To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

@Katbum none of the crap rules I mentioned matters. I save my energy for the important stuff. My son is more considerate and kind and well mannered than most his peers. I'm talking about letting the pointless controlling crap go and giving choices. That is not the same as allowing unpleasant behaviour or being dominated by the wants of the child.
Adults smack kids when they lose control of themselves, no other reason. It's pathetic.

ODD is exactly what I was thinking of from the OP.

She's just a mum at the end of her tether.

Kids don't come with a manual. I'm sure OP dearly loves her DD, she is just frazzled. Fortunately we live in this wonderful day and age of such conveniently wonderous things like sliced bread, microwaves and the Internet and the OP is just using the tools she has at her disposal to express her feelings and seek support.

I'm pretty sure mums helping mums is one of the reasons this entire website was created.

Your poor little girl. I'm glad you've had lots of constructive replies but it would be awful if she found your thread another day.

Sounds like my eldest! She was awful, horrible, ruined every outing, we were literally held hostage by this awful child - we couldn't go anywhere or do anything due to her behaviour. She's nearly 18 now & a beautiful, polite, delightful girl. So hang in there, it will get better.

How likely is that? As if the DD will trawl mumsnet at her age, realise OP's username and realise it's about her.

All you're doing is shaming a mother asking for help. Oh, and making it clear you've never had to parent a child who behaves like this.

My son is similar. I’m hoping he’s going to grow out of it. He’s 8, hopefully he’ll grow into a nice teen 😬

I agree with this. It may be a few days of hell but it will work. I wish I had done it. Trust me you don't want to let this go on.

Sounds like my autistic daughter.

@mossylog Out of interest, what was it about the assessment that you hope will make things easier? Is it just the different understanding of his behaviour? Or will he get extra support?

For me, it was both of those things but the main difference it’s made to us is not what I expected. The diagnosis has given ds a reason for being different. He has always known that he is extremely sensitive to certain noises but didn’t know why. He would get overwhelmed, which would lead to tantrums and sometimes public tears which was embarrassing for him. Now he can foresee things building up and can take action to stop it escalating. He has a “get out of class card” so that he doesn’t have to explain to the teacher, in front of the class that he has a problem. He can discreetly show the card and leave the room. He was finding it difficult to keep friends because he takes everything so literally and he would fall out with them over unintended slights. Now he knows he has to ask himself if he might be overreacting. All in all understanding himself has made all the difference to his life.

You and your husband should each plan to give the others a break every week.
A special one on one time with Miss6 out in the open - maybe in a park with a ball or walking the dog or at a strenuous playground. Expell energy and give her attention while the others have a rest or go to another desirable activity (unannounced to Miss6.)
I would seek professional advice and take her to have a medical check up incase she has hearing loss, suffers from a surprise childhood chronic illness like Diabetes or Cancer.

Does she have 12 hours of sleep? Does she eat a high sugar or high junk food diet? Do you have routines in place at home, like at school?

Give Miss6 her own space in which to withdraw when she is calming from a tantrum or needing one on one chats.

Would giving her her own room, short term, be a blessing to the rest of the family?

sounds like too many children born close together and this is her way of getting attention.

Pathological demand avoidance is a type of autism that my friends child has and requests to do stuff are met with a lot of hostility and anxiety from the child. It’s like a reactive no to life’s needs and requests.. makes getting ready to leave very tricky. Hope you find the path to help soon.. sending you prayers God will help you.. it sounds difficult.

OP, there's a big clue for the GP, paediatrician ed psych or whoever you meet on your initial stages asking for assessment. It can often be inferred that inadequate parenting is a problem, leading to misbehaviour, so please let them know loud and clear.

You have four children and use the same parenting techniques for all of them. Three children respond in the same way to your parenting, one responds very differently.

While you are waiting for a referral, when you have time, instead of being mum, try to be a detached observer and watch your DD without judgement.

Make a brief list of how your DD responds very differently to the same parenting techniques as her siblings.

Does she have markedly more difficulty with transitions?
Is she markedly more or less reactive to sights, sounds, touch, smells, tastes?
Look up sensory overload, the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, masking,

Have a look at this for a quick and easy way to understand illustration of neurodiversity
https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Above all, remember that being different does not equate to being wrong.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

If you think there is a possibility of your son being neurodiverse, please start asking for a referral now, it can take years and if he is not ND then he will not be diagnosed. Either way, you will know.

Undiagnosed children can often be described as quirky in primary school, but the massive changes in their daily challenges in secondary school can cause severe problems as they are less able to cope.
I don't mean academically, but socialisation in general, mostly self-organisational skills like getting to each lesson in a new classroom with one teacher and taking the right books and equipment for that lesson and doing the same for every lesson in the day. That massive change in a school day from being with only ine teacher in a much smaller environment can cause severe overwhelm to the point the child cannot cope.

It’s a dirty word in 2024, but discipline. Rinse and repeat. Big time boundaries. I really felt for her when I read this post. Constantly compared to her siblings, poor child. Lots of kids are like this. Half the battle is accepting your child for who they are, not wishing they were like others, and the second is discipline that works. Children with this behaviour crave boundaries. It shows attention and love. Would not be surprised if your DD is creative. Definitely worth exploring hobbies.

If it helps, research shows stubborn children are more successful when adults 👍🏻 she’s the one most likely to pay for your care home so don’t alienate her 😂

I'd ask to see your school senco. Write down your worst day at home and explain you are concerned she may be nd.

My DD was diagnosed ASD at 14. A paediatrician “ruled out” Aspergers at age 7 because her eye contact was too good, which delayed things somewhat. Child and Adolescent Mental Health asked us why we wanted to label her. We didn’t, we just wanted to understand. When the diagnosis did come, nearly 2 years later, it really helped us understand her and she said it helped her to have a reason why she is different.
I know wait times are longer now, and a lot of GP referrals are knocked back. It is worth persevering though. Best of luck.

I resonate with your post op. I won't go into my story here but I feel so miserable, stuck, and powerless. It's been 5 long years. I wake up every day hoping things will improve.

I saw a post on Mumsnet that recommended the book "The Explosive Child" so I have ordered that in hope that it gives me the magical insight I cannot myself find.

No real advice but know that you are not alone (for as much as that helps...) 💐

@gingerbreadbunny
I will probably get flamed, but my DD was like this - and I found the only thing that worked was the Supernanny type approach.

A warning, a time out. DD would refuse the time out - but I’d keep putting her back in her room until I got the sorry. It’s exhausting at first, but you need to stick with it. And be prepared for a battle. No verbal communication other than : that was unacceptable behaviour and you need to say sorry. And you keep returning her until the sorry comes and she does a full 6 minute time out.
She’s strong and she’s currently in the driving seat. You need to take back control and feel like you are in charge.

And I wouldn’t view it as a bad thing. DD is a teen now and very capable at school, very creative. She has very strong ideas and ‘her own mind’. I feel like she is channelling it the right way now. She can still have her moments, but nothing like the tantrums we had at age 6.

School ‘not seeing it’ is part of the diagnostic picture, OP.

Clinicians know that girls mask in school and melt down at home, therefore they’ll be looking for evidence of this.

Teachers should be looking for extreme people—pleasing behaviours in school, plus subtle social-communication differences.

You need to use a punishment that fits the crime rather than pussy-footing around with naughty steps. Withhold treats. Don't take her to things she likes outside school/home. Remove things she values from her room. Don't give her attention. When she plays up, remove her from situation, punish, then give her time to think on her actions.
Don't try and reason witth her at time, it's impossible and pandering

I have 4 dc close in age. This describes my dd2. She was diagnosed with autism aged 8. Something ‘snapped’ when she turned three and she went from being very manageable to very very difficult. School told us she was an angel. This happened when I was pregnant with dc4. They are all born within five years.

I was bending over in the library looking for a name book when pregnant with dc4 and saw a book called ‘parenting your difficult child’. When I read about pathological demand avoidance, it was like they had written about dd. Subsequently, three of my four dc have been diagnosed with autism, as well as a number of family members.

Things were really difficult with dd until covid and when home learning began, she seemed to find her groove. She became pleasant to be around and showed us the girl that she showed everyone else. She has a truly delightful personality. Yes, she is still PDA but I parent her with PDA strategies and I know we will always have a different relationship than my other dc. It’s also called a persistent drive for autonomy, and I think that characterises her better.

i would read about autism and girls and see if any bells are ringing.

I also vote neurodiversity - she’s procrastinating at bed time it’s a common thing.