Am I off my head to think I can work full time with a very young family???

[watermelonfizz]

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

I can’t believe there are so many judgemental people out there willing to opine on other people’s choices, it’s rude (unless asked for an opinion). I wouldn’t dream of commenting on other people’s choices. For what it’s worth I worked full time in an office when I had three under three and still do. It was hard when they were very young . One advantage though was AVOIDING the twice daily school run! 😂

I'd be sceptical the head wasn't trying to replace Op with a cheaper teacher given she said she's on a good wage. If she drops to part time then they can either save the cost or fill the other part with a cheaper teacher.

Totally inappropriate!!! I would report her.

I had four children and have worked full time throughout. All my friends worked full time.

I can’t believe anyone would have the nerve to suggest you should be part time. I hope they wrote that down so that you can discuss it with HR!!

Ditto. I was made to feel I wouldn’t have time to wash/clean teeth/drink a cup of water when my baby was here as they couldn’t be put down for a second, which really worried me. None of that was true, and my second child is somewhat of a ‘Velcro baby’.

Who’s feeling like the school run is important because I’m 8 months into 10+ years and would happily pass it over to a family member if I could 🤣🤣

You are very lucky to have grandparents to help 3 days a week - are they able to cope with two very young ones? That’s a lot to ask!

Of course you can work if you have that level of help. It’s not difficult at all.

I work full time compressed days with every other Fri off when we go to baby group. Baby has nursery 3 days and goes to granny and granddad's 2 days or 1 day and 1 day with me depending on the weel. I also go to uni part time doing a degree apprenticeship. So far things are working out (been back since Feb) except I had to have a special days leave when baby was in hospital. I don't care if people judge me. If I wanted to continue my apprenticeship I had to commit to full time. In 2 years time when I qualify I may consider going part time when I'm qualified and on a better wage. My friends who do work part time tend to say they're expected to do a full time job in part time hours. So I think none of us can win, we just need to do our best and treasure the time we do have at bedtimes at the the weekend

I did wonder this. I think some grandparents would struggle with two little ones 3 days a week.

You'll never please everyone, so do what works for you.

If someone tells you working full time is too much, tell them "men do it, how hard can it be?"

If they say men can work FT with young kids because they have a wife at home, tell them you have a hands-on DH (& ensure that is true).

Of course working FT is achievable, so many of us do it, and as you rightly say, no one is asking the same question of your DH; it's just misogyny in action (& yes, women can be misogynistic too).

I got judged for working full time and part time. Now I'm getting judged for becoming a SAHM.
I've just learned not to care. It's nothing to do with anyone else.
It's good you've got GP to help but bear in mind they might struggle with two young ones but not want to tell you for fear of letting you down. Not saying it will happen but I watched my parents almost kill themselves looking after my niece while my sister seemed not to notice.
But regardless of that you need to do what you want/need and it's no one else's business.
I'm not sure I'd want to stay at your current school. Your headteacher sounds awful.

Never let others make you feel guilty!

I personally couldn’t do it, but then you’re home all of the school holidays so that’s pretty good. It’ll be hard work, but if you’ve never thought any different re: work hours then I’m sure you’ll be totally fine. It’s no one’s business but yours.

Exactly. People need to stop assuming that their experiences/feelings are going to apply to everyone.

I've never experienced not having time to shower or go to the toilet and I never felt super anxious about leaving DS with DH or other family members.

Going back to the work topic, I was constantly told how I'd be always rushing around and that wasn't the case 99% of the time too. Of course, I haven't done it with DS plus the twins yet but I know that I'll adjust and manage just fine.

Go for what works for you and your family and it is no one else’s business. But just to give you my experience, I went from FT to 0.8 as I personally found it unmanageable to teach and do everything else while maintaining sone kind of work/life balance but my DH works abroad regularly and though I have solid childcare, I have sole responsibility for the children and house during the working week. He is a great dad and husband when he can be. Also, my school is a very intense kind of place which yours probably is too as most schools are.

So it sounds like you are assertive and sure with a supportive husband who is there so FT may very well be doable for you. I think it is worth trying but it doesn’t have to be set in stone.

Your headteacher sounds stuck in the dark ages but unfortunately I am not surprised as I have had similar said to me over the years. All the best, op.

Your head is skirting on very thin ice here not to mention being a mysogenistic arsehole. My HR department (NHS) world have palpitations if anyone said this at work. Did he ever have young kids? Did he go part time....
I can't believe this attitude it really stinks. Do you think he's unofficially (in his head) used some of your hours for another post/cheaper person as he was anticipating a part time ask ...?

Hell I’d struggle with 2 (very) young ones 3 days a week and I’m 48!

It’s a lot to ask and a big jump from 1 - 2. My parents did the odd day from time to time (they live too far to help) and they were exhausted! That’s one day very rarely.

Is it easy? No way. Can you do it? Yes of course you can and why wouldn’t you. You are in the perfect job where you get all the school holidays off with them so that’s perfect. I’m in a very senior role and I do it. Sometimes it’s hard and there are the odd occasion when the kids are unwell where work has to suffer but it’s doable. You need something for you and your career is it, don’t give it up for everyone else’s old fashioned attitudes.

This is so sensible. When you are with your children, they need you, not expensive outings, just normal, peaceful family life. When you work full time it's too easy to feel guilty and over compensate with "quality time". Your children will cope happily if you don't put yourself under the strain of feeling guilty. The same with school, don't let them pressure you into compromising your home life, keep your work/life boundaries and you will find a way to enjoy your career and your children.

This is absolutely bloody outrageous and I would be putting in a formal complaint. I’m not a teacher but I have returned to work full time after both children. Sure it can be hard but it’s also fulfilling and stimulates me in a way that being a sahm mum wouldn’t. Good luck 💪🏻

@livelovelough24 , the headteacher is male. The sex of the headteacher isn't relevant. It was discriminatory.

Literally - who exactly are the people who are doing this judging?

to add - I had no grandparents help or any other help. Myself and my husband sorted it/paid for childcare, and we both worked full time with three under 3. Not perfect, but nothing is. I just can’t believe there are people literally opining about other family’s choices! Why are they doing that?

Ignore them. I get that all the time, and tbh they're right in the sense that I miss the kids awfully, I see them for 30 minutes before bedtime. The outcome wasn't my choice.
Your situation isn't the same, not that it's anyone's business what choices you make anyway!

Have never felt judged because I do not listen to nor consider anyone else’s opinion relevant. I’ve worked full time since children were babies.

my career has gone from strength to strength, earning potential grown, skill set expanded, pension topped up, kids cared for, loved, attached and absolutely thriving. They also see both of their parents working, happy and motivated.
we have quality time on an evening and at weekends.
I see mums at the school, still not back to work when kids are in Y1/2 etc. Relying on partners income or scrapping by on part time wages with absolutely nothing left over for extras or enrichment for the kids.

our kids are all the same, they’ve gained nothing tangible for the extra one on one time they’ve had together realistically.

it’s hard work to juggle sometimes and in an ideal world I’d love to do 4 days so I can do life and house admin before we get the weekend but I wouldn’t sacrifice our families financial security for that.

You'll be judged whatever you decide to do.

I've done both and personally found working full time and sharing the parenting/household chores easier than the part time juggling act where I was pretty much responsible for everything.

I don’t see the problem. Ignore all the haters and do what is best for you I always worked and yes sometimes it was hard but we all got through it.