Grandma choosing dog over her grandchild

[If123]

I just need to get a feel if I’m being unreasonable or not. So my daughter is the first grandchild. I have given up my job to look after her as my flexible working request was denied. I have an interview for a really great part time job which would fit around my Fiancés job and mean that we won’t have to pay childcare. My Fiancé is on his stag do which we knew when I found out the interview date. I asked my mum with 2 and a half weeks notice to watch my daughter to allow me to go to the interview. She said this was fine and wouldn’t be a problem. Fast forward to the evening before the interview she let me know at 10pm that she needs to watch my sisters dog so now won’t be able to watch my DD. She basically gave me the option of bringing the dog with her to my house (I’m not sure this was a real option because the dog shreds things and is not trained and I have a lot of wedding bits and pieces about because we are due to get married in June) or for me to drive and pick her up to drop her off at my sisters house (25 mins away) to have to go back for her at the end of the day- I wasn’t sure on this either because of the amount of time it will take me to drive there and back and get to the interview would be cutting it very fine. I feel like she’s prioritising the dog over my child. Am I being unreasonable if I pull her up on it and explain how disappointed I am to be let down last second? I’m considering not going to the interview now because of all the stress it’s causing. If I had been given notice I could have sorted out a different arrangement. Feeling so gutted at the idea that my daughter is second in line to a dog in her own grandmas mind. It completely breaks my heart to think that could be the case.

Congratulations on your new job! Very disappointing behaviour from your mum but at least you’re going into your new job knowing she’s unreliable so you can plan other childcare options if need be. Also, have a fantastic wedding day 💐

Congratulations OP! Well done!

Arms length, grey rock, and just avoid. Your mother, for whatever reason, follows a cycle of offering gifts/connection, then blowing it up or taking it back, then conflict and recriminations, then silent treatment, then “making up” or honeymoon phase. Its basically the unhappy family version of the cycle of abuse.

Read up on toxic parenting or emotionally immature parents. You may find your mother there. Now that you have your own little ine you may find you have a new understanding of just how poorly she and your sister treat you. And you need to protect your little family from their capricious treatment.

Your mum is just trying to accommodate both her daughters' requests

This is a ridiculous minimization of the OP’s concerns. The new grandchild/prior request takes precedence over dog/late request.

Your mum is either prioritising your sister or trying to help you both. She should have said she already had commitments though and not agreed to take the dog.

Can you not clear the wedding stuff away and keep the dog confined to a certain room/rooms?

I think when you have a small child week long stag/hen do’s go out the window tbh.

Congratulations on getting the job OP. Best of luck with it.

As for your mother you don’t have to make an immediate decisions about going NC if your not in that headspace. I would just from now on never, ever ask for help with anything and have zero expectations of her. My own mother would be similar to yours but she doesn’t get the opportunity to let me down. You don’t need to say anything to her about it just pull back.

Congratulations!
Be prepared for more drama regarding your wedding. Sounds like both your mum and sister are toxic and like to play with your feelings.

phew just saw your final post, i was thinking suck it up for today, get the job, be more financially independent and then assert your boundaries with EVERYONE including week long jolly fiancé. It does read like you need to take a large step back from your sister and your mother but you now have a 6 month old so push yourself to get out there to groups and and meet other new mums, build strong friendships and you will find that you will be in a better position long term in terms of support.

I agree that your DM did prioritize the dog over her GC and you should always honour your prior commitment.

Really glad you got the job OP. Never ask your DM to babysit again. Have DP or regular childcare in place when you are at work and make friends with other local mums at Mum and baby groups so you can have arrangements where you do some babysitting for each other when needed as they'll still be times when you have an appointment or just need a haircut and your DP isn't available. It also helps the DC make some early friendships.

With regard to the wedding, I wouldn't confide in your DM too much either, just get on with things yourselves only involving her where necessary. You can always say that you are trying to avoid giving her any stress. I'd avoid involving DSis as much as possible. If she's a bridesmaid etc I'd quietly downgrade her and just have her as a guest and don't tell her anything. She sounds very jealous and will try to spoil things such as a hen do or the wedding itself. Please get a couple of your friends and prime them to keep an eye on her on the wedding day so if she starts misbehaving they can act as bouncers and remove her. Not joking, this could be necessary as the day won't be all about her and she will probably have a dink or two. Keep in the back of your mind what she said to you and grey rock her. Hopefully, she won't come and will stay home and look after the dog instead!

@If123 @Deise has it bang on here. Your mum and sister are problems but so too is your partner. Stand up for yourself and assert your boundaries with all of them. You've proven you are very capable by getting the job despite challenging circumstances- congratulations! - so use that knowledge to assert yourself with those around you. DP needs to step up and be a proper parent not abandon his child for a week on a jolly. Your mum needs to be more respectful of you and the commitments she has made. And your sister needs to back off and be less selfish. Great advice on building a wider network of mum friends too, some of my mum friends are the people I feel able to rely on the most. Good luck!

Also agree with @CantGetDecentNickname on having a wedding bouncer, your sister sounds like the kind of person that could cause trouble.

Well done! However your fiance shouldn't have gone on a week long holiday with the lads whilst leaving you and his 6 month old baby at home. Your mum offered to look after your baby and your sister's dog. Your daughter's dad refused to look after her and she's his responsibility.

You are not unreasonable to expect her to stick to the agreement. You are however unreasonable to not pick her up and drop her off etc

Congratulations!

Sincere congratulations on the job.
Really hope your fiancé will be able to support you with childcare when you need it

Well done @If123 - amazing!

keep at arms length and not expect too much from her. - this is exactly right. From now on always assume that any plan might end up with her dropping out last minute. So never arrange for her to babysit unless it's for something you wouldn't mind missing. Only arrange to spend time with her in ways where there's a fun and easy way to enjoy the day just as much without her if she doesn't show up, and only give her any role in the wedding if it's something that it's perfectly ok to not be done at all.

Congratulations on your new job! I think you know never to rely on your mum for something like this again.

Sounds like my mother , she prefers dogs to her own children even grandchildren, even her awful husband so you have my sympathies.

I had zero help

I am so, so happy for you that you got the job. A massive well done to you on succeeding in an interview after all that!

Congratulations on the job offer! Well done!

This is ridiculous, but also, does the dog need watching 24/7?! Surely given the interview isn’t an entire 24 hours surely your mum could leave it for a few hours?
Christ I thought we had wildly unhelpful family but this takes the biscuit!

Y’all are unhinged, as far as the OP goes the sister hasn’t said anything merely defaulted to a prior arrangement.

The mother should have declined based on the agreed favour but there’s no evil sister in this story.

Did you miss the email?

Interesting take on all op‘s posts. Also, not everything needs to be said to be understood. Sometimes it is quite clear what the issue is.