To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

45 minutes is not a long walk. Totally normal.

Not that it’s a competition but I had 45 mins of walking home every day from secondary school. 30 mins to the train station and then 15 mins from my stop to home. So it took me in total an hour to get home if I missed a train. The only difference was I had a friend to walk home with I guess.

i don’t see anything wrong with 45 mins of walking, and if she had to do it, frankly she would do it. I don’t really understand why she’d need to build up stamina - as she wouldn’t just lay down on the side of the road. She might whinge and try and call you but frankly she’d have no option

"DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes." To be honest a 45 minute walk, by yourself, after a school day, with leg problems, sounds too much. Either be incredibly grateful that the other parent gives her lifts, or go fetch her, or pay for taxis or something. I get you need to be home for your other child, but sometimes 2 children both NEED you to do something. This means that you SHOULD either be fetching her yourself or getting someone else to get her. If you don't feel right accepting help from the other parent, then you need to pay for taxis or pay for care for the other child until you get home from your daughter's school run.

Re the mum I would put a note for your dd to give her and say thank you so much for giving my daughter a lift. Put your phone number in and ask her to call you. Have a chat, invite her to pop in if convenient.

I’m hyper mobile. Walking these distances won’t help her.

Won’t harm her, but won’t help her.

Wow, tell me you weren’t alive in the 70s/80s without telling me you weren’t alive in the 70s/80s.

45 minutes in the mid afternoon is absolutely fine. The problem with the walk is her strain on her legs, nothing more.

Sounds like a long walk but it's not anyone's place to judge really as years ago everyone walked , and that doesn't make you a "bad mum"
Why don't you ask your daughter for the mums number just to thank her , also you can jokingly say look I'm not a bad mum and have a chat with her . I'm sure she doesn't think it, maybe it's on the way and tbh I'd happily take help as not many do want to.

Hi OP,

I'm glad you've had a nice reply back. I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. I hope you recover well. You've a lot on your plate and you're doing your best. Accept the help. Your daughter feeling taken care of is more important than your ego.

I've had my own cancer battles and we had no extended family near by. Some near strangers helped out. I never forgot it. I now jump at any chance to help others out and I'm sure you will do the same when things improve for you.

I wish you all the best.

I was followed home at 13 and things very nearly went awry before another man who’d clocked what was happening intervened.

Now that I have a daughter of my own there’s no way I’d let her walk 45 minutes solo at that age, let alone along a route other school kids don’t follow.

Honestly if one of DS' school friends had terrible with their legs, mum had to be home for sibling with significant needs to get home, mum who was also recovering from cancer and dad was at work. I'd give a lift every day if I was available. No bother.
I would ask for the mums number though , have an honest conversation or ask her in for a coffee etc. Your daughter may have told her friend things about home but she might not have. I wouldn't want the other payment to think I was just being a CF

Ladies, please.

Or other body weight exercises at home. It is perfectly fine for a 12 year old to do a few lunges, squats and deadlifts as long as they don’t use weights - very good for strengthening the legs.

How can you begrudge her a lift home with her friend. I bet they love it.

Glad that OP got the mum’s number and messaged her. I’m however puzzled why it turned into lifts everyday after school given that OP’s husband was picking up their daughter 2-3 times a week?! Surely, dad should continue and then the other mum would only do 2 days?!

I would not want my 12 year old walking 45 minutes alone. Too young and unfortunately it’s not safe.

The chances are that the mum is fully aware of your circumstances (teenage girls tend to tell each other everything) and she is genuinely doing this because she’s a good person and is able to help out in this way. As others have said, invite her in for a coffee and get to know her. In the unlikely event that she is judging you and doesn’t really want to give your daughter a lift that’s her issue not yours, don’t worry about it!

Personally I think the mum has slightly over stepped the mark. I would never give any of my daughters friends lifts without them messaging their parents first and getting the green light or at least so that they know where and who their kid is with. Even the friends that I have known since primary school. She could have made contact with you and offered the lifts to you instead she’s made a judgement that tor daughter needs rescuing and like you said if she ever can do it your daughter is gonna be mad.

I think nothing of bringing my kids' friends in the car if I'm going that way anyway. I'd thank her but make it clear it's ok with you if you're dd walks and you don't expect it

Tbh I thinks its a lovely gesture - and it is a bloody long walk at the end of the day. I’d ask to meet the mum, thank her, check that it’s no problem to drop her home and then ask whether you might be able to offer some money towards fuel or something?

Could your DH pick up DD's friend on the days he picks DD up from school and drop her off home? Then it would be a balanced arrangement.

45 minutes is way too long in today's society. And it's regular so it's a pattern. This is not a fitness/snowflake issue. This is a safety issue.

I used to get a lift to school, but I'd have to wait on the corner for a good twenty minutes. One day a car with some men stopped to asked directions. I was about to lean in when another lady behind me gave them the directions.

I told my mum that night. She told me dad. He went ballistic. No more waiting on the corner.

I dont think theres any problem with discussing everything you’ve written above with the Mum. Life isn’t black and white so you can be really grateful to the Mum but also want your daughter to build up her stamina and not be thrown by the other Mum not being there every day (if the child is away for example or does a club?). I’d get her number from the friend and send her a message asking for a chat.

I do like that my Year 7 at least has to walk a short distance to the bus. Not only is it good to walk but it does build up independence and confidence and make them more aware of traffic/crossing the road etc. I wouldn’t like to be ferrying a Year 7 from school to home every day - im nearly at the stage of having no school runs to ever do again and certainly looking forward to it. It nice for them to be given the independence but i’d say not every day with that distance (especially if the weather is bad).

Could you/ your DH reciprocate on the days your DD is picked up?

I wouldn’t want a 12 year old walking 45 minutes. I agree to try and invite the mum for coffee and thank her and check it’s really ok. But is there no bus or anything?

Ffs! Is this real 😭😱

Completely agree with AGodawfulsmallaffair "Honestly, I’d be delighted. That’s a long old walk after school if she doesn’t have to. I would speak to the mum though, thank her profusely and but her the odd bottle of wine."

I wouldn't want my child walking 45 mimutes on the way home from school alone.

It's very kind of the other mum to help and I would take that help and just be grateful.

If your daughter needs to build stamina why not get her today something with others are weekend.

Please do not worry about the other mum judging you.

I hope you'll make a full recovery.