To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

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DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

What a terrible thing to say. You have no idea what's the matter with her.

I would take the lift on the face of it as something I would do myself to help her daughters friend out. I wouldn't judge or wonder about the parents as I would probably assume working/ younger children.

She could keep stamina by walking local in the evening.?

No doubt your daughters friend has told her mum you’ve been ill and done the whole ‘mum don’t bring it up‘.
I think she probably does know and is trying to be helpful and it comes from a place of sympathy for you.

@Catza and she would carry these wellies with her all day?
I know rain doesn't harm anyone but it's not a 'for fun' activity. Poor kid could be walking 45 minutes in a bloody deluge - I would be miserable and I love walking in the rain.

I wouldn't have my 12 year old daughter (if I had one!) walking any part of a journey alone in the dark. However 'safe' the area is.

I'd certainly be contacting this mum at the very least to thank her. We used to have a year 7 friend of my DDs stay over nearly every weekend and I never heard from her parents, I found that incredibly strange and very rude.

Do you drive yourself? if so is it possible for you to get the taxi to drop your son at your DD's school and bring them home from there? 45 minutes is a long walk for a young girl, especially in the winter months and if her legs are weak.

45 minutes and she has bad legs? assuage your guilt by at least paying the mum, or getting her a thank you gift now and again.

45 minutes is a long way after school in uniform with bags.

The OP said it was investigated and they found nothing and she has been told to use her legs.

but school shoes are shit for walking in and if your legs hurt etc.

I wonder if DD feels a bit meh though, if mum can't even leave DS for a minute to say "hi" and "thanks" to the other mum.

If her son actually got a place in a special school, I think that says enough about the level of care and support he must need as those places are like gold dust now. So no, he probably cannot be left at all.

I would not be encouraging her to accept a lift every day. Can she catch a bus part way home?. With her 'weak muscles ', it sounds like she could do with more exercise and 45 mins really isn't far for a 12 yr old.

Except that ISN'T what she said.

What she said was, "DD has seen specialists about her legs and there is no major issue. She essentially has weak muscles that she needs to build up via physio, swimming etc."

'No major issue' is not the same as "nothing wrong" - the NHS certainly doesn't provide physio for people who don't need it.

"No major issue" rules out major illnesses like rheumatoid or osteo arthritis, or degenerative diseases. All it means is that the issue that IS there is treatable. With physio and certain types of exercise. Which the OP said.

And you've not only misread or misunderstood, you've been very unpleasant in your misunderstanding too.

Bravo.

Send a note through your daughter, thanking her and explaining the situation. Offer to drop back her daughter twice a week.

no i get that. But i do wonder if the legs are a slight reaction to that? Teenage me would have been all over the "wah wah you do it all for him" attitude

That is a very long walk to do after a long day of school with a full bookbag to carry. It will sabotage any desire she may have to do sports at school as well.

It also may be risky during the darker months when it is full night before she can get home. Our head teacher changed our uniform from white polo shirts and any colour coat to mandatory navy blazer and a Yr7 child was struck and killed by a car walking home of an evening last November. She also abolished lockers so children are not able to take coats to school. Many parents are coming forward with stories of near misses and demanding the uniform change be reversed. Headteacher is now under a lot of pressure.

I would get the mums’ number and start chatting with her. No need to get to know her in person first.

Also, recalling when I was in physio doing exercise above and beyond what is recommended - in this case walking was not recommended- can actually make your condition worse or cause an injury requiring yet more physio.

When it comes to even a minor issue, extra exercise can be the absolute worst thing you can do.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. When my DD was starting a school a mum who lived nearby whose DD was also starting offered to take DD with her and her DD in the car to and from school every day. I said no. That kind of thing might start alright but its bound to cause annoyance and resentment on the part of the person giving lifts eventually.
I would speak to the other mum, explain that its really not necessary but if she wants to give lifts sometimes you'd be happy to give some petrol money or something like that.

It would be good for your DD to walk once a week at least though, to increase her stamina. Perhaps check with her physio first though.

I was going to say, I thought the original post was going in the direction of "what's the best/most appropriate way to thank the mum who is doing all this and clearly cares about my child" but apparently not.

@Natsku "That kind of thing might start alright but it's bound to cause annoyance and resentment on the part of the person giving lifts eventually."

Only on Mumsnet, where giving a lift somewhere you're going to anyway is considered on a par with giving a kidney.

Send DD to school with a thank you card in an envelope, addressed to the friend's mum, and convey your appreciation for the lifts and apologies for not contacting her directly but you don't have her number. Write your name and number in the card and ask her to call you. Tell DD to be sure to give this woman the card when she gets into the car.

I think 45 minutes, carrying a bag, is too much for a girl of 12, especially when walking isn't the recommended exercise for her leg problems. Walking alone makes her an easy target for harassment or worse. If stamina is a problem, buy a treadmill she can use at home in safety and without a book bag weighing her down.

YYY to this.

I think you are kidding yourself when you say it’s about building stamina especially since you say it would be ok if it was one of your friends.
The reality is you feel embarrassed. It’s ok for you to accept this help for your daughter you have a lot on your plate

Perhaps just me but 45 minutes walk seems fine to me and good exercise to build stamina even if not specific physio. I walked that distance to school and back as did my DDs (from age 10) so I don't understand why some think it's too far or they wouldn't like their dc doing it. If she physically couldn't that's different but twice a week seems a good balance.

As far as the other mum, that's lovely of her and it's always good to say thank you but I wouldn't be too pushy at getting you dd to facilitate you meeting her for coffee or whatever. I have lifts to other kids quite a bit but would feel more awkward if the parent then wanted to make it an arrangement because you then feel obliged.

This.

Nothing to add to the advice you have already received on the etiquette here but in relation to your DD's legs - has she been assessed by a physio for hyper mobility?

I want to add that in many ways OP’s daughter is the “forgotten child” in a family with many other stressors and ill people whose needs must be considered. The brother with serious special needs who can’t be left for a minute. The mother in recovery from a year of cancer. The father and mother both working.

OP’s daughter has a difficult job: going to school, dealing with her own health issues, and not rocking the boat or making too many demands for attention.

This family is under stress for sure. But how about this little girl’s situation? No wonder she prefers being fussed over and driven home by a friends mother. Her needs are being put first, for once.