such a personal choice and all peoples circumstance are different, so to try and give generic sweeping opinions either way, is useless and silly.

If the decision to go back to work full time is best for you and your family, absolutely do it.

I went away for a 4 day course and left my 1 year old and 5 month old with their dad. I Was asked repeatedly where the kids were, who was looking after them, wasn't I devastated at being away for so long. When the eldest was 3 months old my partner went away for 5 months with work. Did anyone question him? Did they hell.
People love to judge mothers. You should absolutely complain about what the head teacher said.

Lots of parents work full-time. I don't think it's a particular unusual choice. I certainly always worked full-time.

@Spirallingdownwards , the headteacher being male is irrelevant. The attitude was out of date in the 1980s.

@watermelonfizz , I'd get the headteacher to put the suggestions/comments in writing if you can, and report to the LEA.

Of course it’s hard, but you know that. It’s also hard working part time and having the kids the other days. Tbh I find days as a teacher much easier than days I’m at home.

Youve got great support which is the key. Parents and husband able to help will make all the difference.

your headteacher is unprofessional and borderline illegal to question if you’ll be able to work full time. It is their job to support you in your decision.