Parents and DH feud

[eveningqueen456]

I have been married for 20 years and have 2 children. My DH and parents have never really got on it goes back to a feud over our wedding plans 20 yrs ago - they had tolerated each other and come together for events and birthdays etc but there was always a horrible atmosphere when we are all together.

My parents are in their 70's but very young at heart and very active and enjoy nice holidays restaurants and going out and about with friends, my DH is very frugal and won't spend money on anything nice and gets very het up about their lifestyle.

It was my dad's 75th birthday 5 years ago and he wanted a meal at a really nice restaurant - he knew my DH wouldn't be ok with this so to make it fair he invited myself and my sister but neither of our partners or children. DH hated this as he felt my dad should have had a get together in the local brewers fayre so that he could have been included along with brother in law and all our children. Ever since then he has had nothing to do with them and won't have them in the house or let me even talk about them. For the first 15 yrs of our marriage things were always tense between us because I always felt on edge trying to keep the peace and be fair to both parents and DH when I knew they really didn't like each other and after the big meal fiasco 5 yrs ago things got better between me and my husband because he said the only way to move on was to never talk to him about them or expect him to have anything to do with them and it was ok - we rarely argued any more because all our arguments were usually about my parents.

5 yrs have gone on now and I am beginning to resent him for making me choose (which it feels like) although he has never expected me to not see them - only never see them when he is about or talk to him about them.

My DS is 18 this year and wants to have a party but DH refuses to be at his son's party if DS decides to invite them.

We could have 2 parties one for DH's family and one for mine but I just want them all to get on. AIBU to think my DH needs to get over it and just for one day tolerate them for the sake of our son?

Holy moly, your DH sounds completely insufferable. What an unattractive quality.

I'm glad you still do your thing OP, but oh boy it would grate on me. If your husband doesn't want to go to his own DS's birthday because his PIL are there then that's his fault. He'll just drive everyone away 🤷‍♀️

Every abuser has a sob story, that’s how abuse is carried over.

However, every abuser had the choice to inflict their traumas on someone else or not. They shouldn’t be allowed to pass the abuse forward just because they had a difficult past. That’s how we allow abusers to continue hurting other people, by justifying them on the basis of their past and forgetting they could and can choose to stop being abusive, but they don’t want to regardless of being witness of the damage that they make, even when plenty of family and friends’ support and advice is around to help them stop. It is a choice they take.

Your husband sounds like a dire kill joy who wants to control everyone around him and make them live to his own miserable standards. I honestly can't stand people who wear their tightness as a badge of honour as if it some how makes them morally superior.

Does he allow the children to have hobbies, activities, social lives etc? If not, it is possible that when he retires early, your children might actually wonder why they had to leave such an austere life growing up just so that Dad could put his feet up.

One reflection I had on reading the thread was what happens when the children are older and have life partners? If these partners want to enjoy a lifestyle which is different from your DH's narrow expectations will he sulk and make their lives difficult? If so think about the impact that will have on your children.

@NotAgainWilson

Every abuser has a sob story, that’s how abuse is carried over.

However, every abuser had the choice to inflict their traumas on someone else or not. They shouldn’t be allowed to pass the abuse forward just because they had a difficult past. That’s how we allow abusers to continue hurting other people, by justifying them on the basis of their past and forgetting they could and can choose to stop being abusive, but they don’t want to regardless of being witness of the damage that they make, even when plenty of family and friends’ support and advice is around to help them stop. It is a choice they take.

THIS is brilliant.
I've never heard it put so eloquently.
I had a difficult relation but because I knew their horrible back story I made allowances.
One particular occasion stands out when they was invited to a special occasion I had organised (because it the thing to do)
But I hadn't anticipated that a much loved other relative would leave many hours before the critical parent arrived
( I would do things differently now)

Well said @Cyclebabble , another thought of mine is how he would treat/behave with any grandchildren who come along One of the greatest joys Dh and I have is enjoying our dgs, we spend time and often quite a lot of money doing things with him, lovely experiences, meals out, buying a treat or his school shoes/coat if times are tough for mum and dad, I can well imagine this misery guts of a man spoiling these things for the OP.

Well said indeed. OP, his behaviour will have a very negative effect on your relationship with any future Grandchildren. I can see your children going LC or even NC in the future. If that's what he wants that's up to him, but YOU shouldn't have to put up with it. I rarely say this,but LTB. His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me. Like a PP I have lost both my parents now. I can promise you that you will regret not seeing more of your parents and you will resent him more and more for it.

Same here, had an abusive mother and made allowances for her past. When my child was born I realised I could never be as cruel to my child, and the penny dropped. That’s when I noticed that it is optional to become an abuser, I didn’t need to beat, neglect, humiliate my child just because my mum did that to me.

I would think about the impact it is already having on the children TBH.

This is the most important question!!

Imagine if your daughter in law treats your son like that. How will you feel? I can guarantee that your heart will break for him
Imagine if your daughter in law comes to you in 20 years and says she's had enough because your son treats her the way your husband treats you. How will you feel? I can guarantee you will regret not changing things now.
YOU and only YOU can break this cycle
It wont just stop at your children, but also seep through to their children You can stop it. You are only a young woman
What do you think you are going to do about it ?

Your husband sounds like a complete arsehole! I couldn’t be with somebody who was so rude/cruel and disrespectful to my parents without any good reason!

Bloody hell. Just leave your husband out of the party!

on a more serious note, this is horribly controlling. I hope this is not indicative of how he treats you in general.

Wowser it's nit like your parents,expected you to pay. Sounds like your hubby has a inferior complex- why have you stuck by him he sounds toxic.

So your DH is prepared to boycott his own child’s 18th birthday party because he doesn’t want to be in the same place as your parents & his son’s grandparents.

Im not the biggest fan of my in laws but honestly your DH sounds unbearable. Does he have any redeeming features? How have you & your kids put up with him for so long?

I reckon the DH has £££ so OP isnt going anywhere. Again - she said she likes her husband. & can go out and spend her money as she likes. Yet still, advice is 'leave him' when she's not asked for advice on leaving him and nor has she said that she wants to

Your husband sounds like d!ck and if he treated my parents that way i wouldn’t have taken long to make my decision and choose them over him

So he wanted you to have a shit wedding when you were being offered the one of your dreams and he wanted your mum to give up work so he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare, wow red flags a plenty with this one

Your husband sounds very judgemental. I couldn't live with someone who felt like that about my parents, it would be a deal breaker for me.

What are you going to do if your children get married? Have 2 weddings?

Bloody hell I can't stand my in laws but they would never know and I try my best to not let me husband know either as unless something REALLY bad has happened then it's not fair to make them feel that way. Your husband sucks a bit .

I cannot get over the fact a grown man has spent 5 years sulking that he didn’t get to go to a Brewers Fayre. LTB. You only get one life and this is a beyond grim way to spend it.

I can't believe what I've actually read my jaw will remain on the floor for while!

@eveningqueen456 your husband has more red flags than a bloody Communist party meeting! He sounds like a massive snob and a hateful, controlling childish cunt! Having a sulk because he couldn't dictate where your dad held his own bloody birthday!

OP never mind about him leaving you kick his tight fisted arse out the door why on earth are you still with this man he basically wants to control how, when, where, what and cost they spend its none of his fucking business for a start HE ISN'T PAYING FOR THEIR LIFESTYLE so your parents can live and spend how they want!

Even tantruming over the wedding ffs he wasn't paying for it that was incredibly generous of your parents no wonder they don't like him he rudely threw their generousity back in their faces and insulted them because he doesn't agree with their lifestyle. Its madness.

Your husband is also a massive cheeky and entitled fucker he treats your parents like shit, looks his nose down at them and gets angry because THEY LIKE TO SPEND THEIR MONEY and thinks he's entitled to them providing free childcare for him!!! He's absolutely fucking crazy, taking the piss and overall a selfish miserable cunt!

Regarding your sons birthday why do you want him there seething because of the cost that he isn't even covering? And all because your parents are there. Its nuts tell him he doesn't have to come and he isn't wanted because he spoils the evening with his hateful and incredibly rude behaviour and the same with your dad's birthday. Tell your dad to do and invite whoever he likes and if H goes mad he wasn't invited point out to him that rightly your father wants to enjoy his birthday and doesn't want H there because he's nasty hateful and rude.

You can't behave like a cunt and then be pissed off the people you treat badly don't want you around and your dad can't win anyway unless he allows your H to dictate it all. Either way your H would still complain and get angry so stop pandering to him and enjoy your celebrations.

Throw him out OP and start enjoying your life without that miserable fuckwit dragging you down find a man who isn't so tight and unpleasant. I couldn't ever find a man like that attractive just the description of your husband makes me wanna puke.

I can't believe the level of cheeky fuckery and entitlement in this alone its madness the husband is away with the fairies no wonder the OP's family don't like him, he looks down on them, is rude and treats them and the OP like shit and then gets pissed off his MIL didn't give up her job to save him paying for childcare! Utterly batshit crazy logic and extremely entitled god I couldn't bare a man like that to touch me his personality is so unattractive I'd rather be celibate.

I have known a couple of women who were married to tight fisted men.

One died in a work related accident and his wife blew through the compensation and all his savings accounts within a year. Her house became party central as she made up for lost time

The other was a much older woman. When her miserable tight fisted husband (who didn’t believe in banks and paid for everything from money made from his cash only business) had a stroke.
He was put in a home and she ripped the house apart pulling up floorboards, taking the backs off paintings and ripping open mattresses. She even got someone to blow his safe.
There was money everywhere

What I can tell you about these men was for all their controlling behaviour and careful savings through complete meanness, when it came down to it. No one shed a tear over them.
It was just a huge relief when they died