To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

Non-compliance or need for attention doesn’t equal being ND. The notion that NT people are all flat, with neutral interests and personalities, docile and compliant is insane. No wonder so many people try hard to escape being a “normie” - they are apparently empty vessels devoid of anything interesting about themselves. So many parents nowadays are checking out of their responsibilities as parents. Having multiple children without considering the well-being of each one of them, their place in the family, parents’ own capacity to cope in terms of maturity, time, energy, health, finances, planning, etc, has a lot to answer for the spike in ND diagnosis. If 1 in 4 people are receiving a ND diagnosis, plus the countless people self-diagnosing on Reddit, it means being ND is hardly a minority, it’s a trait like many others. Very few children fit the diagnosis strictly, namely the children who need kitchen and bathroom cabinet locks, are at risk of roaming and putting themselves and others in danger, so much of what’s described here it’s parents just not up to the task.

Kids should be encouraged to see themselves as NT

And

ND is a spectrum and seriously most people have strong ND traits.

Don't make sense. Most people are ND, but children should be told theyre NT?

You need to decide which position you're taking. Are we all ND, or aren't we?

I don't see being neurotypical as a good thing, to be honest, if some of the posts on this thread are an example of the way a NT person thinks.

I don’t think you know what being ND means. My son absolutely doesn’t need kitchen or bathroom locks. He’s very well behaved. Not disruptive in the classroom. He’s also autistic. Diagnosed at 2, so quite ‘severely’ autistic. The reason he was diagnosed is because he suffers severe difficulties in the areas of communication (at 5 he only speaks in a small number of repetitive phrases), social interaction (absolutely no interest in interacting with his peers) and sensory regulation. He’s not naughty, he doesn’t need rooms locking… they’re not the criteria for diagnosis 🤷🏻‍♀️. However he can’t function in normal life without significant support.

I also have two beautifully behaved, high achieving, NT children, so I’m fairly sure my parenting isn’t to blame for the difficulties my autistic child faces.

And just to add… I strongly believe the reason my autistic son isn’t ’badly behaved’ is because his diagnosis brought him support and understanding he wouldn’t otherwise have got, meaning we know how to deal with him and to give him the appropriate tools for self regulation.

Your personal situation is not only nothing like OP’s, it’s not even what I referred to, and yet you decided to project your own feelings onto my comment. I guess you needed to, well done.

I didn’t project anything. You said only children who need bathroom and kitchen doors locking and are danger to themselves or others meet the criteria for diagnosis. That is categorically false, regardless of my own situation. Not sure why you’re getting shitty about it.

You use a lot of words for someone who doesn't know what they're actually talking about.

You're very ableist, you think you're owed niceties, and you're really wrong.

No kid who is ND should be expected to act NT or think themselves NT. That's called masking. It's incredibly harmful.

But keep doubling down, you're only showing yourself up.

I think the op's getting a hard time here. She posted as she's at the end of her tether, emotionally exhausted. I'm sure she's trying to do her best and not making her child feel unwanted! But I agree professional help is needed at this age- someone her dd really engages with.. and the earlier the better.

Always embarrassing to come across the type of low class people who think aggressive language will get them anywhere other than being secretly avoided by the rest 😅 your projection knows no limits. I bet you can’t quote me to prove any of the ludicrous accusations you have made. But you can always try 🤣

I can only see one person being aggressive, and it’s not @Jimmyneutronsforehead

You've taught her that in the battle of the wills she wins. If go back to basics and set out some rules that she sticks to or face up to the consequences. You win. Every time.

What a terribly sad view of a parent/child relationship.

“Most people have strong ND traits” isn’t the same as saying “most people are ND”, let’s hope you can understand that. I also didn’t state that being neurotypical was inherently a good thing. Perhaps you would like to re-read what I wrote minus your desire to make me your enemy. I’m sure we would find we agree on most things.

As for my statement that “Kids should be encouraged to see themselves as NT”, it was somewhat incomplete. So let me expand on it. I believe that we are, as a society, pathologising typical, or “normal”, childhood. Other than for clearly extreme cases when kids’ lives are being truly negatively impacted by one or some of their traits, it is my opinion that labelling anything which is perceived as different will cause more harm than good. Me stating that I think we should exercise a lot of caution before labelling kids isn’t controversial, nor it is me stating not all parents are in a position to offer high quality parenting - this isn’t a judgment, otherwise the internet wouldn’t be littered with millions of accounts of millenial and genZ parents voicing just how hard their upbringing was. And if you believe that only boomers made parenting mistakes, I think you’ll be in for a shock.

If you don’t think that there’s been misdiagnosis in this field, or if you have unwavering belief in the pharmaceutical-medical industrial complex, you are welcome to your beliefs. Sadly I’m too aware of the failings of the sector to ignore their greed.

Citation needed 🤣

I didn’t say that, please feel free to quote me whenever in doubt.

If you personally feel that in your particular situation the diagnosis fit, I’m very glad for you and your family. However please don’t imagine for a second that you are the same parent to each of your children, I shouldn’t have to point this out to you and if I do, I’m afraid you might be lacking awareness.

@ArtemisApollo

I'm sure you don't mean to be but your tone is so incredibly patronising. To the point that it is likely making it difficult for people to want to engage with points you are making.

As it’s virtually impossible to ascertain tone from a text, I would hope that the strength of my points would suffice for folks to agree or disagree with me. I’ve met enough parents and families to know they aren’t all on the same level of thoughtfulness, dedication to their children, maturity, and sadly competence as parents - surely we can all agree on that. I also understand very well how poverty, education level, community and family support play a big role in whether families are able to thrive, and if it were due to me, I would ensure mothers had a lot more financial, practical, and emotional support, and kids had more access to safe low-cost and high-quality clubs so parents could have some time for them selves and the infinite drudgery of caring for a family. The issue here is that OP and several on this thread are so quick to either think a child who is obviously struggling deserves punishment or must be ND, when all I get from OP is a dysfunctional family structure and zero self-awareness on the parents’ part. That child is so aware of not being as loved or cherished as the “easy” ones, and the “easy” ones undoubtedly are under enormous pressure to manage the parents who can’t cope. Why is it taboo to point it out? Why is it taboo to mention that perhaps some families are too quick to have lots of babies without carefully considering all angles? Most of all, it’s horrifying for a parent to write they actually wish that child wasn’t in the family? Instead of a full thread of folks jumping to conclusions, the only advice that OP needs is to seek professional help to understand they are not the victims, they are in charge and need to find a way to reframe the situation in a way the little 6yo isn’t a villain.

I don’t ’feel’ it fits, I know it does, because he was assessed by highly qualified professionals. But thank you for all your help 👍.

"People cheerleading for children to be labelled and put on a psych/medical pathway need to give their heads a wobble".

No cheerleading here or anywhere I can see. There are diagnostic criteria that need to be met. A few parents like me, who have a ND child, suggested that the OP consider that when seeking help.

That's because kids who are ND often need specialist support. I don't know what's complicated or cheerleading about that.

But it does show that an awful lot of people seem to think that parents are seeking to hide their poor parenting with a diagnosis. I haven't seen it in real life myself.

This is screaming autism at me, my daughter is exactly the same. I kept thinking it was terrible twos, because she’s a girl, second child syndrome, but she’s 8 now and I’m 95% sure she’s autistic. It’s utterly draining most days and my son suffers a lot. Since I accepted it without a definite diagnosis she is responding more and telling more things,m that she struggles with. Challenging behaviour is COMMUNICATION once you start to see it that what it becomes clear. It’s like a jigsaw 🧩 join some groups on Facebook specifically for girls with adhd/autism, you will hear familiar stories from other parents, trust me xxx I’ve started to find ways to help my child cope with the world better, an example was she would meltdown in regular daily car journeys if I took a different route. I got her some Bluetooth headphones to play music through her mobile phone (no sim) she’s got fidget poppers in the car. She can take a soft toy. She has strong attachments to soft toys, she thinks they’re alive. Look into ways she can communicate with you if she’s struggling to. I’ve ordered an emotion chart so she can tell me if she’s hungry, sad etc before it becomes too much and she melts down. She will get really hungry quickly and melt down if food is not instant. Has issues with a lot of food and textures, clothes etc.
Try following a stricter routine every day and see if she responds to it.
Good luck OP 🥰

Very few children fit the diagnosis strictly, namely the children who need kitchen and bathroom cabinet locks, are at risk of roaming and putting themselves and others in danger

This is just completely factually incorrect.
You come across completely uneducated and/or ignorant 😳

As someone who is living with the adult version of this. You need to take steps now. My SIL does have mental health issues but also a bad personality. She’s never worked and had her life paid for unfortunately when my FIL passed away all that changed. The money is simply not there for that. Now she lives with my MIL who needs a lot of care, which she impedes. As it’s not my family I have no way of intervening. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and have been dealing with this for all that time. She cancelled my diabetic MIL lunches because she doesn’t like the smell, won’t let carers into the house. The family have just accepted this is the way she is, she lived away so it wasn’t an issue very often. Now her father isn’t here to stop her or bankroll her and it’s getting worse. You need to stop this now. It needs a professional and probably family sessions to as I imagine all the family need a way to cope. Learn and get help while it might make a difference.

@buttnut I would say wilfully ignorant.

Not an ounce of kindness or understanding being shown to parents of kids with SEN. It's depressing hearing from all these armchair experts.

We don't actually know if the op, has taken her daughter to the doctor now because she hasn't come back onto this thread, earlier posts suggested that was her intention.
I'm not surprised she hasn't come back tbh after not receiving the support needed.
Op if you are still reading I suggest if you make another thread like this you use a less antagonistic title and post it in the SEN board where it would have reached people in the same situation who could have really supported you.
Posting in AIBU was the mistake here along with your thread title.