Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

What a sensible comment.

You're not a fool. Children should rely on their parents. Parents should be there for their children equally and not have preferences and not choosing one child over another. Especially not in your situation. Hope you did the interview.

It's a shitty thing to do, you asked first she should be committed to you, it's an interview which is obviously important to you l would reassess any dealings with her. The dog should come second.

I understand your baby is only 6 months old, but I would prefer leaving her with a nice friend or acquaintance rather than with that kind of grandmother. I wouldn't trust her with my child. What if the dog demands grandma's attention just when your little one needs a clean diaper or just to be hold? Nope. Just check the list of your friends, those you asked to be at your wedding. Grab your phone, call a friend!

This is a really unkind response.

”It seems like you’re just trying to blame your mum”. No. That’s wrong.

OP, you’ve been let down by your Mum and that’s always horrid - she made a commitment to you and then went back on it without a good reason.

Try and see if you can make childcare work tomorrow, focus on your interview and then have a discussion with your Mum after about what happened.

This is excellent advice

It’s not unkind. It’s realistic.

I don’t think anyone comes out of this looking good.

A toxic combination of overly dramatic responses, selfish demands, and people pleasing.

I think you all need to grow up. And that includes the man who pissed off on a week-long stag do.

This-totally. If you can't get your DD to your sisters.. let them come to yours and clear a room of wedding stuff so that the dog can't destroy anything. Or shut the dog in the kitchen-presumably that isn't covered in Wedding things? Your mum isn't prioritising the dog, she is by the sound of things trying to please your sister & you. I can't really believe 'wedding stuff' has to be all over your house?

She threw keys at you??.. were you holding your baby?
my friend at school was on a buggy and her parents were arguing, dad threw keys over car to mum and they hit my friend…. She lost her eye that day!!!
Dobt let your sister blackmail you with wedding plans, what ‘help’ is she giving?…. Think I’d do it myself or ask someone else!! Is she bridesmaid/MOH?
who’s having the pain in the arse dog for your wedding or is it ring bearer?!

(The ring bearer comment was said in jest since the bloody thing can’t be left for a couple of hours. )

She lost her eye!!!?!?!

There's not many people who think the child's father should be the one at home, looking after his child and not on a week's stag-do!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my day a stag or hen-do would be a Friday night on the lash round town, i.e. the town where you live and not some random town hundreds or thousands of miles away. A whole week is ridiculous. I thought it a bit much when these things turned into weekends away. If he were single and carefree it might be a different matter, but he is not, he has responsibilities - his 6 month old baby. Also if they are getting married in a few weeks will there be a honeymoon and if so does baby go too? How many holidays does this man want? What about his parents, are they local? Can they look after their grandchild for a few hours?

It sounds very much as if this is a deep rooted family problem, probably going back many years. Maybe the sister bullies their mother and she is trying to do the best she can for everyone.

But really the sooner this woman realises that the only person you can rely on in life is yourself the sooner she will find some sort of peace. If you expect the worst then you will never be disappointed and everything else is a bonus.

I would advise her to get 2 or 3 reliable, paid, baby-siters/childminders teed up for the future (I know this won't help her overnight) but as the child is 6 months old I would have thought that is something she would have had in place already.

Unless her mother is really horrible, which as she had arranged for her to look after the baby it doesn't sound like she is, I would very much advise not to cut ties with her. You only get one mum in life and I would give everything in the world to have mine back (she died 2 1/2 years ago). Every family dynamic is different and no-one knows what really goes on behind closed doors. It is very easy to judge when you are on the outside looking in and only have one side of the story.

At the end of the day a baby is the responsibility of its parents and when one of the parents prefers to go on a week long jolly don't berate the grandmother for trying to accommodate equally the needs of both of her daughters.

She said she would help you and then let you down. I would go very low contact with her and your sister is no better either if she knew you had already asked mum for help for a few hours. Hope you get the job and things go well but do not expect anything from them and it is very sad that she is not there for you but now you know so just put them out of your mind and look after your own little family.

"I do agree it takes the piss but he needed to make his own choice to realise that."

There's your actual problem. A decent parent and partner knows in advance how selfish a choice like that would be and doesn't make it. I think your issue with your mum and sister is a red herring. In your place, I'd be focusing on my child's father.

I have never heard of or come across a dog that can't be left alone at all. It must have serious behavioural issues or not be trained in any way. Seriously, ditching your baby granddaughter for a bloody dog!!

Sounds like it's a typical case of your sister being the golden child and you being the scape goat.

Amazing isn't it that every time you have an important appointment, be it a job interview or a wedding dress, your DS suddenly has a 'urgent' request of your DM. This isn't a coincidence!

Your life will become immeasurably easier if you can find alternative childcare. I spoke to a local nursery and my dd went there on the odd occasion I had a need for it. Primarily because I was fed up of being so stressed when I asked my DM to babysit and each time there'd be a drama of some sort or she'd cancel on me.

Both your DM and DS used this as an opportunity to sabotage your life and exert control. Take that opportunity away from them.

No please don't do that, I am interviewing for a role this morning if one of the candidates said that I would withdraw the offer of an interview as it raises concerns about what would happen if childcare fell through. Grandma is trying to keep both happy as a mum /grandmother/great grand mother my self it is a tight rope I have walked for years since my first child left home. Unless there is a huge back story, choose one of the options given. And for those saying just leave the dog they can be left alone or go to a kennels , not all dogs can and getting a dog in a good kennels with such short notice is almost impossible. It seems that the mother regularly takes care of the dog at short notice when the dog dad is unable to work from home so she is trying to keep everyone happy. Hope the interview went well as I presume now it is over

I am a dog lover , but in this case the dog needs someone else to look after him / her or someone else to pop in and check on dog / take the dog a walk .
Can’t your sister , on this particular occasion, organise this ?
I wouldn’t really want a young , untrained and potentially destructive dog in my own home .
My own dog is older and never chews anything up , only his own toys might get the squeaker removed .

I think I’d text or call grandma and tell her you’re sorry for being blunt but the whole dog situation upset you. I would tell her straight that you’d pre arranged her to look after DC & are really upset that the dog was prioritised over you attending an interview!
Just tell her you feel she should’ve said no to sister because she’s already promised you. Tell her you felt like the dog came before you/your future and her grandchild! … tell her you’re not being unreasonable to not want a dog that chews and pisses on everything not to come to your house but your hand was forced by her agreeing to help sister when she’d already made a commitment to you!
why couldn’t the dog just be crated and left at home for a couple of hours ??
Your sister is old enough to make her on choice about whether to attend your wedding, but she’d never see me or my DC again if she took this route.. she sounds nasty.

Firstly I feel sorry for your DC and the dog. The dog needs to be properly trained and not shouted at. (And I still don't understand why DD and dog would need to be in the same room at the same time.. it's perfectly feasible to dog-sit without having it in the room with you all the time). More importantly your daughter needs positive and supportive people in her life in order to become a confident, happy person... starting with you. You need to think hard about your future husband disappearing for a week (a WEEK??) for a his stag do when you have a small baby. Tbh he sounds like a male version of your sister and mum😕. As so many on this thread have said-in future try v hard not to put yourself in situations when you are reliant people who aren't supportive, develop a network of your own. Ignore your sister's attempt at blackmail about attending your wedding-that's her decision-equally don't fall into the trap of passive aggressive manipulation in retaliation. It's a real shame that your interview didn't go well, but there will be others. Good luck!
PS no wedding is worth getting your house covered in 'stuff' for! What on earth have you got in your house?! Get some perspective, it's just a day. 'Stuff' doesn't make a wedding. If you are going to return to work effectively you will need to be able to focus on what's important and not obsess about what isn't. Wedding 'stuff' really isn't.. unless you are Bridezilla, which is a whole different issue😬..

Totally this. I think the man-baby 'soon-to-be husband' is getting off far too lightly on this thread. His behaviour -disappearing for a week!- for a jolly does not bode well for the OP. I think OP blaming her mum/sister is an unhelpful reaction -the real issue is that HE has gone on a jolly with his mates and left OP to deal with baby & wedding prep-and any unexpected events without a backwards glance. DD is OP & the man-baby's responsibility to look after, and tbh not every grandmother wants to do baby sitting duties, not everyone feels that someone else's baby takes priority over their lives. Sounds harsh I know, but that's reality.

I don't understand why this woman is making her mother choose between her and her baby or the sister and her dog. A 6 month old baby hardly needs much supervision and will be asleep for most of the time anyway. Surely the baby's parents don't spend every hour of every day watching it. So baby could be in bedroom asleep (with monitor) and grandma can spend time with dog. I think obstacles are being thrown along the way just for the sake of it.

It will be a different matter when the child starts crawling and toddling, but at 6 months old babies are rather boring and don't do much other than sleep, eat, cry, piddle and poo.

I am a great dog lover, but no dog - no matter how well trained, or not - should be left alone with babies or young children. So regardless of who is doing the supervising they should always be separated when there is no adult around. Children and animals in general are not a good mix. Babies smell very different from what they are used to, they make weird noises and dogs in particular are curious about them. Let them have a sniff and get used to this new thing while adults are there. The worst thing you can do is snatch baby away as soon as the dog appears. As soon as the novelty wears off the dog will generally go off and do its own thing. If baby is going to sister's house do not relegate dog to kitchen/garden etc. It is the dog's home and the baby is the interloper so why should a member of the household be banished because of a visitor, it is a sure fire way of causing a rift between them.

Is the dog really as badly behaved as is made out? or does this woman just not like dogs?

Why would you choose to get married when you have a 6 month old baby to look after?

What is the baby doing on the wedding day?

The whole thing sounds as if these people are both reckless and feckless and don't put a lot of thought into what they are doing. If it were me I would have either postponed the wedding for a few years (see if the relationship lasts that long) or cancel it altogether. If the father/prospective husband is so selfish to go away for a weeks holiday with his mates this close to the wedding day, will he change once he is married?

P.S. I hope you got to your interview and that everything went okay.

Love all the comments from people who clearly haven't been near a 6 month in this century. They sleep all the time and hardly need any supervision? Good grief.

Your DM and DSis sound awful, to be honest. Your sister shouldn't have a dog since she clearly can't be arsed to train it properly. And fancy threatening to not help with your wedding because you had the temerity to ask your Mum to honour her commitment to look after your DD? Maybe rescind her invitation, then? Would you really miss her presence?
Your DM obviously cannot be relied on to do the decent thing, even if the decent thing is something so small as not chucking keys in your face. Blimey - what a pair.
Good luck with the job hunting.