To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

What consequences does she face for her behaviour?

Behaviour is communication op. If she’s full of ‘anger and hatred’ you need to find out why and sort it out with professional help for the benefit of your dd and the family.

That sounds so hard. Is she the youngest?

it sounds to me as if she has jealousy issues and you could do with a bit of professional help.

OP are you sure she doesn’t have any additional needs? It might worth exploring that to understand where some of these things might be coming from. At that age she is not doing things deliberately or in a manipulative way, she’s too young for that. Worth reading more about neurodiversity in case that’s what’s at play here.

If she was 12, maybe you'd have a serious problem, but she's six. Resenting her is only going to make it worse. She's craving control and connection for a reason, and hasn't developed the skills yet to manage her overwhelming feelings.

I would definitely seek professional help, sooner rather than later. At 6, there is still time to turn things round.

I'm finding it impossible because she's so strong willed, when she was smaller I'd put her on the bottom step of the stairs but she'd just get back up, if I sent her to her room she just refuses and if I take her she immediately walks back down.
I sit her down and try to have a chat about it and ask her about her feelings and she just looks away grunts and hits me.
I feel as though I've lost control of her because I've tried so many things but she's stubborn and it's a battle of wills.
I try to pick my battles but nothing works.

No she's the second youngest.

I'm going to roll out the line I know MNers love to hear 😬. Do you think there's a possibility she has additional needs, ADHD and or Autism? Your description and your feelings of utter despair are incredibly familiar to many parents of ND kids. It's usually because nothing you do seems to work.

I'd consider that before ripping yourself apart and trying every discipline tactic under the sun. I imagine you've already done that.

It doesn’t scream ND to me, it sounds like she wants to get her own way and for your sanity, she needs to stop getting her way. You have time to nip this behaviour in the bud OP, but you have to be tough. If she’s getting out of bed, you keep taking her back until she gives up. If you chose to use time out, if she gets off, you put her back.

What is she like at school? Is her dad involved?

In that case I'm not surprised. She faces no consequences for her actions and you think somehow she's going to change? Children are hard work and you can't just check out of parenting when things are tough.

Yes her dad and I are still together, he is feeling the same as me, he's very hands on but she doesn't listen to either of us.
She has shining school reports, although she'll tell me school is boring and she hates it.

Just a reminder to all those posting with the less than sympathetic replies - OP has 4 children! One is an absolute handful. She has every blimmin right to feel exhausted, resentful and looking for a place to vent.

OP, some kids are just difficult and evoke very unpleasant feelings. Mine did in me. I felt very strong resentment. Things did change and improve massively with age and my feelings are totally different now. You sound like you need a break. I hope there's some way to get one.

I'm wondering if she can feel that you feel this - which is the most existentially scary thing for a young child and will come out in different ways like this. Good luck OP sounds really hard! Agree with therapist and maybe trying not to have this story in your head about her because i think she'll be able to feel that and it will ostracise her and make everything worse.

I don't find my other children hard work and they've all had the same upbringing, I'm aware what worked for them isn't necessarily going to work for all but when you spend all day focusing on the behaviour of one child it isn't that she's having no consequences, it's that we spend all day trying to get her to cooperate and trying to find something that works for her and nothing does.

When she was two, I thought it was just a phase like terrible twos, then she was 3 and nothing changes then 4 and 5 and we kept telling ourselves as she got older things would get easier and now she's 6 and all that's changes is she's got more stamina and we've got less.

Mine was just like this.

Diagnosed ASd at 16 and ADHD at 17.

Get her in the waiting list.

My 17 year old DD is ND, she was exactly like this at that age. Not saying your daughter is, but, if there is one thing I learned it’s that “traditional” punishments don’t work for all children, and can made a situation worse. Maybe have a look at The Explosive Child, might be a help.

I was waiting to come to the post that said she is well behaved at school and does well academically.

she needs to be evaluated.

a 6yo is unlikely to behave like that without an underlying reason. The fact that you have managed to parent 3 other reasonably behaved children shows you are not feckless. That she behaves at school and saves her worst behavior for home is the big clue.

once you figure out the underlying cause, it’s kind of like getting an instruction manual to your child. Everyone is happier.

My son was like this, so tough to rear. He is my eldest, I also have 4 kids. He is 13 now and last week diagnosed with autism and waiting on a result from his adhd assessment. He did not present the way I would have expected for autusm, for example he is very social. I fervently wish I had gotten the assessment years ago. It makes so much sense of a lot of his behaviour.
If you have any question about whether your daughter might be ND, start the ball rolling for an assessment now. It takes such a long time to happen unless you can go private.

She sounds exactly like my autistic child, PDA profile. Please do consider evaluating her. Once you know exactly what you are dealing with, it will become very clear and much easier how to manage her in day to day life.

Her behaviour doesn't necessarily scream 'ND' at me but it's worth reading up about how autism and ADHD present in girls, for sure.

Have you tried just removing attention from her as much as possible when she's going around making everything about her? It's not fair on your other children, nor on you.

Out of interest, what was it about the assessment that you hope will make things easier? Is it just the different understanding of his behaviour? Or will he get extra support?

All behaviour is communication. She’s unhappy, or she wouldn’t be behaving how she is. It sounds like you need some professional help with her behaviour.