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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be conflicted about DD getting lifts home from school?

248 replies

namechange0998776554799000 · 30/04/2024 08:46

DD is 12, in Y7. We live a 45 minute walk from school. DH drives her to school in the morning and picks her up 2-3 times a week, but the rest of the time she has to walk. She's on her own as all her friends live in the opposite direction. I can't pick her up because I have to be home for DS to be dropped off in his taxi from special school. DD has trouble with her legs and finds the walk home challenging, especially since her school is very big with lots of walking between classes. We work it so that DH picks her up on days she's had PE at least.

The last few weeks her friend's mum has started giving her a lift home. At first it was just occasionally and I was thrilled. Then it became a bit more often and I started to feel guilty that it was putting this mum out of her way and she might be feeling pressured by her daughter to give DD a lift. Now, it's become every single time and DD just told me the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen!

We live in a reasonably safe town, no very busy roads, no very rural areas, low crime rates. I admit I would prefer if she wasn't alone, but we live right at the opposite end of town to the school (no closer ones, and we can't move house) and no one we know lives in this direction. Many secondary school children do walk home, although most probably shorter distances and with friends.

The friend is a new one since September so I don't know her, and I don't know the mum. We haven't been able to socialise because I've had cancer for the last year, but I am starting to recover now so I suppose the next step is to try and get to know her or at least meet the daughter.

On the one hand I'm very grateful that DD has a safe way of getting home. On the other hand, we wanted her to build up her stamina by walking home at least once or twice a week. I'm worried that if this mum suddenly can't give her a lift for whatever reason, she'll struggle to get back into walking (which we had been building up gradually since September). I also feel like this mum must be judging me on my terrible parenting, since she clearly doesn't think it's safe or fair for DD to be walking, which of course makes me feel guilty, because she's probably right, but I have no choice. We always wanted to move closer to the school but it's been a terrible few years.

Would this bother you or am I overthinking it? Should I just be grateful and leave it at that? DD is thrilled at not having to walk and to be honest if it was one of my friends giving her a lift because I'd asked them to, I'd be thrilled too. I feel like I need to just embrace it but I'm feeling really uncomfortable with it and wondering if other people would too?

OP posts:
exomoon · 30/04/2024 10:55

I would keep taking the lifts, but, yes, do get in touch with the mum.

Reassure her that if she ever wants to stop the lifts then you will not mind at all.

Offer petrol money.

Take round flowers/chocolates every couple of months.

Invite the girl over for a playdate.

huuskymam · 30/04/2024 11:08

Maybe as your daughter to get her number and give her a text or call thanking her and explaining why you can't do it, and let her know that she shouldn't feel she has to do it. She probably doesn't know your home situation and wonders why dd is left to walk.

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/04/2024 11:35

45 minutes is a long walk at the end of a long day for a 12 year old. What happens when it's dark or raining? I wouldn't be comfortable with a young girl walking that far alone - safe area or not.

Invite the mum in and explain. Offer money. Find ways as a family to build stamina through walking. I feel sorry for your daughter. It's a long way.

Peonies12 · 30/04/2024 11:38

StopStartStop · 30/04/2024 09:15

It's too far, she's too young. I don't like strangers intervening but a 'safe' mum is better than random taxi drivers. Don't have her bike on the roads, ever. It's not safe for the lycra bikers, never mind for little children. I know, I know, my twelve year old dgd is taller than me, but I still wouldn't want her to do it.

Do you know this woman who gives lifts? Are you feeling criticised for not being there for your daughter? Definitely talk to her, thank her, ask how she feels about it. If she doesn't want to go forward giving lifts, make proper and secure arrangements for your dd. A forty-five minute walk home alone is too much.

Edited

Ridiculous comment-45 min walk one way only is fine. No wonder there’s an obesity and climate crisis.
OP I’d be encouraging the walking, it’s good for mental and physical health. But do see if she could cycle

rainbowunicorn · 30/04/2024 11:44

A 45 min walk to school isn't unusual where I live. There is a bus but a huge number of kids choose to walk both ways. I don't think the distance is a problem normally. However if your daughter is struggling with her legs it may be too much for her.

GreigeO · 30/04/2024 12:01

My DD walks 45mins each way to school and back and has done since she was 11. Its pretty much the only exercise she gets. There's a few that walks that far.

I would be put out by the parent saying the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen I would see that as quite insulting - is she implying that you don't care what could happen, as opposed to you having made a perfectly sensible risk assessment? I would be concerned she is passing on an unhelpful approach to risk, along with a tendency to inactivity to your daughter, without even having consulted with you.

The only way I would be happy with this would be if my DD had a lot out physical activity such as sports/dance clubs outside of school.

Tohaveandtohold · 30/04/2024 12:17

45 minutes is not that far, especially now when it’s bright outside. During winter or when it’s raining however, a 12 year old walking alone in dark with her legs that hurt does not sound all that safe and I’ll be grateful to the mum and get to know her basically.
Otherwise, I’ll try options like
Teaching DD to get a bus, even if the bus will just take her to a place closer to your house so she doesn’t have to work far.
If you drive, you can tell her to stay at school in the library, doing extra curricular activities, etc so that you can pick her up after your DS is home or till dad can pick her up.
When DD1 goes to secondary school, we’ll have this dilemma as well as I work out of the house on 2 days and school is far away, ( there’s a dual carriage way that does not make walking safe) so she’ll have to do some extra curricular on those days till either myself or dad can pick her. The younger ones go to asc anyway

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2024 12:28

GreigeO · 30/04/2024 12:01

My DD walks 45mins each way to school and back and has done since she was 11. Its pretty much the only exercise she gets. There's a few that walks that far.

I would be put out by the parent saying the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen I would see that as quite insulting - is she implying that you don't care what could happen, as opposed to you having made a perfectly sensible risk assessment? I would be concerned she is passing on an unhelpful approach to risk, along with a tendency to inactivity to your daughter, without even having consulted with you.

The only way I would be happy with this would be if my DD had a lot out physical activity such as sports/dance clubs outside of school.

What if it is insulting? The lift giving mother has no reason to know anything about this family other than that no one picks this child up, rain or shine, after school. She noticed! She noticed a 12 year old trudging hime. Isn’t this what we want from community? To notice and care?

Horsesontheloose · 30/04/2024 12:31

Yes, I get why you would feel uncomfortable and judged. I would too. Tricky one really, and not one I think you will come out on top with if you try to change things. On balance I would carry on with your three day a week lifts, perhaps offer the other girl a lift home on those days as a reciprocal thing? If not, thank the other mum for her kindness and say not to feel she has too. My daughter walks 35 mins to school and has done since 12. It is good exercise and a good way to decompress after the day.

RachelGreensFlair · 30/04/2024 12:32

If this was posted in reverse you’d be called a CF on here so I’d make a point to ask for the mums number to at least offer a contribution to her fuel etc.

arfnaror · 30/04/2024 12:33

I would ask your DD to get her phone number then maybe call for a chat and offer her some regular petrol money or something as a thank you.

Londonrach1 · 30/04/2024 12:34

Phone the mum and ask her around.

Thecatisannoying · 30/04/2024 12:36

GreigeO · 30/04/2024 12:01

My DD walks 45mins each way to school and back and has done since she was 11. Its pretty much the only exercise she gets. There's a few that walks that far.

I would be put out by the parent saying the mum said she couldn't bear the thought of DD walking such a long way home because she was so worried at what might happen I would see that as quite insulting - is she implying that you don't care what could happen, as opposed to you having made a perfectly sensible risk assessment? I would be concerned she is passing on an unhelpful approach to risk, along with a tendency to inactivity to your daughter, without even having consulted with you.

The only way I would be happy with this would be if my DD had a lot out physical activity such as sports/dance clubs outside of school.

I agree with this. It turns an act of kindness into one of judgement.

rookiemere · 30/04/2024 12:40

I would definitely get the DMs number and message her to say thank you and explain the situation. Check that it's not too far out of her way - a compromise could be that she drops DD partway to avoid her doing a detour- and offer her petrol money.

If it's all good, I would encourage DD to ask her friend round for the occasional paid for day out.

We had a similar situation except there was a perfectly good bus that DS could take, it just involved a bit of a long walk after rugby. It turned out taking DS was taking them out of their way, so instead he got a lift to where they lived and got the bus from there which avoided the walk. It was all highly embarrassing to sort out Blush.

rookiemere · 30/04/2024 12:42

I missed a few recent messages. We felt judged a bit about the lift's thing thing as well, but there was no way we could be there, and thought it was reasonable enough for a 13 year old to walk 15 minutes to a bus.

AliceMcK · 30/04/2024 12:47

I’m that parent who will offer lifts. Many of my DDs friends have been walking home since yrs 3/4. Not huge distances. If it’s raining or cold I will regularly offer lifts. One girl always says no, I’m certain she’s been told she’s not allowed to accept any lifts even if she knows the person, that’s fine I tell my own DDs the same. Others will. It’s no reflection on their parents, they all have different reasons for their DCs walking home and I do know the parents in my case.

I would definitely offer to give lifts to my 12yo friends if they needed them. Again no judgement on the parents.

Needanewname42 · 30/04/2024 12:56

Op I think I'd invite in for a coffee or at least ask for the mums number. Then you can explain the whole situation, and say thanks.

Noseybookworm · 30/04/2024 13:04

Peonies12 · 30/04/2024 11:38

Ridiculous comment-45 min walk one way only is fine. No wonder there’s an obesity and climate crisis.
OP I’d be encouraging the walking, it’s good for mental and physical health. But do see if she could cycle

Show quote history

Agree with this! I used to walk 45 mins to school there and back! Was completely normal then and most people walked to school rain or shine! Different if the OPs daughter has problems walking though.

Catza · 30/04/2024 13:28

Pieceofpurplesky · 30/04/2024 11:35

45 minutes is a long walk at the end of a long day for a 12 year old. What happens when it's dark or raining? I wouldn't be comfortable with a young girl walking that far alone - safe area or not.

Invite the mum in and explain. Offer money. Find ways as a family to build stamina through walking. I feel sorry for your daughter. It's a long way.

Legs still work in the wet and the dark just the same way. 45 min twice a week is not a lot of walking for a child of secondary age. Wellies and rain coats exist and it is usually not dark when they leave school.

tetralaw · 30/04/2024 13:34

Can you get her bike or electric scooter?
Our school is approximately 35 minutes walk, but on bicycle 15-20 minutes max.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 13:36

45 minutes?! Sorry that's quite long surely?!

WarshipRocinante · 30/04/2024 13:51

So… she doesn’t actually have anything wrong with her legs? Because “weak muscles” sounds like a doctor’s way of saying that there isn’t anything wrong and she just needs to use her legs. Kids moan and are lazy. Tell her to pack it in.

WarshipRocinante · 30/04/2024 13:52

tennesseewhiskey1 · 30/04/2024 13:36

45 minutes?! Sorry that's quite long surely?!

It’s probably not actually 45 minutes. It’s 45 minutes of dilly dallying from a 12 year old with “weak muscles” which actually means nothing wrong with her.

WarshipRocinante · 30/04/2024 13:53

AliceMcK · 30/04/2024 12:47

I’m that parent who will offer lifts. Many of my DDs friends have been walking home since yrs 3/4. Not huge distances. If it’s raining or cold I will regularly offer lifts. One girl always says no, I’m certain she’s been told she’s not allowed to accept any lifts even if she knows the person, that’s fine I tell my own DDs the same. Others will. It’s no reflection on their parents, they all have different reasons for their DCs walking home and I do know the parents in my case.

I would definitely offer to give lifts to my 12yo friends if they needed them. Again no judgement on the parents.

Can I ask, why doesn’t your kid walk home?

MorningSunshineSparkles · 30/04/2024 14:07

I wouldn’t let my DC walk 45 mins home from school with a condition that makes walking difficult. Get the girl a bus pass ffs

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