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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and DH feud

637 replies

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/05/2024 23:34

I hope the ops parents are at her house now , having had a lovely dinner with op and the grandchildren, and her Dh has taken himself out of the house to sulk like the judgemental teenager he is.

Bluewater1 · 03/05/2024 23:39

I'm sorry OP but your DH sounds just awful. I would honestly seriously consider leaving him. He is controlling and miserable and is making life harder.

Harry12345 · 03/05/2024 23:56

SloaneStreetVandal · 30/04/2024 09:29

I think you have a point.

I've read both of the OP's posts, and she describes her husband as frugal (maybe they're on a tight budget?). He wouldn't be my cup of tea, but the hysteria about him being an abuser and a bully is quite something!

It's interesting too that most have decided that the OP's Dad excluding his grandson from his 75th birthday meal was entirely acceptable in order to keep the peace, but the OP's Dad being excluded in order to keep the peace is tantamount to murder! Maybe the husband is annoyed on his son's behalf? It's almost certain that there is more to the story than has been described. Personally I think @eveningqueen456 needs to let it go, and just accept that they don't get along.

Show quote history

But the grandad would be happy for his sil to come if he came along happily, clearly over the years he hasn’t and thinks he can dictate where the grandad has his birthday, the husband doesn’t want to include grandad full stop! Your post makes absolutely no sense

thebestinterest · 04/05/2024 05:17

Your husband sounds like a manchild. What a terribly sad life situation for you.

I don’t think I could have been with someone so easily ticked over nonsensical stuff. You say he didn’t expect you to chose, but he did and you did. The fact that you’ve gone about your life for 20yrs without being able to talk to your life partner about the people that gave you life is astounding. Truly, truly astounding.

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 05:58

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Leave him for the good of your current and future family. X

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/05/2024 06:07

How can you better live with this man? How do you have any respect for yourself living with a man who is so awful to your parents?

Sceptical123 · 04/05/2024 06:19

OP won’t come back to this thread now bc she’ll have probably been expecting a lot of comments that advise her how to persuade her FH (FOUL husband) to swallow it for the day for the sake of their son. What she’s received however is 99-100% of posters telling her what a complete and utter shit he is and advising/telling her to leave him. Also criticising her for abandoning her parents by meekly falling into line on his say so. After 20 years she has probably convinced herself this is acceptable to some degree so she has been able to live with it, but 100’s of posters are telling her this is out of order and absurd, and warning her of the further damage it will likely wreak on her and her kids’ relationships in the future. If she doesn’t want to leave him there’s really nothing she can say which won’t be torn apart by attempting to defend him.

But it’s not too late OP - don’t let him ruin another 20 years for God’s sake! He will only get worse and you are allowing him to dictate yours and your children’s lives!

That’s not love.

justasking111 · 04/05/2024 08:15

I expect that @eveningqueen456 has a lot to think about and process. When you've had twenty years of attempted conditioning which you've resisted for yourself at times but otherwise fallen in with. You don't think ahead as to how it will affect your relationship with adult children, but that day does come and it's here now.

On mothers day my youngest was away. So a month later when they were all free, they took me out to dinner sans father. It was lovely he wasn't there to be honest because he'd have driven the conversation.

My eldest said to his face recently that he'd been very strict, husband honestly thought he was a laid back dad. If we had laid back times it was because I'd put my foot down.

Slinky40 · 04/05/2024 09:31

OP your husband is awful and this is NOT normal. You will regret the way he’s treated your lovely parents. Get out of this relationship where you seem to be submissive to his demands - he sounds like a petulant child and you let him get away with it.

Covidwoes · 04/05/2024 10:02

This thread has made me really sad. The thought of the poor OP and her kids being stuck with this man who clearly wants to suck every ounce of joy from life is just, well, depressing.

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 04/05/2024 13:33

My dad was a bit like your DH. I didn't forgive him and I didn't forgive my mother for putting up with it.

justasking111 · 04/05/2024 13:40

SaintVitasShagulaitas · 04/05/2024 13:33

My dad was a bit like your DH. I didn't forgive him and I didn't forgive my mother for putting up with it.

This is my concern going forward

Lackinginspecialskills · 04/05/2024 16:44

I would be interested to hear from the 3% who voted YABU in the poll??

Amumof287 · 04/05/2024 19:35

One day you’re going to feel very sad about how your husband treated your parents and affected your relationship with them. I couldn’t be with a man like this.

Coco1379 · 04/05/2024 19:44

Do you really want to stay married to him? Your parents are likely the most supportive and loving people you will ever meet. They must feel terribly hurt.

Pupinskipops · 04/05/2024 21:15

Gosh, well you're just two very different people with very different values, aren't you? He's not wrong. You're not wrong. You're just both very different.

But your parents were wrong 5 years ago not to invite him and give him the opportunity to decline. That was mean, and it's not surprising he's bitter.

LubyLooTwo · 04/05/2024 21:41

Your husband sounds like a bit of a dick and seems jealous if people who have money. I assume your parents worked hard and are enjoying the benefits of their efforts so if they want to celebrate at a nice venue then fair enough. Brewes Fayre can be pretty poor. I'm sure you and your sister had a nice evenjng without him.

HereToday99 · 04/05/2024 22:10

peebles32 · 29/04/2024 22:23

Mmm, bet your husband has no problem if you get an inheritance from your parents

Yup, exactly what I was thinking. He’s bitter, controlling and jealous, but is perhaps reigning it in just enough to not land himself in a divorce before the payout.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 04/05/2024 22:10

Your husband is a raging snob. How ironic!

Doone22 · 04/05/2024 22:11

eveningqueen456 · 29/04/2024 21:51

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Controlling much? Wtf are you still married for? You need to bloody well ring a peal over his head and make him realise how out of line he is. I can't quite believe you let him do this all these by years. Wtf is it to do with him if your parents want a party or nice meal out.
Get a backbone.

Doone22 · 04/05/2024 22:16

This has really reminded me of the time my 1st husband shouted and complained and whined for a whole week when I wanted to take my child to my mum's for Christmas. I'd missed the year before as he was newborn. It had been "my turn" for ages but the following year he made out I was being a selfish bitch for wanting to go.
That was my mum's last Christmas and I never forgave him.

HereToday99 · 04/05/2024 23:03

Your husband’s totally right—f*ck people who eat in restaurants.

JOKING!

sounds like a massive cahunt.

Vonesk · 05/05/2024 01:27

Oh my god,
This post ( I could be wrong) sounds like theres more to the story.
Like the OP works their butt off, earns Loadsa money, pays HALF of ALL BILLS, including RENT, half the Car, Half school fees. And calls it Equal /fair.
Otherwise. How would DH tolerate Life??????

QuokkaInSpace · 05/05/2024 01:28

OP, I don't believe you answered the question on the first page or so about who was to pay for your dad's 75th. Was everyone meant to pay for themselves or was it to be understood that you'd all chip in and pay for your mum and dad?

Pippetypoppity · 05/05/2024 01:29

He’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s nothing to do with him how someone else spends their birthday. How would he feel if your Dd had told him what to do and where to go for his own birthday? He sounds abysmal Op sorry.

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