Big argument with DH has gone out of control. In need of your gentle advice.

[Springtimesadness]

Evening all .

Frequent poster on here but name changing for this one. DH and I been together for 10 years and have got 2 beautiful daughters together both very young. We never had support from neither grandparents, moved around a lot , never had much but always found a way to make it work and count our blessings and work hard and always stick together and support each other. Not sure if its relevant but I feel trapped.

When all is good and as he puts it 'i have got things in the house under control' we are good. However, if anything happens at all to me, for example I get sick , or break my foot or feel overwheed or have received upseting news about my family (they are in Ukraine ) and ask him to 'take over a bit ' the whole house spiralls out of control very vere quickly. He hasnt got much patience and then often starts losing it at the girls for misbehaving and on and on it goes until I step in and he then blames all of that on me 'falling apart' . It always feels like I shouldnt have said anything because his 'take over" was a much worser thing then me pushing through.

After yet another incident , I am in tears right now. He spent the whole day working on a presentation so we didnt see much of him. Our youngest was playful refusing to go to bed and so I asked him if he would mind taking over and settling her since he barely seen her whole day. After 4 mins I heard him telling her to stop being 'so stupid and go to bed'. I immediately returned to the room to tell him that she is not stupid and is just overtired. He then proceded to blame my 'shit parenting" for that and for whatever think they watched on an Ipad for 45 mins (he wasnt helping whole day and I needed to cook a family meal somehow). It then escallated to him calling me 'a fucking piece of shit who ruined the whole day ' in front my youngest daughter. I didnt say a word but he kept on repeating that to my face at least 4 times until I pushed him out of the room.

I am all in shock. He now came saying that he would be a bigger person and apologise if I apologise for 'physically attacking him when I pushed him out of the bedroom. I refused for the first time ever. Refused to be gaslighted into believing I dont anything wrong. This exchange has made me sick to my stomach. He had got a very challenging time at work but i can find no excuse to that. I feel like my heart broke today. I believed we had a pretty decent family and even planned to go on holiday next week. Now it feels like I am all alone and the person I loved is not the same person I just had this argument with.

AIBU to think you cant move on from that? If anyone did move on what did it take ?

Apparently it is the absolute very worst thing you can say, worse than swearing, shouting or getting in a scuffle with your spouse in front of the kids apparently.

No he is British

I think he created a storm so that you would come back and he could blame you.

Advocating for a vulnerable child who was utterly exhausted and is emotionally immature is an important role of a protective mum.

Self defense is not the same as physical assault.

It's the wording you use.

My question in your situation is, could he parent alone for 50% of the week? Would your children be safe in his care or will he be shouting aggressively at your children?

Because 50/50 is what he'll come at you for when you leave.

Can you imagine the mind of the person that posted this to say its op who escalated things. I just can't. These types of ppl who post these types of comments are dangerous. In regards to your post , couldn't agree with you more!! Well said.

OP this is directly relevant, there are so many people like him there are books about it.. an extract:

‘Victim-Blaming and Playing the Victim

Narcissistic manipulators are fake, fragile, and they are cowards. They pretend to be strong, call others weak and sensitive, bully and abuse people, but if you challenge them about their lies or stand up for yourself, they immediately start playing the fragile victim. Look, Im being attacked! You're the real bully!

As I write in the article How Narcissists Play the Victim and Twist the Story:
Narcissists also like to truncate the story and present only the bit where the aggrieved partyreacted totheir toxic behavior, framing it as if thats where the story started.

They will shamelessly blame the actual victim by saying that they deserved it, or even gaslight by claiming that it didn't happen.

Summary
People with strong narcissistic traits are unwilling or unable to reflect on their shortcomings and destructive behaviors. As a result, they project, blame, and manipulate others to cope with their low and shaky self-esteem.

Manipulation tactics include deflecting, attacking and putting others into defense mode, lying about others being worse and themselves being better, victim-blaming, and playing the victim.

By resolving your own trauma and developing a stronger sense of self, you can become less prone to manipulation and narcissistic abuse’

You’re not alone x

Apparently it is the absolute very worst thing you can say, worse than swearing, shouting or getting in a scuffle with your spouse in front of the kids apparently.

But the scuffle was caused by the husband calling the child stupid and losing his rag, then calling the OP nasty names. What really was the answer here? Just let him verbally abuse the kids and their mum for fear of undermining him and making him get into more of a rage? Some cunt starts calling my kids stupid and me a piece of shit what am I supposed to do? Be like ‘oh sorry, yeah you’re right I shouldn’t have interrupted’? That’s preposterous.

I’ve never called my kids stupid and I’ve never got in someone’s face and called them nasty names. I’m not a snowflake with brat kids, I just don’t resort to abuse when I’m 4 mins into parenting that day. I am a lone parent, there’s nobody doing any of it for me, and yet I manage not to terrify my children when they play up. I just calmly tell them what needs to happen and we’re done. Being nasty to your own kid, or any kid, is not normal or acceptable.

I don't think it's helpful to scare the OP off with the 50/50 warning.

Men like these make noises about 50/50 but in reality it's more likely he will continue to prioritise his career and barely see the DC once a week.

He won’t want 50/50 or be able to facilitate it, he takes no interest in family life even when you’re there facilitating it. Take legal advice on this. Also report his behaviour to build evidence, and you can get legal aid if abuse is taken into account.

You are deluded.

How old are your DDs op? Do you work?

I don't agree with this because he called his daughter stupid. Is that acceptable behaviour towards your children? I have never called mine stupid or idiots!

I snapped not only because of this one incident but because I do not ask for much of him like ever. In the past 5 years, for example, he never took the girls out together anywhere without me. Not even playground. He can bring one of them to dance class etc but he cannot cope with them 2 together like doing simple things . My birthday evening with a few friends out for dinner and drinks right before I was leaving I Heard him shout at my eldest. Again over absolutely nothing but he was losing it and the whole dynamic in the house was spiralling. I just told her to get ready and come with me and my friends for some pizza. She was so happy and we had a lovely time but again that was me rescuing my own birthday and the situation.

The worst part is that I know he is good person at heart but hes had a very rough childhood and it often shows in the moments of stress. Of course our marriage is probably slowly collapsing because of build up of all these things and I am the person who constantly tries to hold it all together indeed. He just goes to work and even he sees me struggling he just uses it against me.

I just feel so overwhelmed .

He’s the shit parent, and a vile person to boot. I very rarely say this, but LTB.

He called his child stupid! What's OP supposed to do? Would you let someone call your children stupid or idiots?

A rough childhood should mean you'd do all you can to make sure your dc have a lovely one. It is not an excuse for being a twat. You'd not have kids if you were a decent person and didn't think you could parent with love and kindness.

I disagree. Have you heard of reactive abuse? It's when you are driven to abusive behaviour in response to being on the receiving end of physical, emotional or psychological abuse.

When your Dh says something that cuts you to the very core, it's very hurtful.

Maybe she should let him call the children stupid, idiots, imbeciles and other nasty things.

You need to talk to him. Calmly. Ask him when is a convenient time to talk, arrange a time, calmly tell him everything you've said here, and ask him what he suggests.

Ah he’s one of those wife = housekeeper types. And he gets verbally abusive when he had to deal with his own children. What a charmer.

You're right. @Springtimesadness sorry if I added to everything with my 50/50 point.

It is overwhelming. When adults continue to wear down your spirit and emotionally abuse you, it can feel like the aftermath of a marathon run.

Has he ever given you the silent treatment?

@NasiDagang if the situation was reversed no one on here would be supportive of a man pushing a woman out of a room.

Think some of the double standards on here need addressing.

I also don’t advocate his behaviour either…. What I said was they are both at fault.

I think you should leave him because he might accuse you of being abusive( physical contact) even though you did nothing wrong. You have to protect your children from him before another incident.

He got the arseache because he had to do something he didn't want to. This was your fault. You intervened and then he turned abusive. You reacted and now he's the bigger person? Of course this is gaslighting.

Of course all is well when he gets what he wants.

I would leave. No one would call my DC stupid and then speak to me like that.