To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

[namechange0998776554799000]

DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

45 minutes is far too much especially as you said she finds it hard

I don't think 45 mins 2-3 times a week is terrible. What do you mean by "trouble with her legs" though?

45 mins in school shoes which aren't always the most supportive and a heavy school bag after a full day of school is quite along way on her own.

A 45 minute walk really isn't that far when you drive it and although it might be out of their way for home they might be going elsewhere. If DD told me one of her friends was walking 45 minutes as her mum had cancer, had to wait in for her brother and dad was at work. I wouldn't even give it a second thought to giving her a lift

This might be the start of a lovely friendship for you and DD the mum sounds like a good'un, but the only way you'll know is if you get in contact with the mum.

45 minutes each way? That's quite a lot. I had to travel by train about 8 miles, then walk another mile and a half each way. That was exhausting, especially with a heavy school bag.
Could you ask daughter to give your number to her mates mum, or get she permission to share it with you. Then get a feel for how she is, is she resentful, judgemental, is she struggling and it's unfair to take the lift? I'd say start by thanking her and saying you insist on chipping in for petrol money on the days she goes with them.
Could your daughter and a friend walk together to your house a couple days a week, or just one day? If she's getting too tired I'd say you shouldn't push her into walking too much. Would riding a bicycle be better maybe? School is exhausting enough anyway though.

@BobbyBiscuits
She only has to walk home twice a week. Her dad drivers her to school every day and collects her 3 times a week. I think she can manage the walk twice.

Ok the general consensus seems to be that it's coming from a good place and I'd feel better if I talked to the mum. Good point about petrol money, it's only a few minutes drive but if it's several times a week that will add up. I'm unclear exactly where they live and how far out of the way it is.

DD has seen specialists about her legs and there is no major issue. She essentially has weak muscles that she needs to build up via physio, swimming etc. Walking and running are difficult and not the kind of exercise that helps those muscles, but still good for her to keep up for her general stamina.

I've wanted to say hi to the mum, but our house is a way from the road where she drops off and I can't leave DS alone so I'll have to get her phone number or arrange to have them over. DD is very shy and happy with the current arrangement so not particularly keen to ask!

This is a good point, I wouldn't hesitate to help out someone else in the same situation if I could

I don't think she knows I've been ill or that I have to be home for DS. I asked DD if she'd ever explained and she said no, which is why I felt the mum probably just thinks I'm a bit irresponsible. But maybe she knows more than I think, I guess I'll find out if I speak to her

I would be thrilled someone was being so kind. I also am a “lift giver” and as long as I get a thank you I genuinely never mind helping out. 45 minutes is a long walk in her own at 12. My daughter is the same age and I really wouldn’t like it.

Could you not offer for your DH to drop the other girl a few days so you’re not feeling it’s all one sided? It might end up being a good arrangement all round?

we live right at the opposite end of town to the school

Either bus into town and walk from town to home, or walk into town and bus from there to home. 45 minutes walking when you have problems with your legs is far too long. What will happen in winter when it's dark or snowing? You need to find something different.

@WarshipRocinante yes, I was saying once or twice. Maybe if she had her mate with her it would be less boring, tiring etc? But OP said her daughter had some sort of issue with her legs, so I guess I just thought they shouldn't push her to do too much.

When DD is dropped off you need to go out and thank the mum, it pissed me off when I do kind things for a period of time and parents don’t even bother to greet me or say a quick thank you!

I agree, there is definitely a tendency to jump on posters who get facts wrong etc. Not sure why!

Could she cycle, partly on pavements if need be?

I'd speak to the mum. Explain she mustn't feel obliged and check she's comfortable with it. And thank her for doing so and offer petrol .

My dd did 30 min walk sometimes a local mum would give her a lift but we couldn't because we worked. I thanked her but didn't offer money as they were going that way anyway and my dd could walk.

Why don't you, get her number and you can offer to pick her daughter up and drop her in the mornings as your H is already doing that?

She'd probably be thankful for the offer.

I agree good idea to offer to pick the other mum’s DD up on the days your DH picks up your DD up. Then you’re both helping each other.

I think that's a really long walk for her. She's walking alone, has trouble with her legs and just not something I would make my child do at her age. You need to get in contact with the mother and check if you can make some arrangement/ payment if she is happy to help out. I'm with the other mother op, I would feel awful making her walk especially as she's alone. What does she do when the weather is awful?

How have you not even spoken to this mum when she drops off? Surely doing the normal thing would be to speak to her first instead of asking MN to guess?

Walking and running are difficult and not the kind of exercise that helps those muscles, but still good for her to keep up for her general stamina.

Walking and running will strengthen the muscles that she needs to walk and run.

Cyclists should be on the road or designated cycle paths, not on footpaths.

@namechange0998776554799000 Is the other mother going out if her way?

I'd write a note to the mum inviting her to pop into yours for a coffee when she drops your daughter off so you can meet and thank her personally. Then you can explain about having to be home for your son and that you've been ill. She's doing a nice thing and probably isn't judging your parenting at all.

Offer petrol money?

I expect other mum doesn't mind. I wouldn't.

If i said "i dont like you walking yourself" it would be to reassure the person i dont mind giving a lift and make sure they dont feel it is any bother not a reflection on parenting.

I would try and see other mum to say thanks and offer for dh to pick up her dd some days.