To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

She sounds like my ASD child, who is high masking in school. At home she is jealous, selfish, explosive, demand avoidant. At school she is bright, compliant and has lots of friends. It took a long time for anyone else to see what I saw, and a lot of gaslighting and parent blame along the way.

I'm doing no such thing.

It's not like Mumsnet is known for its good security, it's entirely possible.

I am with other people in here who talk about ND. My DD15 was like this, she was assessed with ADHD and ASD at 10.

Masking at school, exhausted from that at home, needed decompression time in a quiet space after school. Bedtime always an issue which I worked out how to deal with.

I will read your whole thread OP as your DD sounds so much like my DS. He is just by nature very different to my other 2 children; i agonise over all the things I have clearly done wrong with him but then I think, I knew he was different from the day he was born through his reaction to being put on the weighing scales!

I need advice too but will offer some of my own; I do find DC like this very sensitive and they do not do well with the natural consequence of people being frustrated and resentful. I'm always finding ways now to praise my son. Yesterday a meltdown was completely avoided by asking him to help carry plates of food to the dinner table. I feel like there is hope and progress to be made.

I recommend The Explosive Child on another thread @gingerbreadbunny and it's really worth a look

As above. 👆
This really is the issue. It’s hard, however worth working through what she’s trying to tell/show/communicate.

You should ask a professional for an assessment. Often children with additional needs can mask this at nursery or school, or it only becomes clear as they get older - KS2 often, KS3 even - and the differences between them and their peers become more noticeable to their teachers.

If it is emotionally-based then that would be helpful to know too so you could learn the best strategies to use.

She isn't actively choosing to be this way, and it's not helpful to term it like that as it turns into a battle of wills between you and her. If you can understand the "why", you'll have more idea how to handle it.

She sounds like my DD who has ASD and ADHD. No advice as I’m struggling too but it is so hard.

What a load of nonsense. She’ll be one of about 30 at school.

This is one of the reasons ND is often missed in high functioning individuals until later in life. They sometimes do very well at school, even appear gifted in some ways. The meltdowns and stubborn unreasonable behaviour is kept for the home environment where they feel safe enough to do as they please.

Sounds like my friends daughter
Her mum paid private for ASD assessment,she's at the most Fabulous special school now , absolutely thriving

You need family therapy can you contact your local authority early help service or talk to the gp

Yes, sounds very similar to my DD who is ND

Solidarity - my daughter has just turned 5 and we have exactly the same troubles at home as you describe and she's an angel at school and I feel I am being painted as a neurotic/anxious parent if I so much as mention our struggles at home with her, not to mention the feeling that people just think we are bad parents and that's why we struggle. We have an older child who is not like this and was brought up in the same way. She can be wonderfully thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, EXTREMELY imaginative and social (although as a young pre schooler she was very much adult led and not interested in her peers) but if you interrupt her autonomy in any way (which is sometimes inevitable in daily life!) she explodes, hits, calls horrible names, threatens violence and is generally extremely unpleasant. She's been difficult to parent since the day she was born, very high needs baby, wouldn't be put down for long etc. she is also quite an anxious child, very clingy to me.

I am currently going through an adult ADHD diagnosis. I don't remember being as explosive as her as a child but I do remember my mum being quite a shouty mum and being exasperated with me in the same way I get with her. I'm hoping if I get a diagnosis I might be able to get the school to listen as I have no hope of getting her help if they think she's fine. Even if I go via the GP surely the school have to be on board?

I'm sorry I don't have much advice other than to say with my daughter the easier thing are when we reduce the demands, make requests a game etc. we still enforce discipline by removing privileges etc and have to deal with the explosions but we definitely pick our battles xx

Check your area for a childrens right to choose

School will send you via the CAHMs route which us a very long waiting list and before theyll assess her theyll want her to have some sort of talk therapy ect

My daughter was rejected from cahms twice despite self harming and threatening suicide. They said because she witnessed domestic violence 7 years ago ( shes 9 ) that her behaviour was due to her adverse home situation 😳

I ended up reaching out to social services who have been a fantastic help and have contacted cahms and told them it isnt due to home life and they advise they dont reject my DD again because she needs the support

I was diagnosed with ADHD 2 years ago and I'm awaiting an ASD assessment

It's so common for a girl with asd to fly under the radar. The landscape of diagnosis is slowly improving OP I hope it'll at least give you some comfort and maybe you'll find some tips online.

If you have the money I'd look into going private.

From a group of children I work with I’d say a third behave this way. If they are all neurodiverse, that a lot of additional
support, resources, diagnosis, funding etc they will need. From people I’ve spoke to who work in the council SEN department, waiting lists are incredibly long, and they are so underfunded that they are looking to cut back on the amount of support they can fund.

You can turn this around OP.

When kids misbehave they are often looking for attention. And by misbehaving, they get it- win win for them!

The way to tackle this is to do what you find hard- give her love and attention when she's not 'asking' for it (in the only way she knows- being a PITA.)

Start praising her
Spending time with her to make her feel loved
Doing stuff together- just you and her.

I know this goes against your instincts, but having had one DC who was just like this, I got into a deep hole where all I did was shout and punish.

My DC was diagnosed as 'gifted' which meant for a lot of the time they were bored and needed more challenging stuff. (You say your DD is bored at school.)

As one of four, she probably feels insecure about her place in the pecking order- not the baby, not the grown up one, just one in the 'middle' and maybe overlooked compared to the others?

I don't go along with the amateur diagnosis of ND, autism etc- far too easy to throw those labels around. I've worked with kids like that, professionally, and it's not right to jump to conclusions so quickly.

Oh please stop these labels of ND!

It's my area of work and yes, there is a history of under-diagnosis, but it's gone too far the other way now where people jump on the ND bandwagon and label kids who are just 'being kids' or there is a family dynamics issue.

If she's ruining days out then can one of you take the other 3 on days out and the other parent stays at home with her? It's not fair if she's ruining it for the others.

She’s one of 4, which doesn’t help. Sounds like a lot of it is attention seeking and jealousy of siblings. Does she get any 1:1 time with you?

They aren’t ’amateur’

They are from parents who’ve been through an identical thing which resulted in a diagnosis.
I’ve also worked with ‘kids like that’ for 25 years.

Diagnisis help immensely.

If you don’t have an ND kid AT HOME you don’t recognise it,