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Original poster

To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

248 replies

namechange0998776554799000 · 30/04/2024 08:46

DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 30/04/2024 21:50

In a similar position. Rather than getting her to walk home twice a week, perhaps build her walking stamina up by dh dropping her slightly further from school/ picking up further from school so she walks a little further each day but building up to it rather than just twice a week 45 min. It sounds like the other mother is lovely and may become a friend for you too.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 02:01

GreigeO · 30/04/2024 20:55

when people talk in a blasé manner about hour long walks to and from school what happens when they have a tuba or a cricket bag to carry. Or a two foot model of burg el khalifa

They walk and carry a tuba or a cricket bag or a two foot model of burg el khalifa.

Or if it's pouring with rain

Then they put their hood up

Or if they have a rehearsal

Then they might get a lift off a friends parent, with much thanks and gratitude. Or if its really too late I'd walk in myself and we'd both walk back together.

or a detention

Its only an hour later, so they would definitely be walking!

Or if they've done a sponsored walk or played in a match

Walk

Or are a little bit unwell, or have a minor injury

Then they walk, or maybe a taxi. Rarely.

I've been the child who had a long trek home from school.

Somehow I avoided scoliosis, but my sisters didn't.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2024 02:06

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2024 19:45

This side discussion is pointless: but the OP’s statement that the DD’s leg problems are not cured by the walk, and may be exacerbated by it (or at any rate she will experience pain without strengthening the relevant muscles) feels important.

The child sounds hypermobile, perhaps with low muscle tone or a connective tissue disorder. Targeted exercise rather than thr 45 minute walks make more sense.

Yes indeed to this, and I agree with your 'forgotten child' post too.

Walking is going to do her more harm than good, and it is lovely for her that someone has noticed her difficulty and taken the trouble to ease her situation.

I'd get hypermobility investigated. It can be related to Ehlers Danlos.

MariaLuna · 01/05/2024 02:18

Make contact with mum, meet up for coffee. I would offer to pay a contribution for petrol if she is happy to keep the arrangement but insist that your daughter walks home at least once a week.

I'd do this too.

Sorry about your cancer diagnosis OP. That must be so hard. Wishing you all the best.

Catza · 01/05/2024 07:00

Redpaisely · 30/04/2024 20:10

You have no sympathy with the child even after Op's update. Noone is judging Op and even if there was a bit of judging, daughter's needs are more important than OP's need for validation/ non judgement.

Show quote history

The poster I replied to was judging OP. She was taken aback by the sheer thought that a parent could think 45 min walk was OK.
The OP gave reasons for her daughter to walk, she explained that decision was made that she needs it not only for practical considerations but also to develop strength and stamina. It is not my place to say "poor child" when it is the child's parents who know what is best in the long run.

AppleCrumbCake · 01/05/2024 07:45

Can your husband drop her half way in the morning?

SummerFeverVenice · 01/05/2024 16:13

OP. If you do decide to try any of the suggestions that have your DD walking ‘to build stamina’ please please clear it with the physio. Even if it is ok, they may need to adjust her other exercises so she doesn’t end up over doing things and causing joint injury. As they have recommended swimming, imho because it is zero impact exercise with little stress on her knee joints, it is very possible to build stamina by doing more swimming and that may be a safer route for her to increase her physical fitness than walking miles.

OldPerson · 01/05/2024 18:39

I'd have kittens if my daughter was walking alone for 45 minutes to or from school. Surely in winter that also means she's walking in darkness?

My kids have only ever lived 10-15min walk from school - but even then, they were only allowed to walk by themselves if they were part of the main crowd walking to/from school.

If it was breakfast club or an afterschool activity - they got dropped off or collected or went to a friend's house.

I'd be that mum offering to drive the child home.

But if OP is feeling an imbalance, maybe offer to drop offs/collections for school trips or to friends parties, and invite new friend over to play once in a while.

AllyArty · 01/05/2024 19:23

She sees you have a lot on, and wants to do her bit. Maybe buy her flowers/a plant or invite her in for a cuppa if u can. Good luck with your recovery.

Morganrae1 · 01/05/2024 19:43

Why not meet the mum and suggest that on the days you someone does pick your daughter up you take the other girl as well. That way everyone gets a break and you'll feel less guilty.

pineapplesundae · 01/05/2024 19:49

Walking 45 minutes with a book bag, by yourself is not fun at all and such a miserable thing to look forward to. I suggest don’t rock the boat. Maybe buy mom some chocolates and exchange phone numbers.

ftp · 01/05/2024 20:24

Sadsadworld · 30/04/2024 08:53

Maybe invite them mum and friend in for coffee after they drop her next time? Then see how you feel?

Or perhaps, if you can, invite the other child in for food and take her home when DH returns?

Scunnered123 · 01/05/2024 21:00

Could she walk home from friends house to yours, that way you don't need to worry about putting the mum out?

Jeannie88 · 01/05/2024 21:07

May well be the Mum knows you've had a lot on your plate and is just being nice? Could she drive her half way so your DD walks the rest to keep up her stamina? She could keep in touch with her friend and you while walking? X

AngeloMysterioso · 01/05/2024 21:19

I find it quite sad that you seem so unbothered about the fact that you expect your daughter to walk an hour and a half to school and back even though she struggles with walking and it causes her pain.

azlazee1 · 01/05/2024 23:24

I see nothing wrong with your DD friends Mom to give her a lift. You seem to be super imposing what you think this woman might feel about your parenting, without knowing her at all. It would seem weird to me if the woman didn't offer a ride, especially if she was going the same direction. If she is going out of her way, them maybe the petrol offer would be nice. I agree with others that you meet the Mom and hopefully come to feel more comfortable about the arrangement. Just wondering if DD could go for walks in your neighborhood instead of walking home alone from school. Just a thought.....

Redpaisely · 02/05/2024 07:47

GreigeO · 30/04/2024 20:55

when people talk in a blasé manner about hour long walks to and from school what happens when they have a tuba or a cricket bag to carry. Or a two foot model of burg el khalifa

They walk and carry a tuba or a cricket bag or a two foot model of burg el khalifa.

Or if it's pouring with rain

Then they put their hood up

Or if they have a rehearsal

Then they might get a lift off a friends parent, with much thanks and gratitude. Or if its really too late I'd walk in myself and we'd both walk back together.

or a detention

Its only an hour later, so they would definitely be walking!

Or if they've done a sponsored walk or played in a match

Walk

Or are a little bit unwell, or have a minor injury

Then they walk, or maybe a taxi. Rarely.

Some tough parent there

Redpaisely · 02/05/2024 07:48

AngeloMysterioso · 01/05/2024 21:19

I find it quite sad that you seem so unbothered about the fact that you expect your daughter to walk an hour and a half to school and back even though she struggles with walking and it causes her pain.

I agree

Needanewname42 · 02/05/2024 08:13

AngeloMysterioso · 01/05/2024 21:19

I find it quite sad that you seem so unbothered about the fact that you expect your daughter to walk an hour and a half to school and back even though she struggles with walking and it causes her pain.

Your being a bit harsh.
What's Ops alternative?
She needs to be home for the younger child.
The DH is working- somebody needs to work earn money pay the bills.

Ops just recovering from cancer treatment. May not be 100% herself.

What else is she meant to do?

rainbowstardrops · 02/05/2024 08:48

I'm glad you've made contact with the other mum now. As your DH picks her up 2/3 times a week, could he pick the friend up on those days so that the other mum isn't doing it all?
I wouldn't be happy for my 12 year old daughter to be walking alone for 45 minutes, especially as it makes her knees painful.
I also agree with others that I'd feel pretty pushed aside (nothing you can particularly do about that) if she's seen you unwell and the fact you have to stay in for her brother.

ButterCrackers · 02/05/2024 09:00

This person should have asked you first about doing lifts on such a regular basis. I find it overbearing that she didn’t contact you. It’s a nice action but it’s wrong that she didn’t first contact you to say would your dad like a lift as it’s no trouble. You would have replied as you have done now and offered petrol money. It’s the bypassing you that makes me feel uncomfortable about the arrangement. Follow your doctors advice about exercise for your dd. A walk back could be good and 45mins is not a long walk imho.

TravellingT · 02/05/2024 10:12

Would it be possible for you to wait till your DS arrives home, then drive to DD? I'm sure the school could provide a safe area for her to wait in. Or you could meet her half way? Understandable if the timing wouldn't work- just thought I'd suggest it

Psipsinas · 02/05/2024 10:13

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/04/2024 09:04

When you say she has trouble with her legs, what does that mean? Would she be better off on a bike?

That's a good idea 💡

Retro12 · 02/05/2024 12:04

I would contact the mum and suggest that on the days your DH picks up your DD, let him take her daughter home.

Needanewname42 · 02/05/2024 12:24

Retro12 · 02/05/2024 12:04

I would contact the mum and suggest that on the days your DH picks up your DD, let him take her daughter home.

Actually that's a really good suggestion.