Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I off my head to think I can work full time with a very young family???

155 replies

watermelonfizz · 30/04/2024 10:18

Sorry if posted in the wrong area

I have a 9 month old and a 2.5 year old and am about to head back to my teaching job at the end of my maternity leave. I’ve been met with outrage off my teacher friends and headteacher about even considering working full time.

I went back full time after my first baby and it was hard but it worked - 2 days nursery & 3 days grandparents - worked very well so I would consider we have solid childcare.

i just feel like I am being met with so much judgement :( people making comments like I’m missing out on so much etc, will never be there for the school runs when they’re older. People questioning can I fully commit to my career and being a parent - Nobody seems to say any of these things to my dh though?

In my head I’ve always just thought it’s swings and roundabouts and you can’t have everything- I get 13 weeks off a year with them and they will always get to be with me in the school hols. My best friend for example, left teaching for a different job with more flexibility to work around school runs etc and says she couldn’t possibly miss the school run. But then she’s scrambelling around for childcare when it’s the school holidays? This doesn’t appeal to me! I’m on a good wage as i worked my way up the pay scale pre children and l can offer my children a lot in terms of experiences, holidays etc. This is how I justify it all in my head anyway

i was happy with my decision but I feel like I’m being judged and people think im a crap mum for working 5 days a week.

I thought I was lucky having good help off grandparents 3 days a week and a good nursery with my toddler loves, school holidays are all sorted because they will be with me, dh could do school drop off/pick up a couple times a week and my parents have already said they will love to help with school runs if we need help. I’ve booked for a cleaner to start a couple of hours a week when I’m back at work to help with the housework a bit. I just feel very judged and that people think I’m a crap mum and I feel so guilt ridden now :(

also with the cost of living and interest rates, the last thing I want to do at the moment is cut my earnings down and feel less secure. Our nursery fees are low as my toddler gets the 15 hours and my baby will get the 15 hours in September

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 30/04/2024 13:53

Forget people's judgement. If your dp can pull their weight and both muck in it could work. In your job do the hours you are paid to do, become really confident in your T&C's. I know people say it can't be done in teaching but I do it and have done for years. I know the system is awful in England but you still have agreements. If you want to then give it a go, you can adjust if it feels too much.

GnomeDePlume · 30/04/2024 14:08

I went back full time after each of mine was born (3 DCs). Minimal comment made - at least to my face. This was back in the 1990s.

I'm main earner so we had Hobson's choice. After DC3 was born DH became SAHP. It worked for us.

With comments like those your HT is sailing very close to the wind. Do not trust him.

jolota · 30/04/2024 14:34

Outrageous that your HT would have that kind of conversation with you.
I don't understand why anyone would be judging you, it's very normal for people to have young children and work full time.
I went back 2 days initially (because I could only get that many days childcare) then added a third day when I could get an extra day. I found it really tough though and wouldn't increase my days now.

momtoboys · 30/04/2024 14:40

I worked full time with 5 under 5 because I carried out health insurance. Those years are a blur, but we got through it.

Bumply · 30/04/2024 14:47

I took 6 months maternity leave for both my sons (20 odd years ago) and have worked full time throughout their childhood.

Couldn't have afforded to be a sahm, but didn't want to be either, and that doesn't make any less worthy as a parent.

It seems I was fortunate to work in places where this was very typical. I can't actually think of any female colleagues who gave up work after having children. I have friends now who were sahm but were economically better off than I was at the time.

You do what's best for your family and your circumstances.

Sure, some people would do things differently, but they have no right to push their choices on you as the only right way, or make you feel guilty.

I have no regrets

Runningbird43 · 30/04/2024 14:50

momtoboys · 30/04/2024 14:40

I worked full time with 5 under 5 because I carried out health insurance. Those years are a blur, but we got through it.

Carried out health insurance? Is that your job? Why does it mean you have to work full time?

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2024 14:51

Most teachers I know would snap their Head’s hand off for suggesting they go part time. Personally while they’re this young I would take part-time hours. It’s the best of both worlds, you’re keeping your hand in, whilst having a few days with the babies. Then when they both start school, ramp it up at work again.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/04/2024 15:14

Well you can only try it and see how you get on. if it really doesn't work how about Wednesday off? That means you only have to be away from your DC for 2 days at a time which works really well.
I always had to work full time because I was a single mum.

Runningbird43 · 30/04/2024 15:28

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2024 14:51

Most teachers I know would snap their Head’s hand off for suggesting they go part time. Personally while they’re this young I would take part-time hours. It’s the best of both worlds, you’re keeping your hand in, whilst having a few days with the babies. Then when they both start school, ramp it up at work again.

I found it wasn’t best of both worlds, tbh.

pt meant I was working 3 days a week, childcare 2 days, and trying to fit in a larger share of the housework round a toddler on my days “off”, to leave the weekends free to do stuff as a family. We slowly got into the rut where I was doing nearly all the housework on my days off, I was working late to get stuff done, and I just felt like I was doing a half arsed job at everything.

it also meant my income dropped any we still had to tighten the reins, particularly as most nurseries did a discount for a full week so 4 days wasn’t any cheaper than 5.

full time meant financial security, more into pensions. Spare cash for cleaners, gardeners, and to outsource DIY etc, freeing up more time.

the biggest plus to me with a full time nursery place was if I felt burned out or exhausted, I could just take a day a/l to sleep, organise, shop, or just have some space for a few hours. Similarly if I felt like I wanted some time with dc I’d book a day off and we’d go do something nice.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 30/04/2024 15:30

Yeah, you should stay at home... and wait for all the comments about being shit and lazy to roll in instead!

We can't win so just do what you need to / want to do.

I work full time with 3 young children and it is hard but we have amazing experiences in our together-time, which we couldn't have if we weren't both working and that is our choice as parents.

I admire the women that are "on" all the time for their kids. Honestly, if mine were with me 24/7, it would be a lot of me looking at recipes on my phone that I'm never going to cook while they dig up the lawn / watch endless Peppa Pig / eat Quavers as an activity. I'm not going to pretend that setting up craft tables and doing boxed Bluey themed cupcake kits is my calling in life. I'm shit at it.

SpaSpa · 30/04/2024 15:34

Is the headteacher even allowed to have such a conversation with you, would they same the same to a man?. I think it’s outrageous.

MrsSchrute · 30/04/2024 15:40

Personally, I don't think that a family where both parents work full time is in the best interests of the children.

If it is necessary to survive, then you have no choice, but if it can be avoided then I'd say that is better.

Whether the Mum or the Dad goes part time is irrelevant!

Spirallingdownwards · 30/04/2024 16:16

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2024 14:51

Most teachers I know would snap their Head’s hand off for suggesting they go part time. Personally while they’re this young I would take part-time hours. It’s the best of both worlds, you’re keeping your hand in, whilst having a few days with the babies. Then when they both start school, ramp it up at work again.

Missing out on pension contributions, potentially missing experience, with the head's attitude probably missing out on promotions too.

You have just joined that head and those friends who are telling her to behave like a proper little wifey and mummy and go part time.

whenitsover · 30/04/2024 16:23

Honestly op f them all. They are being mysognistic and you’re right if you were a man this would not be happening to you

youve made you’re choice and don’t need to explain or reason it to anyone other than yourself and your dp. Go for it

ps 13 weeks with the kids is a great privilege and not one many have. Enjoy it and good luck to you

RB68 · 30/04/2024 16:31

Of course you can and I would suggest having been there and got the t shirt they need you a bit more when they first start school and would be better to hold p/t hrs till then if you can. As you teach you will be home in the holidays which is a super bonus so don't worry about it

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/04/2024 16:50

Moveoverdarlin · 30/04/2024 14:51

Most teachers I know would snap their Head’s hand off for suggesting they go part time. Personally while they’re this young I would take part-time hours. It’s the best of both worlds, you’re keeping your hand in, whilst having a few days with the babies. Then when they both start school, ramp it up at work again.

The issue is that he won’t be suggesting that to the male teachers. It’s sexist and he either needs to suggest it to all the teachers who are parents or not suggest it at all.

Phineyj · 30/04/2024 17:16

@momtoboys is presumably American and means the family health insurance came with her job.

Fortunately we don't have to factor that into decision making here.

OP, do what's best for you but do not forget what you have learned about these people's attitudes.

snakewillow · 30/04/2024 17:39

Other peoples opinions don't pay the bills, just ignore them. I worked full time from when my DC were very similar ages then became a single parent with a useless ex a few years later.

It's fine, not easy but it can work and is no one else's business anyway.

Turquoise123 · 30/04/2024 18:27

Very odd. System normal I would think ? Smile and move on ?

TinyTeachr · 30/04/2024 18:44

I bet the head assumed you would go part time and has timetabled/staffed on that basis for next year and is now upset that you're not doing what he assumed...... so is trying to pressure/embarass you into doing that.

ABitMadYeah · 30/04/2024 18:47

I went back to full time teaching when my son was 12 months, and then again when DC2 was 7 months. It was hard, but necessary financially and for my sanity (perhaps bizarrely!). I wasn’t a good SAHM.

We also had a combination of nursery and grandparents. It worked well. I didn’t miss the school run and my DC never knew any different. There were plenty of other children with working parents.

MultiplaLight · 30/04/2024 18:47

Your head is a twat.

Like a proper judgemental one.

I managed it OP, with family and partner support you can do it.

The holidays are worth it, so so worth it!

Are you secondary or primary?

Move schools after you've been back long enough. I wouldn't want to work for that sexist attitude.

Notamum12345577 · 30/04/2024 18:51

radishpatch · 30/04/2024 10:21

I work full time with small children and it is really hard, but it's absolutely no one else's business. You do you.

Also, no one ever reacts with shock and horror when Dad's go back to work full time when their babies are two weeks old....

But if the dad wanted to cut his hours to spend more time with the baby, people would react with shock and horror and probably comment about how is a bad person for reducing his family’s income…..

ilovegranny · 30/04/2024 18:53

Formal complaint on the grounds of discrimination. Shocking! Your situation sounds pretty damned good, so ignore the adverse comments.

Snailandwhale2024 · 30/04/2024 19:11

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/04/2024 13:14

Of course you can work full time with young children.

I’ve just had twins, I now have 3 under 2 and will be going back full time just as I did with DS. I’ve had some similar reactions too and just bring up the fact that DH is going back full time so what’s the difference?

Thank you, this gives me hope when I return to work full time. Fed up with all of the comments from others about my decisions and choices. I also get comments about taking a shorter maternity leave than most at the moment. Out of interest, how long are you taking @SouthLondonMum22 ?