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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jobs worth nursery??

368 replies

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 06:38

DS is a September baby and we’ve made the decision to move him from current nursery to one attached to the school that he’ll attend from Sept 2025. I have just informed current nursery of this fact. Reason for doing this is that current nursery is quite small and I think he has outgrown it. But mainly, all his little friends will be going to school this September and I don’t want him feeling left behind.

last week I informed the nursery that he’ll be leaving end of Aug. Thanked them for a lovely 3 years etc, all very polite. My one request was that he be allowed to participate in the school leavers activities that they do in the summer. We’re telling him he is going to school too as it’s a much more structured setting, school uniform etc so basically is like school anyway.

Message received back the same day, again all very polite. Except they are refusing to allow him to be involved in the leavers ceremony. Their reason, only for children actually going to school and those staying to the end of term (which he is).

I am really upset by this. What on earth could be the reason to exclude a small boy from these events. And how do we explain this to him. It feels so jobs worthy and actually quite discriminatory to exclude him due to him being a few weeks younger. I want to go into mumma bear mode and fight this but I’m wondering whether I’m being over protective and it really doesn’t matter. AIBU to want to start a fight (on email!) over this?

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 29/04/2024 09:00

Why on earth are you telling him he's going to school when he isn't? Hmm

The nursery are doing absolutely nothing wrong, but you really are.

HcbSS · 29/04/2024 09:02

It hurts doesn't it OP.
I remember moving schools between years 5 and 6, and obviously had to give a term's notice. I was totally excluded from the summer play (and music/drama was my life). I am in my 30s now and still remember it.

Ellie1015 · 29/04/2024 09:03

Don't tell him he is going to school it will cause a lot of confusion next year when preparing for going to school. Or he will catch on quickly that you lied previously.

Call it the school nursery, preschool or nursery school if you like as that is the truth.

There will be leavers activites at school nursery next year so he isnt missing out.

CelesteCunningham · 29/04/2024 09:04

In fairness to OP, it's so emotional when your DC moves on from the nursery you first brought them to as a baby. If he's leaving at the same time as friends who are going to school and they're getting more fuss than him I understand her losing sight of the difference in the circumstances.

DappledThings · 29/04/2024 09:06

HcbSS · 29/04/2024 09:02

It hurts doesn't it OP.
I remember moving schools between years 5 and 6, and obviously had to give a term's notice. I was totally excluded from the summer play (and music/drama was my life). I am in my 30s now and still remember it.

A year 5 play or a year 6 one? Did you leave in year 5 but ask to be in the year 6 play because your new school didn't do that in year 6? That would be the comparable situation to OP and would be just as unreasonable

Or if it was a year 5 one and you moved between years as you say then you would have still been there for end of year 5 so not missing anything there either.

chaticat · 29/04/2024 09:07

HcbSS · 29/04/2024 09:02

It hurts doesn't it OP.
I remember moving schools between years 5 and 6, and obviously had to give a term's notice. I was totally excluded from the summer play (and music/drama was my life). I am in my 30s now and still remember it.

That's not what is happening

HAF1119 · 29/04/2024 09:07

Ah it is a shame though

Our nursery did 2 events one for reception leavers one for those going to school nursery - but there was a lot of each at ours! I'd think they'd just let him join in but I also wouldn't make a fuss on it

TobaccoFlower · 29/04/2024 09:11

It's not discrimination for schools and nurseries to do different things with different year groups.
Won't your son be confused if you tell him he's starting school with his friends and then they're not with him in the new nursery?

user1492757084 · 29/04/2024 09:14

You need to get real and not tell him he is going to school.
You also need to act like it is reasonable for him to have his leavers next year. He takes his lead from you.
Can he watch his friends and wish them well at school?

Original poster
MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:15

Thank you all for your words of wisdom on this Monday morning. And sorry for being too slow to respond for some of you (I had to get my son ready for nursery, or is it school- I forget)

I hear your points on calling it school rather than nursery. Honestly just trying to ease the transition for him but I agree this probably isn’t helpful in the long run- I have time to reframe this luckily.

the whole nursery leaver ‘graduation’ thing is still grating on me. It doesn’t feel very inclusive, but again I hear you. I will contain the mumma bear.

definitely back in my box!

OP posts:
Whinge · 29/04/2024 09:19

the whole nursery leaver ‘graduation’ thing is still grating on me. It doesn’t feel very inclusive,

In what way isn't it inclusive?

All children who are leaving to start school are included in the leavers events.

Your child isn't going to school, so he isn't part of the leavers celebrations. But neither are the 2 year olds, or babies. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TobaccoFlower · 29/04/2024 09:19

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:15

Thank you all for your words of wisdom on this Monday morning. And sorry for being too slow to respond for some of you (I had to get my son ready for nursery, or is it school- I forget)

I hear your points on calling it school rather than nursery. Honestly just trying to ease the transition for him but I agree this probably isn’t helpful in the long run- I have time to reframe this luckily.

the whole nursery leaver ‘graduation’ thing is still grating on me. It doesn’t feel very inclusive, but again I hear you. I will contain the mumma bear.

definitely back in my box!

I wouldn't say to the nursery that they're not being inclusive or use the word discrimination. It makes it sound like he's being treated differently due to being in a minority group, rather than just being in a different year.

ExcitedButNervous0424 · 29/04/2024 09:21

the whole nursery leaver ‘graduation’ thing is still grating on me. It doesn’t feel very inclusive, but again I hear you.

But why does it grate on you?

I genuinely can’t understand why you think your son has a right to be involved in activities that aren’t relevant to him?

Flocke · 29/04/2024 09:22

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:15

Thank you all for your words of wisdom on this Monday morning. And sorry for being too slow to respond for some of you (I had to get my son ready for nursery, or is it school- I forget)

I hear your points on calling it school rather than nursery. Honestly just trying to ease the transition for him but I agree this probably isn’t helpful in the long run- I have time to reframe this luckily.

the whole nursery leaver ‘graduation’ thing is still grating on me. It doesn’t feel very inclusive, but again I hear you. I will contain the mumma bear.

definitely back in my box!

It's good you will start to reframe it for him.

But I don't know why you think it's not inclusive? Being inclusive doesn't mean everyone needs to get to do everything they want. If someone was just moving house so needed to change nurseries and the child was 2 years younger should they get to go to a leavers graduation?

Should someone moving high schools in year 10 get to go to the year 11 prom before they go?

It's not about not being inclusive. He's not at that stage yet. If everyone got to go to everything it wouldn't be special for those it's intended for anymore.

MumMumMumMumMumMumMum · 29/04/2024 09:22

But surely the leavers ceremony is only held for children leaving to go to school. Not children who are leaving for any other reason or any other point in the year?

Original poster
MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:23

All the children sit through it, learn the songs etc

OP posts:
ExcitedButNervous0424 · 29/04/2024 09:25

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:23

All the children sit through it, learn the songs etc

And they won’t let your child watch? He’s not allowed to learn and sing the songs?

Londonrach1 · 29/04/2024 09:26

Glad you got time to sort out the school wording for your son. It be awful for him to loose that next year. Don't understand why you upset still re the graduation. He is not going to school and to include him would make it mean less for him next year. It is like getting a year 5 child going to the year 6 prom.

Whinge · 29/04/2024 09:27

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:23

All the children sit through it, learn the songs etc

They're doing this during the normal nursery day and they have to stay in ratio, so of course the other children in the room are going to be around when they practice. Confused

MumblesParty · 29/04/2024 09:28

I can see where you’re coming from OP.
Are his nursery friends going to the same school as the pre school he’s going to? If so, then I definitely think it’s important that he understands the difference in where they’ll be in September. It would be awful for him to think they were all going to be together.
If they’re all going to be in different places, then I think it’s fine to just say that him and his friends are all leaving, some going to school, and DS going to pre school.

As far as the leavers thing goes, I can see both sides. Nursery are being a bit petty, but equally it’s one of those “change it for one and then have to change it for everyone” situations.
I’d maybe keep him at home on the day of the leavers celebration, if you think he’ll find it upsetting and confusing. If that’s not possible then I wouldn’t worry about it, he won’t remember it for long.

DappledThings · 29/04/2024 09:30

MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:23

All the children sit through it, learn the songs etc

So he can go to it then, he isn't excluded and he will be as involved as every other child who is not leaving to go to school.

What if you were leaving because you were moving area? Or because you no longer needed childcare at all? What if he was 6 months younger or a year and you were leaving? What's your self-created cut-off for including children in something not relevant to them in order not to "discriminate"?

Mrsjayy · 29/04/2024 09:30

He isn't going to school though he's going to preschool he's just leaving his current childcare setting you are being precious and silly and you shouldn't have told your son he's going to "school".

Original poster
MintFinch · 29/04/2024 09:32

It’s a different nursery and school.

Thank you, at least one person can see my perspective!

This site is brutal. First time poster, trying to navigate parenting. I think it’ll be my last…

Although (before this gets jumped on) I appreciate the (helpful) insights given.

OP posts:
drawnfrommemory · 29/04/2024 09:32

We had this as DD2 was autumn born so did one year of an external preschool and then one year at the school nursery class. Her older siblings had both done either 2 years or 1 year at the preschool and then went straight into reception.

DD2 didn't do the 'graduation' ceremony they did and I don't remember being annoyed about it at all or her having any issues about it - it was just one of those things. The only thing I was sad in passing about was that one of the lovely preschool staff used to hand make all of the school leavers a cushion and I really treasured the ones for my older DC and DD2 didn't get one - I soon got over it though!

CelesteCunningham · 29/04/2024 09:40

But why does it grate on you?

Presumably because Little Timmy has known Little Jimmy, Little Ellie and Little Maisie since they were in the baby room together. Now they're leaving at the same time to go to the same school (yes, different classes) and Jimmy, Ellie and Maisie will be made a fuss of and get the whole ceremony thing while Timmy just watches.

I know why the nursery are doing this - aside from anything else, Jimmy, Ellie and Maisie have aged out, whereas Timmy's parents have chosen to end the relationship and pay a year's less fees than would have been expected. But I understand why OP is concerned her son will feel left out.