To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

Personally, I'd be grateful for the help provided by a sympathetic parent at school. To ease your worries, you could invite the parent (or parents, if a couple) for coffee, tea or anything friendly -- and have a chat. Given your current circumstances, it's good to know that there are people willing to help out. There are times when we can all benefit from accepting and giving support. 45 minutes walk is a long and potentially hazardous walk!

Hey my daughter had a similar situation. We kept getting pushed to physical therapy. Finally took her to a rheumatologist, they did an MRI and it turned out she has juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. After meds she was finally able to walk and run pain free and build up her muscles. Making her exercise without the meds was actually doing further damage to her joints and causing worse pain.

why don’t you get the mums details and thank her. Also what about DD cycling

So 45 minutes is perhaps a tad over two miles? Once a day? At her age that should be fine, unless her medical professionals advise otherwise. If not, could she cycle?

If she can walk 45 minutes then she does not need a free taxi.

Late to the party as see you've already contacted mum who said no to petrol money. Could your DP drop her daughter home on his pick up days to save her a job?

Otherwise I'd be sending daughter and her new friend off with with a tenner each for lunch when they go to town, or have her round for tea or whatever.

The girl is in pain by the time she's done the 45min walk, due to a medical condition.

So yes it might be worth asking about a taxi service.

@Needanewname42 lots of people with health problems are in pain when walking. But you still need to walk for your health.

Think I would have to meet the Mum giving her lifts. It's very kind of her but not if she is being judgemental. You can explain about your daughters condition. Thank her for the lifts. Its nice your daughter has such a goof friend.

The mum is probably kind and judgemental at the same time. Sometimes the kindest most generous people can be the most judgemental. But I think you should do what's in your daughter's best interests here and just show the mum appreciation of the lifts. You and your daughter are deserving of help. It's been a tough time for you.

You need to exercise swim and cycle both count as exercise, not necessarily walk. If walking is causing pain it could be doing more damage to her knees than actually helping.

45mins sounds like she must be a couple of miles from school too. Lots of areas provide transport over two miles (assuming she is in the nearest school)

You may well be overthinking this. 45 mins walk after school, dark nights, bad weather. It would be nice to have another option. It sucks, I remember doing it.
If your DH picks up a few nights a week, can he not reciprocate on those nights? Share the liad with the other mum? I'd get a message to the mum to suggest it. Seems fair? The best outcome is that your DD doesn't HAVE to walk that far every time. Once hormones kick in, it'll become too much. Have you asked her if she feels vulnerable walking? She may not but she just might.

That’s budget cuts for you, 12 year old children having to walk 45 minutes from school, on their own if they don’t have friends near them, leg problems or not, it’s unacceptable but this is the situation governments and local councils have put parents and children in. It’s all very well saying it’s an acceptable walking distance and maybe it is if you look at that in isolation. But the child might be carrying a heavy school bag, gym kit, musical instrument, text books. As you say they do a lot of walking within the school day itself. And what about terrible weather? Or equally if it’s very hot? Seriously, would many adults walk 45 minutes to work, be expected to put in a full day and then walk back? It’s disgraceful that we expect our children and young people to do this.

Im assuming there is no public bus she can access?

I would get talking to this parent, get to know them to find out if they really are fine with it and ensure they understand you aren’t being neglectful. Could your DH offer to take her child home on the days he is picking your DD up so the load is shared?

I wouldn’t like my 12 year old walking 45 mins by herself from school especially when its darker earlier. There is unfortunately no such thing as a safe town!

As they go further up the school the school bag gets heavier with books, textbooks etc too so if there are issues with you DDs legs you need to factor that in.

Can you invite the Mum in for coffee or buy her an occasional gift with a nice card?

Does your Dh return the favour when he is picking DD up? As a reciprocal arrangement seems like a good way to build relationships 😊

12 year old children having to walk 45 minutes from school, on their own if they don’t have friends near them, leg problems or not, it’s unacceptable

Its not unacceptable for most 12 year olds. For OP's DD its an issue because of her knees but most 12 year olds can walk 45 minutes twice a day without any trouble.
I just checked, its a 45 minute walk for my DD to school next year when she starts upper school. I have zero problem with her walking it every day, though she'll probably bike to save time.

Just wanted to contribute a different solution to this issue. I'm a teacher, I've had parents in this exact situation, of having a child at mainstream and another in special school. The solution to this was that the Mum went to the mainstream school to collect her child, the bus dropped the other child off at the mainstream school. It was agreed by school & by the transport company.

If your DH is collecting your daughter on the days she's had PE, could you give her friend a lift on those days too?

This sort of thing doesn't bother me if I'm going that way anyway - we take one of DS' friends to rugby practice and they don't reciprocate because they are working and I'm fine with it because DS is going.

Another of his pals always asks for a lift home and the parents never offer the same to DS so I have started to say no. They have left DS waiting alone at the bus stop before and not offered to drop him off home.

Same for me. I think I'd rather just see someone home safe, especially if going in that direction. I would definitely try to have a chat with the mum about it though and offer money or give flowers now and again or something as a thank you.

I used to walk this far from school daily and sometimes alone at this age but majority of the time I had friends with me and there were plenty of other kids about... but I know plenty of kids including my brother that got attacked by others kids and a couple even mugged. Particularly in winter.

Why don't you ask her to get the mums number and offer their child a lift the days DH picks up

45 minutes is probably 2 miles at a push for a dithering eleven year old? There's nothing wrong with that, and it's good for your daughter. Some kids are latch key kids, some have over protective parents who consider walking on their own too much of a risk. You are in the middle ground, and in my opinion, trying to raise a more rounded child who is loved, but is also able to operate independently. I think we all forgot sometimes that child hood is the time to prepare for adult hood. We underestimate the resilience and competence of our kids.

Edit- didn't realise it was old.

I think it is too much walking. Can't you share lifts with this other woman when your DH picks up your DD.

I don't think 45 mins is that long or far to walk one way. She's 11/12 years old. I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable with her walking this in the dark on her own though.

people with hypermobility do get more fatigued then people without hypermobility - their bodies have to work harder to keep their weaker muscles supporting their joints.

45 minutes is a very long walk. Reading your post made me really uncomfortable. What happens in autumn and winter when the clocks go back? They’re gonna walk home in the dark.
have you not spoken to the parent when she drops your child off? I would 100% be talking to her and thanking her and offering petrol money for every day to drop your child off. 12 is young. And 45 minutes is super long. I wouldn’t like to walk 45 minutes to work and I’m in my 30s. Is there no buses? No schools closer? There’s bound to be something?
is there a way you can pick her up early from school so you can make it home for your other child? It does seem really unfair to walk 45 minutes. Especially after a long day in school. So walking 45 minutes then staying in school and then walking 45 minutes. Ouch. See if the parent is happy to drop your kid off and offer petrol money. I feel really sad for your child. It must be so hard. Bless them.