Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

God @eveningqueen456 every time you post he just sounds worse and worse.

I bet he likes your aunty and your neighbour as they show him deference that makes him feel important and bigger/ better than them.

He sounds like a fucking misery.

I just can't understand why he has such disdain for people who spend their own money differently to him. It's actually really small-minded, mean-spirited and myopic.

The assumption that he thought your mum should give up work to look after your DC is just dreadful. Really really grim. Sounds like he is living in his own fundamental patriarchy. He needs to wake up and see how the world has changed.

I am so glad your DP are living their life how they want to.

Do you think you could show him this thread?

Or if your kids’ partners do about you both in the future…?

It’s like you are sleepwalking.

I think deep down I know he is out of order

I'm really sorry that this is deep down. Your posts shout out to everyoe who has responded on here what an awful, controlling and unpleasant man your husband is. It's sad that it has taken several hundred posts for you to realise this.

This is such a sad post.

Does he love you, or even like you. If you became ill were unable to work would he care for you.

Look on the bright side, you'll get half of his lovely savings

He can be so lovely but only to people he likes and they are what he calls "run of the mill" people who don't spend money to show off.

Spending your hard-earned money on things you like and enjoy is not 'showing off'. Your husband sounds insufferable.

Normally, when I read about conflicts between someone’s spouse and parents, I would advise the person to back their spouse. That is unless their spouse is obviously in the wrong. OP, your husband is wrong. He sounds jealous and judgmental. His attitude will damage your children’s view on money. I would put my foot down now and if it ended my marriage, then I would think it’s for the best.

Every time your husband makes a comment about how your parents spend their money or their financial choices, I would tell him to mind his own business unless they are asking him for money. He honestly sounds miserable and miserly and can’t seem to get along with anyone who isn’t.

Does he also chastise your children for going to restaurants or cinemas for dates? What’s he going to do when they marry and want to have a wedding, or when they have children and take vacations? How’s he going to react to their partners?

I would have a serious conversation with your husband. I would tell him that if his only complaint against your parents is how they spend their money, then he needs to get over it. For this occasion, he needs to suck it up and be there for your child.

What happens if your children become really successful in their jobs and potentially earn lots of money? Will he disown them unless they live way, way, below their means and never do anything that indicates they have money. Would he expect them to rent eternally because buying their own house would be being flash?? It's a really sad situation to be in. You could see them disappear over the horizon if every time they do well their father criticises their choices.

“If I don't leave him soon I think he may leave me as my parents are going to become a bigger part of my life as they get older and I don't think he will be able to cope with this.”

This is a huge thing to say as you’ve skirted round this issue until now.

My ex husband didn’t like us seeing my parents more even though they were able to help us through a very difficult 2 years, looking after our DD. He resented that even though his own parents were older and not mobile, so I had to sometimes lie to my parents that we were busy and couldn’t see them.

I don’t get why it upsets him to the point where he doesn’t want to see them or dictates where other people spend their money or birthdays

I feel sorry for your child too

You parents have seemingly done nothing wrong, they won’t be around forever and you don’t want to live with that regret.

You need to tell him to shape up or split - I’m sorry

Who knew there were so many show off snobs around? Just normal folk going about their business, working and spending their hard earned cash on whatever they want. Your DH is absolutely bonkers.

what does DH spend his money on @eveningqueen456 ? Does he work and just save save save? For what?

Money never ever to be spent. He might retire but he won’t part with a penny on anything enjoyable (aka show offy or snobby). These are terms I’ve not really said about people since primary school. It’s a bit juvenile.

I doubt your kids will want Mr Miserable providing any childcare. Even if it’s free!!

Your husband is unbelievably selfish. Even if you don’t like your partners parents you should at least tolerate them and be pleasant towards them for the sake of your wife surely? He’s not going to show up to his son’s birthday if they go because he wasn’t invited to your dad’s birthday dinner? He is being ridiculous, you are entitled to have dinner with your dad without your husband present. Tell him to grow up or piss off

Your son is the priority, he should be able to invite who he wants if your oh is going to spit his dummy out and not go, that's on him. Imagine putting your wife and your kids in these situations.

He's making an excuse to have an issue, your dad tried to solve issues by making it easier for people on his bdsy and he still found issue. Why is it up to your husband to dictate to your dad where he had his bday tea... he needs to get a grip other wise he'll be very lonely and bitter

I would say how you feel, tell him you've had enough. Your parents won't be around for ever and you'll regret when they've gone you let him make things hard for you and you missed out on times with then, and your kids aswell. Don't let any more time pass... unless they really did something unforgiveable is it worth it only you know what happened. You'll also resent your oh. Need to sort this now

My mom passed recently aged 80. My dad passed at 65. Your parents won't be around for long, how will you feel when they are gone and you are left with Scrooge? Ask yourself if he dislikes them so much that he wouldn't want to benefit from any inheritance you get? Sorry to be so brutal but I can't understand what you see in someone willing to disrupt his own child's birthday.

Op, do your parents pay for family guests to attend their birthday events? If so, how can that be a problem that affects your husband?
You do need to have the birthday talk about your son's party.
What can you agree to pay for? Will you pay for a 21st or a wedding or any uni fees? You and your husband need to plan your budget and plan to make certain that your children are not judged and hated by their own father.

Personally I could never stay with a spouse who did not treat my parents, siblings and children with respect.

He does realise that he can't take his money with him when he's gone, right?

When he uses the phrase about life being too short, I'd retort that you agree but you think it's too short to be so frugal and not be able to enjoy the company of others, wherever that might be - at a party, in a restaurant, wherever! You were right that when he threw a hissy fit at your parents wanting to spend to celebrate your wedding day by splashing out on real champagne, that wasn't his business as it was their money and a huge red flag as to how things have gone since then.

Have your kids ever been on a sun holiday abroad on a plane with a passport? There is nothing wrong with going to a mobile home or going camping, so long as it is only one of the options available to you for a holiday.
Your 18 yr old will be amazed how people actually are when he moves out and he'll probably go in the other direction of splurging (we hope) when the occasion warrants it.

Throw your son a smashing party and say to your DH how it will look if he isn't there. It's a party for your son and his friends to celebrate that he's turned 18.

Tell him from me he is a big baby. Huffing if he doesn't get his own way. Time to put his big boy pants on and grow up. Manipulating everyone into agreeing with him. How narcissistic

No you are definitely nta, you husband needs to grow up and be a bit more accepting of your parents. Not going to his sons 18th if the grandparents go is extreme and not being fair on your son. He is acting very immature, does he hold these type of grudges on anyone else or just your parents. He is also being unfair on you, your parents are in the last stage of their lives, he should be more tolerable with them. Unfortunately I think by trying to placate your DH all those years ago it's made him think his behaviour is acceptable. In my opinion I definately NOT hold 2 parties, he either goes or he doesn't and he has to deal with the fallout from his son. I lost both my parents and I can tell you now that if you do not see them whenever you want, or call them or have them at family gatherings you are going to hate yourself after they've passed and definitely hate and resent your DH to the point where you could break up and then what was the point of missing all that time with your parents.

So very sad to hear this. Your Dad is 80 and growing older by the day and the DH is no spring chick!! DH appears to have suffered from the "scrooge" syndrome. Be assertive for a change in this very short life (much shorter for your parents, your Dad). Your DS has to be shown a way of acquiring a more "open" accommodative view of the world & social/family occasions/relations. All families/societies have different personalities and views but we need to get on. Life's too, too short!! You're doing no one, not even your DH, any good by agreeing to a disruptive model of family occasions. Your assertive help and love -- is needed all round. Good luck.

This

LTB.

What a joy your husbands sounds.

Surely you can read back what you've written and see how unreasonable he is, it's none of his business how anyone else spends their money and why should someone change plans to please him. He sounds like an utter misery who has tried to ruin your relationship with your parents and for what? Because he thinks they spend to much, ridiculous.

Why do we think so little of ourselves that we put up with this shit.

So he is tight, which is in itself a massively unattractive quality but also demands everyone to walk to his tune, ruin gatherings that don't go 100% to his standards and even control your relationship with your parents, forbids you talking about them because he is resentful they don't want to live to his demands? For things that happened years ago?

OP, you are in an abusive relationship, with a selfish bully who controls your life and separate you from people you love and things you enjoy and grew up doing ,and you cannot even see that is abuse anymore, you may even defend his stance and believe he has a point. Those are all the hallmarks of domestic abuse.

@eveningqueen456 There must be a backstory here. I can't believe an adult can be that emotionally unintelligent about having feelings of disgust due to people spending their own money differently to him.

Did your DH grow up in abject poverty?
Does he have a job where he is in control a lot of the time? (teacher, police, nurse, doctor etc)
Does he have a job where he is told what to do a lot of the time?
Does he always feel like he's at risk of being poor?
Is your financial position unstable or was unstable?

Just out of interest it would be good to know if you have any savings, if so how much?

OP, you are in an abusive relationship, with a selfish bully who controls your life and separate you from people you love and things you enjoy and grew up doing ,and you cannot even see that is abuse anymore, you may even defend his stance and believe he has a point. Those are all the hallmarks of domestic abuse.

@NotAgainWilson (love the user name ) has hit the nail on the head.
@eveningqueen456 please "listen" to the advice on here. Not one poster thinks your husband is right.