Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Also, what will he do if his kids grow up wanting to go on holiday, eat out etc? Will he disown them??

“As for him gloating/threatening that he’ll be able to retire long before you”

This is disgusting of him too. I would prioritise divorce and seek legal advice to try and ensure he doesn’t get any of your parents money in the future.

Because being miserable and grasping is so attractive. I'm with your parents and the rest of the universe. Have a big party. Invite all the guests your son want and if Capt Brewers Fayre gets his knickers in a twist over that then it's only himself who will suffer. If he's the kind who wants to make others suffer for having a celebration you have bigger problems. You know this man. He sounds controlling and mean.

I find this post sad, the OP has accepted that her husband is a miserable, tight old git, always was and always will be
He has told her/shown her that he has no time or respect for her parents or making his children happy with regards to their important celebrations, but she asks Mumsnet is she being unreasonable to accept her husbands behaviour!

Your children should come first
I and loads of parents put the utmost importance on family celebrations, school results, university places, exams, degrees, driving tests and other achievements throughout their formative years

He ought to be ashamed that he doesn’t make his family and their successes, happiness and future memories a priority and something to celebrate
What a miserable old man and what awful memories your children will have of their past

Your DS has one 18th party and invites exactly whom he wants to his party - if that means your DH gets the hump because GPs are invited and doesn't go so be it. I can't abide tightness , I'm not quite sure why you are still with him ?

Enjoy the part

It's your son's party, he should be able to decide for himself who he wants to invite, and if he chooses his grandparents, he has the right to have them there and husband can jog on.

OP beware, the fall out point isn’t going to be your parents, it’s going to be your children - who will undoubtedly grow up and marry other normal people who have fun, dare to go to restaurants, and have happy kind families who also might spend money on holidays and gatherings. And your children will start normal lives of their own and, if they don’t already, will come to despise his judgemental, unpleasant, bigoted crap. And they will stay far away and will keep their children very far away too.

I cannot believe how rude and entitled this man is too. Who the hell would think they get to judge their parents in law on one hand for having too much fun, despise them for it… and still expect them to stop work to give them free childcare?! How can you not utterly despise him OP? He’s utter scum.

inverse snobbery - brilliant- that's exactly right. Making out he's so perfect.
I had a boyfriend once like that.
Him and his 3 siblings brought up in a council house.
My parents worked hard, saved and were lucky enough to buy a 4 bed new build a few years only, before we met.
He called it Snob Hall.
My parents were always lovely to him, especially my mum.
It was ridiculous.
Fast forward 40 odd years and I'm now married to dh. (Also 3 siblings and after his parents divorce lived in a council house) but he couldn't be more different
Loves life and always pleased when people have nice homes/ houses/ holidays and is pleased for them / us.

Exactly, inverse snobbery!

HE’S the only snob, and a really nasty, sneering, angry jealous little one at that.

Looking down his nose at anyone who dares to live differently to the way Mr Working Class Sneer decides is the done thing.

OP your kids are going to hate him when they grow up and realise what a nasty piece of work he is. Cut to the chase now while you can still spend quality time with your parents, get shot of him and don’t let him spoil your times with your children and their families as he’s done with your parents

I still don't understand why you're with him, OP.
Why does he have such a problem with people spending THEIR money?
Does he not earn a lot and is jealous? If he does earn a good wage, what is he doing with all the money he's saving by not indulging, doing fun stuff or buying nice things?

Also, if he's got such a huge problem with the way people spend their money, what is it going to be when it comes to your DC's wedding? For all you know they may want a big flashy event. Are they going to deny themselves of it because they don't want to upset their father? Will he refuse to attend? If your parents are still here and are able to attend their wedding, will be refuse to attend then?

If DC decides to throw a big party for their children, will he choose to sit that out too? There goes the hands-on grandfather he's claiming he'll be.

I know I'm asking a lot of questions here, but you need to ask yourself these things, along with some of the bigger things other PPs have raised.

You and your DC (and parents, actually) deserve better than this. And I think you know that.

FWIW, my husband came from a family more well off than my own, and he is waaaay more stingy with money than myself. Also seems to think I'm always being overly dramatic, so I asked him his opinion on this thread, and even he admitted this is absolutely shocking and pathetic behaviour. You'll be happier without him, you and your kids can go to nice fancy dinners with your parents and your son can dance the night away with grandad 🥳

I imagine you compromise a lot for your DH, maybe in ways you aren't even acknowledging.

You have a DH problem.

I'd let him know how things will be from now on and let him know if he won't agree and grow up, he can move out.

Your DH sounds extremely hard work OP. Your parents haven't actually done anything wrong for him to be so rude.

You say you do what you always want but have you been on family holidays that you want to go on, or was camping your choice? Have you been able to do things with the DC that you have always wanted to do?

This, exactly. Your husband sounds like an insufferable, bitter, miserly, controlling twat. Stop pandering to him. If he doesn't want to join in, let him go off and sulk on his own. Why does he get to dictate the terms of other people's lifestyles, for God's sake?

You are probably going to be able to retire quite comfortably because you more than likely will inherit from your parents.

Horror of horrors she can probably take half his pension (and savings) too. She will be a lot richer and he will be a lot poorer - which should actually make him happier since he hates money. However it will screw up his plans to retire early to look after the non existent grandkids.

Divorce him before he retires OP, especially if he's planning on an early one.

EDIT - pp are asking very good questions. What will happen if your adult children decide on holidays abroad or fancy weddings, or a very nice car? Will he disown them too?

He has never stopped me seeing my parents and I see them fairly regularly but he is so full of hatred for them that he can't be in the same room as them.

How can you even stand to be in the same room as him OP?

He is repulsive. Anyone who was 'full of hatred' towards my parents wouldn't get to spend another day in my life.

Your husband sounds horrible. Have a party with your parents & let him stay home being miserable alone. Who is he to dictate what your father does for his own birthday? And trying to put a dampener on your kids 18th by making him choose between his dad & grandparents? He sounds pretty mean.

I don't like saying this OP but I think your H will very happily spend any money that is left to you by your parents, I don't think he will feel at all squeamish about doing this one bit. I morally feel he doesn't have a right to that money but that's me and it's your marriage and you will do as you will

How would your DH feel if you spoke of his family like he does about yours : criticizing their lifestyle, expressing disapproval on how they spend their money and time, expressing your dislike for them.

Her husband has said he'll retire early because he can afford to. She'll have to carry on working. There's no sharing in the offing.

I recall a neighbour retired headmaster who was like this his wife had to carry on working until she had a large inheritance including a house. She packed her bags, moved out and divorced him. We were all cheering her on. He moaned to his male mates that he couldn't understand why.

Your DH or right, life is too short to spend it with people you don't like, I hope he includes himself in that's scenario. Imagine your life in a few years OP, your parents are gone, your children have flown the nest, do you really want to spend your middle age with such a tight arse who doesn't know how to enjoy himself.

This is so, so sad to read. I so hope you leave this man. Once your parents are dead you will regret allowing him to treat them this way.

Your husband sounds very jealous. He is jealous of your parents and anyone else with money. What makes him think he can dictate how other people spend their money? Your parents are doing nothing wrong.

I really don’t like the sound of the way he responds well to your aunt because she is overly polite to him. She fawns. He feels he has ultimate control and is some kind of generous benefactor in assisting her. Yet he can’t help your parents because they don’t fawn and have more money than he does. He seems to only like being around people where he is top dog and made to feel the big man. This also comes across as coercive control to me.

Im wondering also if he is a communist, or has some other strong political ideology?

Imagine having hatred for someone because they wanted to pay for the wedding your wife wanted and occasionally going to a nice restaurant.

What does he do when there is something to actually be angry about?

he seriously needs help. That’s not normal behaviour.