To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

I think you need to find a way to get outside and thank this mum when she drops DD off. And then you can explain as much or as little about the reason you can't collect. I would also offer to run her child into school in return some of the time. I'd not really be happy someone dropping off my DD every day I'd never met or spoken to.

Walking 45 mins alone vs getting a lift with a mate. I know what most teenagers would choose.

I’d just leave it as it is. She’s walking around school during the day and doing PE. I’ve given kids lifts home plenty of times and don’t expect parents to be involved at secondary school.

Maybe encourage your daughter to have a walk after school, send her on a walk to the shop for something and then do things on the weekend which help her muscles and build stamina.

I've got her number and texted to say thank you, explained our situation, offered petrol money, and said she shouldn't feel obligated. I never get the chance to thank her in purpose because she's gone by the time DD gets to the door.

Lots of questions about DD's legs: it's actually her knees (I was trying to be vague to avoid being outed but never mind!). As a toddler she always sat with her legs bent backwards in a W shape no matter how much we corrected her. By 3 or 4 her legs looked bowed and I took her to the GP who laughed at me and refused a referral so we eventually went private when she complained her knees were hurting. The consultant did lots of investigations and concluded that there was nothing fundamentally wrong but the muscles on the inside of her knees are less developed than the ones on the outside, so her knees roll inwards. She's also hyper mobile. She had physio and the recommendation was that she try to build up the muscles through specific exercises and swimming. Walking doesn't help to build up these specific muscles and her knees do genuinely hurt if she walks for a long time, so it's not something she needs to do but equally not something they discouraged.

I've got her number and texted to say thank you, explained our situation, offered petrol money, and said she shouldn't feel obligated.

Great! Let us know what she says.

To be honest it bothers me you think it’s ok for a 12 years old girl to walk home 45 m. it’s dark in the winter too so completely unsafe IMO . I think this mum feels the same way . Can you not arrange transport as school bus or taxis ?
I imagine this mum thinks the same . She might not be judging you , maybe she understands you have a special needs child etc but she is trying to keep your child safe .

How many miles away is the school, and is it your nearest school? I'm wondering if your daughter isn't entitled to home to school transport anyway.

Doesn't she get enough opportunities to build up stamina through walking around the school site and school games/PE etc plus any physio and swimming that she is doing from home?

It's not that far but with a condition I see that might be harder some days. Is there a bus? Could she cycle.or use a scooter?

I've had a lovely reply and feel much better about it all now! Thanks for all the advice and opinions

Where is it dark in winter at 3.30pm? Unless the school is on Shetland Islands I doubt it is dark when she walks home. "Completely unsafe" in what sense? What specifically would you be worried about?

It is where I live in Scotland . And yes 45 minutes is way to long for a teen to be alone on the streets

and yet, you don't seem to be able to articulate why it is too long or "completely unsafe"... It's ok to say you are irrationally anxious about it. It's not OK to judge a parent who doesn't feel the same way.

How is it too long? What time limit is suitable for a teenager to be alone on the streets? Does it suddenly get more dangerous after 20 minutes or something?

OP, now that you say that its knees I can see why its hard for her to walk, walking is hard when you've got knee problems. Hope they get stronger soon with the physio and swimming.

Because a lot can happen , because most teens won’t feel safe walking alone that long , because statistically most teens are sexually harassed a few times during their life and walking alone makes them a target .

Darkening in Glasgow by 3.30 in mid winter. There's no way I'd be allowing a child to walk that distance alone even if it.was lighter.

Fair enough if it’s some rough part of Glasgow, but most places are safe for 45 mins in the mid/late afternoon, even if it’s dark.

I don't think it's an unusually long walk, we'll it isn't here, mine have about a 35 minute walk and ds1&2 were about an hours walk from their secondary school

I don't drive so they don't have a choice, even the youngest who has some issues with his legs, obviously your dd may struggle more than my ds but sometimes there's no choice but for children to walk

This side discussion is pointless: but the OP’s statement that the DD’s leg problems are not cured by the walk, and may be exacerbated by it (or at any rate she will experience pain without strengthening the relevant muscles) feels important.

The child sounds hypermobile, perhaps with low muscle tone or a connective tissue disorder. Targeted exercise rather than thr 45 minute walks make more sense.

Very well said.

Well done. Let her be dropped by this friend's mum. Meanwhile your dd can do physio and swimming to build the muscles. Swimming is also good for stamina.

You have no sympathy with the child even after Op's update. Noone is judging Op and even if there was a bit of judging, daughter's needs are more important than OP's need for validation/ non judgement.

I do wonder, when people talk in a blasé manner about hour long walks to and from school what happens when they have a tuba or a cricket bag to carry. Or a two foot model of burg el khalifa. Or if it's pouring with rain. Or if they have a rehearsal, or a detention. Or if they've done a sponsored walk or played in a match. Or are a little bit unwell, or have a minor injury.

when people talk in a blasé manner about hour long walks to and from school what happens when they have a tuba or a cricket bag to carry. Or a two foot model of burg el khalifa

They walk and carry a tuba or a cricket bag or a two foot model of burg el khalifa.

Or if it's pouring with rain

Then they put their hood up

Or if they have a rehearsal

Then they might get a lift off a friends parent, with much thanks and gratitude. Or if its really too late I'd walk in myself and we'd both walk back together.

or a detention

Its only an hour later, so they would definitely be walking!

Or if they've done a sponsored walk or played in a match

Walk

Or are a little bit unwell, or have a minor injury

Then they walk, or maybe a taxi. Rarely.

Has your DD ever had a Biomechanical Assessment by Podiatry? If she has hypermobile knees that roll inwards, there's a good chance she needs Orthotics, they could really help her pain and limit any future issues

Has she got a bike? I'd get her cycling to and from school which would help build the leg muscles as well.