To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

Op please investigate the issue with your daughters knees further, long walks could be making things worse, please go to a specialist Rheumatologist.

I'm glad you have had a nice reply from the mother. Regarding your dd's knees, I had similar problems as a child. I didn't find physio helpful and it made things worse if anything. I think she should see an orthotist.

The main question is does the child enjoy walking the 45min?

I would not be willing to walk 45min to/from work several times a week. I don't have a car either so this is not about weather or safety or carrying stuff. 45min is a long time and I would hate it. Can she cycle or is there alternative transportation? I see you contacted the parent which is good.

Such a nice outcome!

I don’t think a 45 minute walk is excessive but I have two grandchildren and I was shocked at the weight of the 12 year olds backpack that she takes to and from school. She has to collect her younger sister from primary as well so she probably does walk for over 30 minutes. These kids will all end up with back problems. I don’t understand why they don’t have lockers so they don’t have to cart everything to and from school, just what is needed for homework.

you’re recovering from cancer. If a friend of one of my kids had been in that situation and it was no bother for me, I’d have been happy to take them home.

An invite for coffee would be appreciated, I expect.

Hope all goes well for you.

Oh sorry just seen 45 mins, I must admit that is quite far
Are you joking? That was my walk to high school twice a day from 11years. Ds 1 and 2 was 1 hour 10 mins although I picked them up on Fridays. They walked with their mates who live near by.
If it was ovwe an hour and half I would say that was far.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

OP if I offer a child a lift home from school then that's on me. I don't feel comfortable leaving my Yr 7 daughter's friends to walk home by themselves so often get a knock on the car window if that's the case. I'd much much prefer be the person they will turn to when they're shattered/lonely than save a quid or two on petrol.

Parents are busy, and I've never thought that they've abandoned/neglected their kids by having them walk, but I feel like I'm lucky enough to have a job where I get to be there. Happy to make myself useful and I have never once expected their parents to thank me/get in touch. It's my choice.

Don't overthink, you have never expected it, or asked for it. It's not a big deal.

It's not too far to walk and it is good for her but if she's offered and accepted I'd keep your nose out and let her handle it.

So you are suggesting that a parent of a 12 year old should sit back and let the child make all her own decisions and "keep .. nose out"
It is a parent's responsibility to keep her child safe, and that means from her own decisions too
While in this case, I would suggest that accepts the help, it would be sensible to get to know the mum, and say thank you.

If it helps, my mum used to do this for one of my school friends. This school friend would walk to and from school from at least about Y3/4 and one time she did actually get hit by a car - no major injuries, but she still continued walking alone after this. My mum used to worry for her so she just gave lifts whenever she spotted her and this continued well into high school. My mum never judged - it was for her own peace of mind and she didn’t at all mind doing it. She knew her circumstances were different - she was a stay at home mum for the most part and this girl’s parents both worked full time.

If you’re feeling anxious about it why don’t you get to know this mum and maybe arrange with her on the days your DH does pick up that he drops her DD home as well? Then you’re both helping each other out

This 100% Why hasn't OP reached out to the mum to thank her? Or even arrange something where you can take turns with the school run.
I live in a safe area but there's no way I'd let a 12 year old walk 45 mins in the dark alone. Until recently it's been dark quite early.

She did so now.

Can DD cycle? That would make the journey home a lot quicker and give DD some independence. If the roads are quiet around you as you say it could be a great solution. If DD is not confident in cycling, schools/the council would probably offer free bikeability training

YABVVVU To allow a 12yr old little child to walk home alone or to get into someone's car whom you don't know yourself. I realise we all did each of these things not just at this age but often much younger when we were kids but life was very, very different back then. Farrrr less people for a start, far less cars on the road also.

Please see attached to see evidence of the child abduction numbers increasing. Yes, I realise a percentage of these will be by people known to the child but the fact is, the numbers are increasing. Every year.
As for the numbers of children be knocked over increasing year on year, well we all know that. Evidence isn’t required.

A twelve year old is hardly a little child, and would be very offended at being so described

Little child? My 12 year old is 6'1 and perfectly able to walk to secondary to secondary school and back, they need some independence!

Your child abduction table is just scare mongering and I say that as someone who works for the crown court and sees all sorts of awful things. Children need to be able to have some freedom and walking to school isn't something that you should restrict if they are able

As for being knocked over, they need to be taught road safety from a young age imo, many aren't because people drive everywhere. Also ear pods, my dc don't use head phones unless it's in the house

12 year olds aren't little children, and you do them a disservice if you don't allow them some independence. You think you are keeping them safe but you are just setting up problems for the future, and negatively affecting their mental health.

The vast majority of child abductions are by one of the parents - being abducted by a stranger is extremely rare.

It's very unusual for a 12 year old to be 6ft1 though. Being tall does make it easier to be seen by cars, and to get a better view yourself. Mine is small for his age and really would be hard to see when he goes to cross the road. Also an awful area with gazillions of parked cars and rat runs making it less safe again.

@EnglishBluebell the girl is getting a lift from her friends mum. It's not exactly a complete stranger.
Don't be ridiculous.

@EnglishBluebell "YABVVVU To allow a 12yr old little child to walk home alone or to get into someone's car whom you don't know yourself. I realise we all did each of these things not just at this age but often much younger when we were kids but life was very, very different back then. Farrrr less people for a start, far less cars on the road also. "

For my own sanity, I have decided to think this is irony.