To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

This sounds exactly like me as a child. It also sounds a bit like my eldest daughter. She has adhd and possibly autism. I suspect I’m neurodiverse also but was never diagnosed.

Discipline is hard! I focus on getting basics right - hunger, hydration, enough sleep and not being overwhelmed by too much stimulation. The rest is much easier if that is taken care of. I’ve done so much to help her understand who she is and what her strengths and weaknesses are. Focus on accepting her for who she is. A lot of characteristics she has will be helpful as an adult, even if they are infuriating in a child!

Wishing you strength to navigate.

She sounds exactly like my DS at that age. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 7. We had to find a new way of parenting as what works for most NT children will of work for most ND children.

Where does she come in the family ,what sex are her siblings?
it’s not often true that children in a family are brought up the same ,an example in my life is DF did not drink when older siblings were small, he did all of my childhood. Other things are that the family were poorer/wealthier,also the number of siblings changes the dynamic.
Also your own childhood influences how you treat your children. Eg a bossy older sister might make you unwittingly stricter with DD than DS.

As a girl, if she’s ND she’s likely to be masking at school, which is why she’s worse at home.

Read about oppositional defiance disorder and pathological demand avoidance, see if any of that resonates.

If it does, she may be finding it difficult to understand her emotions. Try validating her feelings: “I know you’re angry because xyz but…”

You are clearly an experienced mum and know how to parent. You probably dont necessarily want a label for her yet but having different strategies may help.

Following with interest.
The thing is - what can the OP do differently now.
What difference will a diagnosis make in terms of building a better relationship with her and her child.
I'm all for children getting a diagnosis - to help parents understand why their behaviour is the way it is.
But how does the OP move forward.

By creating a low sensory environment
By offering options rather than direct requests
By calming when she gets distressed
By heading off meltdowns before they happen.
By ensuring enough sleep and quiet time

Once you know the strategies it does get easier. Because you know what to look for and to see when they are ramping up.

If l knew then what l know now ld have put a sensory swing in for me Dd to head off meltdowns after school.

It sounds awfully like she is masking at school and then having a meltdown when she is in a safe space - ie at home.

She has a 10 year old brother, then there's her sister who's 7, she is 6 and her younger brother 4 so they are all growing up together.

I've been reading about it now and there was reference to a shaken coke bottle and that's exactly what happens, she's fine and then boom.

She's very likely to be ND. The shining reports at school (where she's holding it together and masking like a boss) and then losing it at home are so typical. Get her assessed. It's a long hard road and you're really going to have to fight, but it'll be worth it. Meanwhile The Explosive Child will give you coping strategies. Love your DD, parent her the way she needs to - you will both get there.

Unkind for suggesting it? A lovely little girl?
These statements ring alarm bells for me. Of course a lovely little girl can also be a nd one. My lovely little boy is. Masking is a massive issue for female nd children in particular.

I did a course about “Mindfulness Parenting” that was aimed at parents of ND children. We learned about “flipping the lid”, and how there is no point in trying to reason with a child who’s lid had flipped, just makes a bad situation worse.

I thought Asd when I read your post, girls often get late diagnosis. She maybe masking at school. Ask school to help you look into support services.

It’s hard to say at this age. My goodness my eldest daughter was such hard work at a young age and I do recall wanting to give up at times. I put a huge effort into ‘getting her’ and now, at 14, it has paid off and we have the strongest bond imaginable. She’s also turned into a pretty angelic teen. Don’t give up X

I could have written this myself about my own 5 nearly 6yo DD. She is on the diagnosis pathway for ASD and waiting on initial assessment for ADHD. Her behaviours are exhausting and relentless and just as you've described your DD even down to saying school is boring. Sadly the glowing school reports are already tailing off with ours... academically she's flying but she's beginning to refuse to complete the work and is only interested in doing 1 particular activity. I would definitely consider liaising with GP and asking for a referral. Ask to go through right to choose as this can help avoid v lengthy NHS wait lists.

My eldest was like this, and still is to some extent even though she is now in her 30s. Sorry op I know that's not helpful. I have 4 other dc who are completely different, tbh I think it's just a personality thing. If punishments don't work, maybe some sort of reward system might?

I have 2 DS who are autistic and can resonate with a lot of your feelings (and the related guilt for feeling that way!)

My eldest DS is more ‘mild’ ASD (for lack of a better word) and masked a lot at school but very challenging behaviour at home. I found ‘descriptive praise’ had a really big impact on his behaviour in a way that more traditional methods did not. So that may be worth a try.

my younger DS is more high needs and severe with his autism and techniques like that didn’t really work. We manage better by working out his triggers and avoiding them, low sensory environments, avoiding days or activities that are too full-on, lots of structure and routine and understanding.

She sounds unhappy. Now's not the time for consequences.

Maybe try and schedule some one on one time with her. Do something you both enjoy and try and find out how she's feeling.

I’m ND - Autistic/ADHD diagnosed as an adult but the signs were there all along. DD is so like me at the same age. I’ve been saying since she was tiny I think she’s ND. School kept saying no…until one teacher in year 4 said ‘I know what you mean’. I cried when I came home with relief that someone understood! Paeds still won’t assess her because she ‘functions too well in school’ 🙄
I second The Explosive Child. DD’s behaviour was very challenging around 6-7. One of the key issues was lack of sleep. The Explosive Child helped to tackle that issue and when she started sleeping better other things (like teeth brushing and hair washing)became more manageable. The book helps you to identify the main problems and how you as a parent can approach things. It’s certainly written with ND kids in mind but it’s written regardless of diagnosis. Definitely worth a read.

All behaviour is communication. It’s just hard as you don’t know what she is trying to tell you. Processing difficulties even things like dyslexia can lead to similar behaviours to what you describe - needing your attention over the other siblings is something I’ve seen with processing difficulties and it wasn’t jealousy it was because child relied so much on parent to make sense of what happening around them. See an educational psychologist.

It sounds like she is ND. Rules and boundaries are really important for ND people, and particularly for ND children (as they are for all children). There's no reason there shouldn't be some (short-term, rational, reasonable) consequences for her behaviour.

Girls with ASD can be very good at 'masking' in school but the effort is exhausting and their behaviour at home suffers - because this is their safe place. I would get her assessed, privately if necessary and you can afford it. Don't let your little one become the family scapegoat. If a child is made to feel they are the 'problem child' in the family, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Can you try and set aside a bit of time each day that is special you and her time? She needs to feel that you love her and want to spend time with her. What is she good at? What does she enjoy doing? Maybe getting out for a half hour walk together in the park or woods would be a calming time for you both?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. It sounds like she’s naturally more strong willed than your other children and you’ve labelled her early on and therefore react to her differently and it’s created a vicious cycle and self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t say that to blame you at all, it’s totally natural that with four children, when you find one “misbehaves” more than you’re used to it’s natural to get frustrated and for your tone and behaviours to change. However, children are extremely perceptive and she’ll no doubt have picked up on the vibe that you find her more difficult, side with her siblings when they fight etc. and she is seeking your love and attention and playing up because of the feelings of rejection. It sounds like you need to spend more time nurturing your relationship with her, spending one on one time with her and making her feel loved and valued. You also need to help nurture her relationships with her siblings to make sure she isn’t being left out and made to feel rejected by her siblings too which might be driving some of her behaviours towards them. Read up on attachment parenting.

Can anyone talk me through the process for diagnosis please? people saying we're going to have to fight, is that just about being believed/showing enough evidence? And would the school not seeing it carry much weight against us?
I know nobody can predict how it will go for my child but some idea of what to expect from here would really help if anyone doesn't mind sharing their experience?