To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

Are there no buses or school buses your daughter can hop on to? It's a long walk I must admit and the mum seems really kind hearted to do this for your daughter.
I'd get to know the mum and i would be paying her something atleast.

This might be a bit off topic but I've recently seen many kids in my area on electric scooters going to school!

I personally think 45 minutes is quite a long way at 12 years old. But that's just my opinion, and obviously each parent has their own idea of what is acceptable. I remember how tired I used to be after a day of school, particularly in Y7 after the step to secondary, and walking 45 minutes at the end of a long day isn't great. And then she gets home and has to do homework, then have dinner.. she can't have much time just to chill, surely?

It is an imposition on the parent-child time of the kind driver and her child.

I would try to get the mums phone number to thank her and explain situation, but reassure her that she is ok to walk and that she shouldn’t feel obliged, I wouldn’t pay petrol money as that is almost like paying for a service and the. She may feel like she does always have to do it.
you've been through a lot don’t feel guilty, you say it’s a safe area so there’s no reason to think anything bad will happen but o appreciate it’s not ideal

Well I know I would have been made to walk regardless. I carried heavy stuff a lot. My parents were at work. A 45 minute walk would have been nothing to me. I cycled home from work in the dark at 15. I was very self-sufficient.

However, OP's daughter has the option for a lift, so I'd be grateful and offer to contribute to fuel or give a gift to say thanks.

That's genetic. My kids have never had to walk but have mild scoliosis. That comes from their father and his side.

I am just thinking how much does it cost you to get a taxi for your boy to get home every day!

Could you get her a bike maybe? 45 mins is a fair walk but I guess it is probably fine it would keep her nice and fit I guess. I mean it is kind of a dog walk length that lots of people do every day.

@LLMn "It is an imposition on the parent-child time of the kind driver and her child."

Bollocks.

OP, this may be of no help to you but it's taken me decades to work out, so I'll share it in case it helps. I used to have knee problems and can still be prone to them. I'm also hypermobile. One of my knees in particular can still be prone to play up. I find that, because my knees hyper-extend back, I can be prone to locking them when stationary or doing activities. This leads to pain. I don't even know that I do it. I find now, if I'm aware and stop myself locking my knees, I don't get knee pain. It feels quite strange at first, but it does work. If I notice I'm locking my knees back, I just bring them forward a little. That takes the strain off. Possibly your DD is hyper-extending her knees when she stands and walks.

I tried running once but ended up with sore knees. I was probably hyper-extending and didn't know it.

I think 45 mins walk is ok a few times a week. It is far but I used to walk hours to friends houses at that age. That being said in the dead of winter, rainy days and days she is tired it eould be a god send to have this parent helping out. I would try and reach out, she might have already heard you were recovering from cancer as well and just might want to help out. See if you can speak to her and thank her and ask if she minds, explain your thoughts and offer something in return, maybe you will have a new friend.

What's the other way around?

"Started to give my daughters friend lifts home from school without being asked"

I don't think anyone would be calling the mother a CF seeing as she didn't ask her to give her lifts 🤔

Have you tried KT tape on her knees if she finds it painful to walk far? It should help protect her knees/give joint support without relying on a splint that could weaken muscles over the longer term. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and get regular dislocations from extreme Hypermobility and KT tape is my best friend!

This

I wouldn't look too deep into it. Learn to accept help without feeling like it's an insult. She probably thinks she's doing you a favour, so accept it.

It's also safer, so it is a win-win scenario. The stamina thing your daughter would have to learn anyway, so cross that bridge when it comes to it.

Re leg situation- ask to be referred to a orthopaedic surgeon. My daughter’s issues were less severe by the sound of it but I insisted and she now gets specialty insoles which make a huge difference. You can self refer I think too, try your local hospital - but it will only be for the physio team. Although they can refer you further if they see the need. Good luck 🤞🏻

That's what, two, two and a half miles?

That's nothing in a car. I would be grateful.

Sounds like you’ve had a tough year. If someone is willing and able to take the pressure off then accept it then you can pay it forward at a later date when you’re able to. If the lifts don’t continue, then it is quite far for a 12 year old with leg problems to walk so can your daughter not go to the library after school for an hour to do her homework or an afterschool club then you/DH can collect her later?

45 mins for a 12 year old girl alone is too much. What do you do in the winter, it's dark when they finish school. It'a not safe.

I am not sure it comes from a good place, as you mention that she cant bear th ethought of your dd walking in case something happens to her. that sounds more of an anxiety issue and I personally dont like the sound of it.
But I come from a country where children are generally more independent and not driven about as much as in the UK

I think 45 mins is fine in secondary school and very good for her fitness. The odd lift if its tipping down but otherwise I would encourage her to walk!
I walked 40 mins twice a day at secondary school, everyone did. Both my kids walked from year 6.

Sorry, I agree with the friends mum. You sausage struggles with walking but you're happy for her to walk 45 minutes home. That's a long way especially for a child that has trouble with her legs. I'd also give her a lift home.

The son goes to special school, the taxi will be funded by LA based on distance and possibly the boys disabilities. If it wasn't funded the obvious thing would be to have the taxi collecting both children.

I agree that the girl has probably told her friend everything and the friend has told her mum.
Hence mums taken pity on her.

I think if a parent was dropping my DD home every day, then I’d want some contact with them, either to show my gratitude and get to know them, also to offer some petrol money. I used to regularly pick up and drop a friends DD at her Nan’s house after school, same school as my DS, she had asked me and it was out of my way, it did become an extra responsibility for me and I was paying for the extra petrol. So I explained I could no longer do it and she understood.

To be fair, 45 minutes for a child who struggles with walking is a long time.

Especially factoring in that she'll have done a lot of steps at school, be tired after a busy day, and be carrying bags etc. I used to do about 25 minutes walk home from sixth form every day, and some days it felt like climbing Everest, and I was 16-18!
What happens to her on the day it's pissing down with rain? Like it was at home time yesterday around here?

Like someone else said, family weekend walks are probably a nicer idea for building stamina than a long, lonely walk, carrying a heavy bag.

I also wouldn't be buzzed about my 12yo DD walking alone. Nice area or not.

I am astonished at the no. of people saying 45 minutes is too long for a 12-yo to walk
(medical conditions notwithstanding).
And also astonished at all the judgy unsolicited physio advice from the sofa experts in op’s case😂.

Mine have walked home this far since starting secondary- with or without friends - and also then go on to other sport some evenings. Guess what, they’re completely fine.
Idk what time all your secondary schools finish but there are very few days in the year when it is dark at 3pm. They also have phones I can track if I am worried (which our generation never had when walking home).

I wouldn’t do this if I lived in a town or area I perceived as dangerous, but everyone’s perception is different. If they have a guitar/cooking stuff they get a lift where I can. Plenty of kids have 2 working parents where a lift is not an option. It’s normal to walk.

We live in England, it rains- wear a decent coat, take an umbrella. Of course you don’t need wellies - worst things ever to walk any distance in 😂. Someone saying school shoes are shit and uncomfortable to walk in wtf? Why wouldn’t you buy your kids practical shoes they can comfortably walk in when they are wearing them for 8 hrs a day anyway?! (And yes I have a DD as well as a DS). If they’re wet when arriving home then they get changed straight away into something dry. All fine.

Not having your nearly teenage children driven everywhere isn’t “not caring”. It is teaching them independence and normalising the fact that activity and getting yourself around is completely normal and healthy, and burning diesel around all our towns for no reason while we sit on our arses all day long is not.

To address the OP, it is a tricky one and I agree with those saying try and make contact with the other parent if possible or offer any reciprocation where you can. It is obviously coming from a place of kindness, but if you can explain you’re also happy for DD to walk occasionally I think you need to say this now before she suddenly reaches y 10 and is still accepting lifts from someone you’ve never met.